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| Sun, 02-24-2008 - 2:18pm |
So I've been 'lurking' on this board for several months and it has been really helpful. I really need some advice on the following situation; I'm especially interested in what Sandra and Carrie have to say.
My ex and I broke up in October, for the second time, during our three-year relationship. We had been having a lot of problems, mostly due to my fear of him leaving and his lack of consideration. Until 24 days ago, we still kept in contact, mostly him calling me every week to see how I was doing, saying how much he missed me, etc. Starting in December, we started meeting for lunch.
At the end of December, he went to Ireland and I went to Arizona. While in Arizona, I realized all the mistakes I had made in our relationship and really felt that I could be different in our relationship. Up to this point, I had really focused on my part in our relationship and how I contributed to our problems. Now that I understood my part, I wanted him back. To my credit, on his way to airport to leave for Ireland, he called; he emailed from Ireland; he sent me a postcard; he brought me back some chocolates--very positive signals in my book. So, we met for dinner on Jan 2 to talk about our respective trips, and because of all those things he did, I decided to tell him that I wanted him back.
So, of course, we sleep together that night. We talk the next day and he says that he wants me back too but he thinks it's too soon. That he hasn't changed like I have and he is afraid if we get back together it will be the same relationship that it was before. He says he has really enjoyed the time with me that we had been spending together and wants that to continue. I agree that it probably is too soon for us to get back together and I too have enjoyed spending time with him so we agree that we are going to continue doing that--seeing each other once a week or so and talking on the phone. He thinks that we should be broke up for at least 6 months before we consider getting back together. I agree and say that I can't sleep with him again because for me, that means we are in a relationship but I'm okay with hanging out and talking on the phone. I think he hears me.
Two weeks go by. We are at a work function at a local bar (we work at the same place but not in the same building) and unfortunately, I am so nervous about seeing him (although I have seen him a few times already since we slept together) and I get drunk. Actually, it was weird because one minute I was fine -- we are leaving the bar and he is giving me a ride home as my ride left -- and the next I am sloppy drunk. Well, we end up sleeping together again. The next morning he drops the bomb shell on me saying that he has "things he needs to do" before we can get back together. I know, in the pit of my stomach, that they involve other women. So, I ask him if that is the case. He says yes, that he needs to date at least two other women before we can get back together. He also says that in his mind he is thinking: "after these two relationships, I can go back to Heather". I say that if you are thinking that you will eventually come back to me, then why have the two relationships in the first place? As I am leaving, he hugs me and tells me that he loves me and will always love me. That he will always be there for me if I need him.
Obviously, that morning I am feeling very bad. I call him later that day and say I can't be around him while he is actively trying to date other women and that I realize he is saying this because there is someone that he wants to date. I ask who she is and finally he tells me it's someone he met in Colorado. The next day I call him and say that I am okay with it, I need to date other men too. That next weekend we spend the afternoon together. No sex, just ends with a hug.
The next week (two weeks now since the omission of needing to see other people, we have seen each other several times and he has called me just about every three days) I have car trouble and I call him for help. While he is helping me at 8:15 AM, his phone rings. I know it's another woman. At that moment of realization, I think I'm going to puke. I tell him I am fine (about my car), that he can go. He says no, let's have breakfast. I ask him who it was. After looking around and acting like he doesn't want to answer, he says it was a potential date. We end up having coffee at my house where I tell him that I can't be around him right now. It is just too hard for me. I tell him not to call me until he is serious about getting back together or I will call him when I'm able to handle these other women. I also add that I might not be available at that time, that I'm not going to wait around for him to make up his mind. That was Jan 31. I haven't talked to him since.
But, it is killing me! I want to call him everyday. I feel like I spend every hour of every day fighting with myself to not call. Did I do the right thing? I'm wondering if I should have continued to spend time with him, doing our friend thing, that I should have kept my jealousy intact. I put myself on a personals website for a month (right after his omission about seeing other people) and it totally freaked me out. I'm soooo not ready to date. I shouldn't have threatened him like that, with saying "I'm not going to wait around".
Over the last 24 days, I've started seeing a new therapist, reading this book about "Obsessive Love" hoping to find a way to let go, reading and re-reading all the posts here (including all the ones in the resources section, very helpful!), making new friends and hanging out with ones I'd neglected, and writing a lot. But nothing seems to help. I miss him so much. I know I shouldn't contact him right now because I honestly am not okay with losing him. But maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh with him about not contacting me? I feel like I put too much pressure on him and that I was too angry. I keep replaying our conversation over and over and over ... I've lost 10% of my body weight (and I'm a naturally thin person who didn't really have it to lose), I can't eat ... I feel like a wreck! Urgh ... sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated.

Welcome to the board mathchickinil,
I think you made the right decision, regardless of how you *think* you sounded or how he took it.
Thanks, Carrie. I know you're right, it's just so freaking hard! I also know that I deserve better and I keep thinking that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me.
One thing I left out: he had the nerve to tell me that we would probably laugh about this when we're 60! As in when we are together and old ... how he can think I will ever laugh about this is beyond me.
Everything seemed to be going fine until he started putting conditions on things. I'm talking about: "We need to be broken up for six months" (why? is that some kind of magic number?) and "I need to date two women before we get back together" (because now that my pee-pee is free, I wanna test drive it.) Um, no. It's really very simple. You're not comfortable with him seeing other women but it is very much his right to do so now that you two are broken up. Doesn't mean you have to either stick around for it or like it.
I'll tell you something: My SO is my last ex. He's a wonderful man, and I know we're not exclusive or anything, but I'll be DAMNED if I hang around if he's going to start to date other women, that's just me. Some people can handle that, me, I'd be puking right alongside you. So yes, you did the right thing *for you* and no, you shouldn't call him or second-guess your actions, they were sincere.
Good luck to you and welcome out from lurking ;-)
sorry had to laugh at the fact he has to date 2 other women before you get back together.
Thanks! I think I can do it too. :-)
Thanks, Sandra, for saying you think I did the right thing. I know I shouldn't second guess myself and it really helps to hear others say it too.
I woke up this morning with a new realization: I'm not sure I *do* want him back, if and when he gets there, because I don't like the way he is treating me and these other potential women. I would never do that to him or to someone else. I'm talking about leading me on, expecting me to sit around and take this kind of behavior, and deceiving these potential other women. How fair is it to them to start something only to think in the back of your mind you're going to get back with your ex? Not very nice behavior indeed ... not sure I want someone who can treat people that way, know what I mean? ;-)
Heather
No, I hear you. You want someone you can respect, and it's hard to respect someone who treats others, even if it's not you, like crap.
Stand your ground, chica!
hi there,
i find the whole "have his cake and eat it too" mentality very troubling and immature.
you've got a good head on your shoulders. stand strong and understand your worth! your not "leftovers"
Thanks! I think you're right -- it's troubling and immature, especially for someone who is 40.
I'm so glad I posted here -- every time I feel like wavering and contacting him, I'm just going to read these posts and stay strong. Here's to day 26 of NC ....
Thanks everyone!