need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
need advice
5
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 12:12am

I have been dating a guy for the past two years off and on. At the end of last year we didn't talk for a couple of months, but then we gradually started talking again. At that time, I had convinced myself that things would never work out and that he would never want me back again. Then in January, he told me that he wanted to get back together and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Initially, I told him I didn't want to get back together because I was afraid of getting hurt even though I still had feelings for him. Part of me wanted everything he said to be true because I still loved him, but I was also so afraid of getting hurt or hurting him. I told him i didn't want to get back together, but we still continued to see eachother (talking, spending time with each other, sleeping together). Things were going well then I messed things up by pushing him away because I was scared. I was getting upset over stupid things and told him that we needed to move on because I felt I was vulnerable to getting hurt as I my feelings grew stronger. When I realized I had screwed up, it was too late. He didn't want to give us another try and he also told me he had feelings for someone else. The part that kills me is that this all happened so fast. Within two weeks he goes from telling me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him to not even wanting to see me.

I love him so much and it hurts that I can't be with him. We talk occasionally, but I haven't seen him in 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been with anyone else. And when we do talk, he asks if I've been with anyone else. I know he still cares about me. I know that I need to move on but I don't know how. Rationally thinking, I know there are a million reasons why I should move on. The only thing that stopping me is the fact that I still love him. I feel that my feelings for him outweigh everything else because you have to think with your heart in relationships. It's not always about what's rational.

What should I do? All I do is think about him, but I know there is a low probably that we'll ever be together again. Sometimes I wish he was out of my life completely, but I care about him so much that I would still like to be his friend. How can I be his friend when I'm still in love with him? How do I stop loving him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: anitac2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 6:54am

anitac2006...

Pianoguy has answered posts similar to yours in the past...so apologies to other ivillagers who are reading MY RERUN!

YOU are the only person who can make the call if you want a relationship with this man or not. If you choose "NO"---end all communication. If you choose "YES"---accept the unstableness of his attitude for what it is!

If you haven't seen him in 6 weeks....doesn't that tell you ANYTHING about how he REALLY FEELS ABOUT YOU?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
In reply to: anitac2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:18am

Have you told him everything you told us? I'm not sure if it will make a difference but I feel like if you put it all out there and then he still chooses not to be with you, at least you'll know you tried. Otherwise you're always going to wonder. But he TOLD you he had feelings for someone else. You need to get that in the open too. We ignore these things and avoid discussing them because we're afraid to know the answer, but to truly get over him (or move forward with your relationship) you need to get the whole truth out in the open.

I've said this before so forgive the repetitiveness, but we need to get over the whole 'but I still want to be friends' thing. All we're doing is saying that we're scared to let go. But letting go is the only way you can move on with your life. If you are truly going to get over him, you are going to have to relinquish your hold on him. If you really want to be friends you need to cut off all contact with him now, get over him, and THEN resume the friendship (if you still want to). I have plenty of friends in my life and not a single one do I want to sleep with. Chances are, once you've moved on with your life, you'll realize you have plenty of friends and you don't need this guy after all.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: anitac2006
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 1:17am
I know I need to stop all contacts with him, but it's so hard. I always want to know how he's doing or if he's seeing anyone new. And whenever he talks to me, I want him to know what I've been doing. How do I find the strength for no contact? I've done it before but he slowly crept back into my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
In reply to: anitac2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 10:31am

It doesn't make you feel any better to know what he's doing and to tell him what you've been doing, does it? I mean, after the conversation, when you've hung up. Don't you feel even worse? The way I found strength for NC was something I read in one of those self-help books. It said that you know eventually it's going to end for good. Probably the calls will taper off until they're nothing and/or he'll meet someone new and stop talking to you altogether. So isn't it best to end it now, on your terms, where you can look back and be proud of yourself for having the strength?

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
In reply to: anitac2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:52am
I have been there so many times. It's only natural to be curious about what he's doing or whom he's doing it with. Everytime you feel the need to call him, think about how you feel in that very moment. You are giving him the satisfaction of knowing that you aren't complete without him. So, he goes throughout his day knowing that you still miss him and care about him. He's laughing while you're crying. Continuing to make contact with him only derails your healing process, while it allows him to move on more quickly. It sucks, I know...trust me. But you will be so proud of yourself! shannon