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| Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:16pm |
I am getting a divorce from a 15 year relationship. I started thinking about it about 1 year ago. During my separtation, i met someone and we started a relationship. We were seeing each other for about 3 months but no one really new because i was seperated and didn't know how this new relationship could affect the divorce process. I was also going through a lot of emotions ending my marriage. The girl i was seeing was patient with me, and said she would go through this with me, but i didnt want the negative aspects of my break up to be associated with her. So we tried to end seeing each other until i actually started the legal process. I broke her heart when i told her i needed to resolve my issues with my marriage, because it was stressing us both out. She was like a secret and i was hurting her.
Soon afterwards she met someone new and started dating. I took this hard and but we would still see each other on and off. It made me question what we had together, but what could i really do i was still married. The divorce process has taken a long time because my spouse did not want it and is taking her time. Eventually, the girl i was dating started seeing someone new. I finally stopped seeing her so she could go on with her life. I thought she was no longer interested in a relationship with me, although she continued to say once you are divorced we will be together. I hadnt spoken or responded to her for 6 weeks.
Then she emailed me to ask me how i was and that she was still here for me. I know she is still seeing someone. I responded friendly to her. She emails me now and then to chat and ask for my advice about things. Its hard for me though because i was trying to get over her. I dont know what she wants from me because she has someone new and is going on with her life.
I want to know if i should tell her i cant talk to her. How do i get over her? I care deeply about her. I am scared though because our lifestyles are a little different. She likes to party and i am more of a family at home and spending time with close friends type of person. I dont even think she likes me anymore or thinks that we have a future anymore. Thanks for your advice.

You have to do what you deem right for you to heal. If that means, not talking to her, then that's what needs to be done. Usually people need 'no contact' for some length of time to heal.
Have you gone though the grief of your marriage? You may have compounded the grief by getting involved too quickly with someone else, which then makes the recovery more difficult.
Are you in counseling? It can help.
My best to you.
Carrie
I was going to counseling but stopped. I'm thinking of going back. The no contact was working ok although i still thought about her everyday. I was coming to terms thought that she may not be in my life anymore. I got together with my spouse when i was 16 years old, this is the only other relationship i have had. It is new to me on how to deal with a break up. I feel like i am being mean when i just ignore her emails. The times i did respond it was just short and answering her question and she noticed the difference in my tone and asked if i was upset with her. I wanted to say that she is going on with her life and her focus should be on her new love interest...but i didn't i just said no i wasnt upset with her.
I guess i am wondering what does she want from me. She keeps saying she is here for me if i need anything. I dont know if she is just being nice. She knows that i wanted to be with her, but she kept pushing me away and so i thought she doesnt want to be with me.
I dont know if i've grieved over my marriage. I was depressed for months about the loss of my life. We have a 3 year old and i was taking the transition very hard to only seeing her every other day. It has been heart breaking. The girl i was seeing told me that she had to take care of herself because she didnt know if i would definately go through with the divorce. A part of me thought i was doing this so that i could have a chance with a life with her. But now i dont even know if that will happen. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I feel like i'm going through two break-ups at once and sometimes dont know who i'm actually feeling sad about.
i learned my lesson that you cant start a new relationship until the last one is over.
Thank you for responding.
::I guess i am wondering what does she want from me. She keeps saying she is here for me if i need anything. I dont know if she is just being nice. She knows that i wanted to be with her, but she kept pushing me away and so i thought she doesnt want to be with me.
Since she is with someone else, my feeling is that it's safe to assume she doesn't want to be with you. Since she keeps in contact, just checking in, my guess is that she wants to make sure you are 1) ok and 2) that you are still friendly towards her.
But clearly hearing from her is NOT in your best interest. You will have to say, "thank you for your concern, please do not contact me anymore as I need a period of 'no contact' to heal."
Carrie
I'm sorry you're going through the pain of a divorce and then on top of everything, this too.