need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
need advice!
3
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:45pm
My boyfriend of just over a year and I broke up the other night. We hadn't been fighting or arguing, but I knew of his uncertainty regarding our future together. We've been long-distance for 11 months (he had to move b/c of his job) and I think the distance finally took its toll. The thing is, we were always happy when we were together but in the past few months he has said that this is emotionally draining him and he doesn't think it's fair to string me along when I know what I want and he doesn't. This is the most serious and longest lasting relationship for both of us. I'm 29 and he's 32. I miss him terribly as we emailed every day and talked every day for the entire time we've been together. I haven't called him or emailed him since the breakup. I just don't know what went wrong. Has anyone been in a similar situation or able to offer any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: mandyh02
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:50pm
I think you do know what went wrong - you were long distance for almost a year, and it was too difficult for him to carry on. I don't think I could have done long distance for so long, particularly not if there was no end in sight (i.e., it's not college, it's an indefinite, potentially life-long separation). What can you do? Well, is there any way you could move? If so, discuss with him whether that would make a difference in the decision to breakup. If not, or if you can't move, you may just have to accept that life has taken you on different paths, and there's not much to be done about it. At least he hasn't done something to hurt or betray you, I think he's been mature and honest. I'm sure this is sad, keep posting for support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: mandyh02
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:02pm
Thank you for your input... Actually we have discussed my moving to where he is (6 hours away). I've lived here my entire life and my family and friends are here. He has said that he would feel terrible if I moved up there and things went wrong or I was unhappy. I've gotten mixed signals from him b/c not a month ago he told me he wanted to continue to make it work. I know he hasn't met anyone b/c he's very honest. I've asked if he wants to see other people and he says that's not his reasoning for us parting, but he thinks maybe it would help him figure things out. I can't call him or email b/c my pride won't let me. Sorry to ramble-- as I said, this just happened 2 days ago so the process of dealing with it has just begun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: mandyh02
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:53pm
Mandy,

I too was involved in a long distance relationship for just over a year..she was East coast, I was West. After spending a small fortune (It was worth every penny) & seeing each other every two weeks or so, we finally broke up. As hard as I may have tried it just didn't work. It has taken me a long time to understand some of our issues, but I realize now that the distance was just to much to overcome. Someone pointed out to me recently that no matter how much you talk on the phone, e-mail, write, it just isn't the same as being there and creating that special bond that two people need. I realize that it sounds trite, but all of the connect/disconnect that we went through as time went by just took a really huge toll on both of us. I wish I had taken the risk and just said let's get married and we'll make it work because I love you with all my heart. Instead I kept waiting for everything to be just right. Guess what? No relationship is perfect and sometimes you just have to take a chance. It's too late for me, but look in your heart and decide what you truly want to do. Don't worry about ego or pride at this point, when you truly love someone I think giving it your all is the most important thing there is. I may have taken a few blows to my own ego when I tried to convince her to try and make us work, but at least I can go on knowing that I did everything in my power to try and prove to her how I truly felt.

Good luck, I know how tough this is for you....

Uly