need advice about an ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
need advice about an ex
2
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:26pm
I have been reading others worries and concerns. I need some help. my boyfriend and i have been together and living together for 3 years. 3 weeks ago we broke up because to him we have different views, and to him it wasn't working out on the same level it was. he stopped having sex with me months ago. i gave excuses that maybe he was just exhausted because he's taking 18 units and working full time and has no time for me. but i would be the patient little girlfriend to take care of him when he got home. i gave my life to him and now that we've broken up i am the saddest person. i have my better days and like today i had a bad day because i miss him so much. i live with him still. we had a domestic partnership and have accumilated debt, we have a lease in our name. so i feel the right thing to do is stay and help each other out. and we are. he isn't seeing anyone and doesn't want a girlfriend, that's why we broke up. but why would someone of 3 years, where you've built a life together, supported each other, took care of each other just say it's not working out. our relationship works so well. we get each other. or i thought i got him. but he changed and that scared me. i tried to change to be what he wanted and that did not work. i don't know what to do. i see him and i want to be all over him. i miss him. we act like best friends. we go to school together, watch tv, and he's more nice to me now than he has been in months. does he need time to have space? does he need to realize what he wants? does he want to be with other people and then come back to me? does he need to figure things out for himself and then he'll come back to me. i wish i knew the outcome. i wish i knew the future. i hope for the best and want things to work out. but why would i want to be with someone who questions me and would want to brake up instead of working it out. relationships go through ups and downs and we were going through downs but i was willing to wait for the ups. but that's not what he wanted. so now i am here asking for answers. i have prayed, i have asked for guidence, i have talked to my mom, i have read that book "He's just not that into You" i don't know what else to do. should i just stay and be his friend and move on? but that is so hard because i love him so much. i know he loves me too, but he's not in love with me. is there a difference? i am always the one to help out my women friends and give them advice but because my situation is unique i don't know what to do. what is right and what is wrong. i'm not holding to my relationship. i just maintain a friendship with him because it's what works right now. but i love him. what do i do? anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:53pm
I hate to be a big bummer but after reading what you wrote I think you need to take a step back and look at your situation from an outsider's perspective. When someone breaks up with you I have found that it is best to just move on as quickly as possible. I know you are sad, you miss him but questioning his every move and wondering why only prolongs the inevitable..... that you will get over him. Unfortunately, you are in a sticky situation since you still live together. Try to spend as little time with him as possible even if that means trying not to be home a lot. If he just needed a little space then hanging out on the couch together is not giving him that space. Give him what he asked for.... try to become as nonexistant in his life as possible. Guys seem to like to break up and still be "friends" where everything essentially is the same as before only the label is gone. That isn't fair to you. I think you should do your best to move on...if you are meant to be it will work out if it is over for good at least you will have spared yourself the agony of analyzing his every move.

I hope this helps

Dubaibound

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:08pm
i agree with dubaibound. i totally understand what you're feeling, because i've definitely been there, and it wasn't that long ago (although we weren't living together). but when a guy says he needs space, you'd better give it to him. i made the mistake of contacting him and bothering him, and it probably made things worse.

and i totally understand that every relationship and situation is different. but i have realized, that every relationship i've been in (friendship, dating, serious, or otherwise), guys seem to be MORE interested in you when you act disinterested in them. i know it's hard to do that though, because you think "i don't want to give him the wrong idea...i love him, and i want himm to know that so he can feel like he can come back." or at least, that's what i felt.

but, by giving him his space, you're not only showing him that you support him and are willing to accomodate his needs, but you are taking time for YOURSELF and trying to get through this. don't let this relationship be about him. it's about YOU. find YOU again.

i hope i helped at least a little.

good luck, and keep us posted! <3333