NC rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
NC rules
5
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 11:11pm
we broke-up 2 days ago after 7 months together. It was sudden. We both were not happy in the relationship.
I still have few things of his stuff at my place. I m doing the NC... so I asked a friend if she can keep his stuff until he picks them up. She agreed. Now should I tell him to go to her to get his stuff or should I email him about or even better should I ask her to do it? I plan to put a card in the bag saying thank you for the great vacation... and that I cherish all my memories with him.
He initiated the break-up but I was unsatisfied with the relationship and did not mind it. I m broken-hearted granted but so is he I think. so would that be like breaking the NC if I send him a card? what about if I call him to tell him to get his stuff? I have to give him his things asap since it is like moving on...
How do you recommend I handle this without opening the door for back and forth?
PS: how long is the NC? I heard it is a month for each year together... s that right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: juliara2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:26pm

I m not sure how the card will be interpreted so any advice is welcome

thnx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: juliara2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:03pm

Welcome to the board juliara2003 -


From a lot of different posts on these boards, I will tell you that no matter what you do, if he wants to be upset or angry about it, he will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
In reply to: juliara2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:30pm
I've had a similar dilemma. I have been on almost 3 weeks of NC, and I still have a box of my ex's crap. I just plain wouldn't feel right keeping it or giving it away or destroying it, but I need to watch out for my delicate feelings right now, so I asked my roommate/best friend to call him and handle giving him his stuff. (She's obviously a stellar friend by the way!) At first I had an old birthday card I had given him in there, but I threw it out because I realized it was just screaming "remember me!" so now all it is is his stuff and his stuff alone. Since my last contact with my ex consisted of him asking me to call him and then not answering or responding at all to my calls, I don't really care if he gets mad or whatever. If he wants to talk to me, he will make it known. Sorry for rambling, but my main point is that you should probably do what's safest for your OWN feelings right now. If there's a reaction he could have to your contacting him that you think would hurt you, don't do it. Hopefully my own method works out okay. I just needed to get rid of his things because I know it's almost like one more excuse to try to see him or talk to him, and I need to not have any more excuses! Best of luck to you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: juliara2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:44am

I actually have 2 friends who volunteered to give him his stuff so I wont even have to contact him about it. I changed my mind about sending a thank you card as it will open communication between us and I dont want him in my life right now.
I wanted to break up but he initiated it over the phone which I think was inconsiderate and selfish! I told him I m not feeling well and I do want to discuss our break-up to get sort of closure and peace of mind but he said he is busy with a volleyball match. so I decided I m not giving him any chance to see me or talk to me... I know he will miss me but I dont want to let him see me or hear my voice for next few months. I think I might see him again since we have common friends later but I made it clear to my friends that I wont go to any place he is invited. So they know not to invite me when he is there.

We could have been good friends if he was not so selfish! I just wish I was not so nice to him when we were together kuz he does not deserve anything...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: juliara2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 11:24am

Hi There,

I'm sorry your dealing with this but my thoughts are...you admitted you weren't happy with your relationship either - SO, I guess that somewhat helps?? Even though a split from someone you spent time with is hard...maybe you feel its for the best!
The NO CONTACT rules mean absolutely NO Contact - not e-mail, phone, 2 way, text message, IM, cards, NADDA. As far as how much time...I have heard mixed reviews but I think the BEST one I heard was "You take the NC time for YOURSELF - for YOU to heal & feel better!". A Month is what I have read in books etc because it gives enough time for the bad things to disappear more & the good memories stay in the front of your mind. What I did was this. I packed up his things at my house, and one day OUT OF THE BLUE I called him - I think it was after 2 weeks of NC and I said "I would like to pick up my things & drop yours off either today or tomorrow". He said "well at that time I will be ont he phone for a business call & won't have time to talk to you??" My response "That's OK, I don't need to TALK to you, just coming to get my stuff." I made it clear I was there for THAT reason - nothing else. I think at THAT POINT - you both know...if we exchange belongings, there is NO more reason to see eachother or contact eachother unless its on purpose - not with some an alterior motive. My EX said to me once...I guess I wasn't so upset because I knew we'd see eachother again because I had your belongings....SO I think once those belongings are gone - it SHUTS the door as to any reason to go back to see him! ONCE that exchange happens - it's DONE. Unless you meet on purpose!
I think it's Neutral as to whether you put any note in the belongings or not? If you want to say "I'm sorry it didn't work out, here are your things, take care" - it can't hurt. But don't leave anything on the note that keeps an open door of communication? I don't think its necessary to say anything at all too. You could do the following things: Ship them UPS? Send them through a friend? Have your friend make contact & do the exchange? Or you could either do it right away or wait until the anger settles? It's really up to how you feel. Just remember that exchanging belongings is for THAT ONLY - not to fight again or rehash problems. In my situation - I didn't want to break up with him...so even now...if I waited until now...I'd still not want it to be over as we didn't have a BAD relationship it just fell apart & the end part got messy. Therefore~whether it was a week, 2 weeks, or even if we exchanged TODAY it wouldn't be easier -just not as freshly emotional. So, when I went to get my things...I walked in his door (never even looked him in the eye) left his things on the table, he brought my things over, and after saying "Thank you" , he asked if he could help me to my car, I said "I'll do ok on my own" and I said "Goodbye" and left. FYI- that business call he said he would be having....he "Postponed" it while I was there just in case we were going to talk??! I was somewhat hurt & angry too that day but I still LOVED him & stayed STRONG!
Long Story short- if you want it OVER, no matter how you go about this, it will still be over. If you had a good relationship that you want back...a little time is not going to change that, you'd have to wait a longer period of time to accept it.
I wish you the best in whatever you chose to do. But if you were unhappy in your relationship & walked away knowing that...let time heal and do what you think is right...For YOU! Happy Easter & HUGS! Sweetie