Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Need advice
13
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:44pm

Ok. So he broke up with me on the 16th. The 17th - St. Patty's day I texted him that I wanted to talk because we had both been drinking when the break up occurred. He said he would call me later because he was working. Never called. I went out for St. Patty's day and saw him out. We both avoided each other. I figured if he didn't call me, then we had nothing to talk about in person. I didn't call him after that because I felt that if he can't call me, then no need for me to call. He calls me on Monday. He misses me and has been trying to figure out what to do with us. I said, "You already figured that out". He says yes but it's still hard because he misses me. The reason we broke up is because he can't get ideas out of his head of me being around other guys and can't really trust me and it hurts him to think of it so it was better to stop hurting himself with the anguish of those thoughts.

I tried apologizing since the incident that caused this, reassuring him of my love, pleading, etc. Nothing. So Tuesday I decided to not hurt myself any longer waiting for him to come around. If he doesn't "feel it" for me any more then no sense in hurting myself. I told him I was going to send my friend to pick up my stuff. He said no need for her to do it, it had nothing to do with her, he would bring it by tomorrow (Wednesday). Wednesday I get a text from him in the morning like nothin. Good morning babe! Ugh - whatever. I texted back with a good morning as well. I didn't hear from him all day. So Wed night I decided to pick up my stuff w/ my friend. I went by but he wasn't there. I called several times and he didn't answer. He finally called me back & said that his phone screen was broken & that the reason he didn't call earlier is because he had to wait for me to leave a msg to pull my phone #. Sounded lame. Like you don't have my # memorized after 6 mos? Whatever. I said I wanted to come by to pick up stuff he asked what the emergency was. I said none, it's over. Sooner the better. When he heard my friend was with me he changed his tune. We went by. Picked it up. I gave him a hug and as I was leaving he showed me his phone to prove he wasn't lying. Ok, thanks I said and left.

he left me a vm afterwards saying thanks for leaving him a shirt he's never seen before in his life, must have been one of my other guys...lie. Also thanking me for making it an awkward situation coming over uninvited, etc. Then said, my phone isn't working so I'll have to talk 2 you tomorrow unless you leave me a voicemail tonight and I'll check...OK, all the BS but you want me to call you and talk? Another irritation. I never called and he finally texted me again today after 5 days NC that he's thinking of me and just wanted to let me know and that I don't have to text back if I dont want to.

I do care for him. I wish things could have been different from both of our perspectives/ends. I would like to make things work if possible but at this point, I don't know what he's calling for and I don't want to call him with hopes of nothing. Really, did he get over the thought of me being with other guys? Or is he just trying to keep me lingering. What do I do?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:13pm

Hi youngrei. Thank you. I understand, hear, and see exactly what you're saying and I completely agree. You are right. I do secretly hope we can get back together but I also know that in the end it's not the best decision. I can't help wanting to at least have him back at some capacity. Perhaps not the capacity we were at before. Early on in the evening, the night that I behaved badly after some alcohol, he told me that he was building his business with his best friend and that he was going to start buying houses and securing his future, and he wanted me there with him. He was securing our future he said. I thought that was beautiful and then, I was so ecstatic that I ended up drinking my self silly when we went out. He told all of his freinds that he loved me that night, I nodded and went off drinking and acted poorly. I feel like I sabbotaged it.

Do I think he's the perfect man? No. Do I know I can find better? Yes. But do I deep down wish we could go back to when he felt that way for me? Yes. I know he has insecurities and other problems that I don't think are healthy for me to put up with or that I should necessarily have to deal with; but, I believe he has a good heart and can be a wonderful man with some time and direction. Definitely counseling. He's not that man right now. I guess inside it scares me to think about letting him just go so easily and letting someone else have him. Is that weird? Wrong? Selfish? I don't know. Do I want him for the right reasons? I don't know. Do I even know what the right reasons are? No. I just know that it felt good to have him say those beautiful things and think about "our" future and then I ruined it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:25pm

Wow, this sounds very much like my situation.

She broke up with me, but then she keeps contacting me about problems she is having.
She couldn't connect to her wireless network at home, not once, but twice, and called me for help both times.
Then she emailed me to ask if I can pay the last two months of our daughters dance lessons that they take together. ( my daughter and I have moved out but the girls still attend the same dance lessons )
Then last night, her daughter calls my daughter to ask if we can watch the dog at our house while mom goes to a class for work out of state.
Wouldn't you know, I cannot say no and so now we are watching the dog for two days.
I emailed her this morning to tell her, that us watching the dog was a mistake and for her not to ever email me, call me, or contact me ever again, no matter what kind of help she needs.
I need to do what you are doing and don't talk or email or whatever with her ever again. If she wants me back in her life, then she and I can talk about it, but I am not going to be doing stuff for her anymore.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:35pm

It's sooo hard to get over someone and even harder when they say the things you want to hear. You have to decide what is best for you. We all secretly hope to get back with our ex while knowing that it may be the wrong decision. I read an article online about study done. It's very interesting and gave me a different perspective on why we hurt so much during a breakup. Scientists say we release chemicals in our body that makes us feel good, fell happy called endorphins. When we're with someone we release more of that chemical, it also happens after sex.

They notice 2 different type of animals with similiar genetics but have different sexual habits. The animal that have only one partner for the rest of their life after they mate and another type that have mutiple partners and doesn't stay with them after they mate. They notice a much higher release of endorphins in the animal that stay with their partner after they mate. So the scientists did an experiment.

They put endorphins in the animal who has mutiple partners and they notice the animal staying with the partner they mated with. When they replaced their partner with another female, the animal showed no interest and was even hostile to the new female, like it was going to kill it. They took away endorphins in the animal that was "faithful" to their partner had notice that they started mating with other animals and didn't have any attachments.

They say when we're not around the person who makes us release endorphins, which is what creates that happy feeling, we go into withdrawl. Like a drug addict. We want more of that "feeling" so we want to seek them out to recreate that feeling. When we "miss' someone who are actually yearning for that "feeling". Therefore they concluded love is like a drug and it's easy to get addicted to it. It sounds absurd but I find it interesting. You can google "pairie dog experiment endorphins" to find the article.

Pages