Need advice badly!!!!!!!
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Need advice badly!!!!!!!
| Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:57pm |
Can somebody please give me advice...
I've dated this guy for over 3 years. Were both 22yrs. old. When we first met he drank excessively! We were close from day one & I didn't think much about the drinking. As time passed I couldn't take him drinking. I told him he needed to stop. It was getting out of hand. After a yr. of dating he moved closer to me (literally a minute away). I still live at home because I am finsishing college. He did tame down w/ the drinking, but then it got to the point where every time we fought he'd go out and drink. Even when I felt he was the one who hurt me-or started the fight. I can't stand his friends-they ars such bad influences! I can recall a 1,000 times where we were in a fight-I'm home crying and he's out drinking. Once or twice he shut his cell off & stayed out all day & night! Numerous times I've broken up w/ him because of this-after his weekend of fun is over w/ he literally comes back crying. He's even threatened to kill himself If I ever left him. He is not an alcoholic, but definitely a binge drinker. He feels I run his life, but in all actuality I only want the best for him. He feels "no one should ever tell him what to do."
This guy aside from the drinking is the best b.f. in the world. We do everything together & see another everyday. Why is it so hard for him to just stop? When were in a fight he doesn't care about me being left upset-only drinking. It really hurts & I question myself how can he hurt me if he loves me?
This has been going on for so long. Sometimes we can have the best relationship & he will not drink & yet deep down inside I feel he is angry he can not drink freely w/ his friends when he wants.
We recently got into a big fight & he was really in the wrong! Instead of apologizing right away he took the next week & weekend to hang out w/ his friends at the bar or someones house drinking. I on the other hand was so hurt when I passed his house at night & seen he never came home (probably cuz he was too drunk to drive home).
This is the longest he & I haven't talked. I told him it was over because of the drinking & how he acts. He keeps sending me text messages & voicemail that he is sorry & he knows why I hate his friends & their losers. He threatens to hurt himself which is really really scary! He says "oh but I talked about you the entire time- my friends were getting mad." On Sat. night he did trying calling me & texting me but I ignored his calls which I know scared him. He said "he cried for an hour to his friend."
I told him I'd only considering going back with him if he got counseling. Does he need it? Is he just enjoying his age? I know he was 1,000 times worse before he had met me. He has an incredible job, place, and beautiful car. I know he isn't destroying his life by drinking, but I feel if it weren't for me putting my foot down he would have lost his job and had a d.u.i! He hurts me everytime he does this to me! I don't know what to do!
I love him sooooooooo much & everytime he cries to me I feel so guilty. I miss him so much. I feel guilty if I ever left him because he's had a ruff life & openly admited I am the only person who ever loved him.
What should I do? I am a fool to stay in such a relationship? I really love this guy. He's admitted he has a problem and is begging for me back. I know he truly does love me & I do him but the occasional drinking binges is ruining our relationship.
Can anyone help me? What should I do? Thanks for reading this!
I've dated this guy for over 3 years. Were both 22yrs. old. When we first met he drank excessively! We were close from day one & I didn't think much about the drinking. As time passed I couldn't take him drinking. I told him he needed to stop. It was getting out of hand. After a yr. of dating he moved closer to me (literally a minute away). I still live at home because I am finsishing college. He did tame down w/ the drinking, but then it got to the point where every time we fought he'd go out and drink. Even when I felt he was the one who hurt me-or started the fight. I can't stand his friends-they ars such bad influences! I can recall a 1,000 times where we were in a fight-I'm home crying and he's out drinking. Once or twice he shut his cell off & stayed out all day & night! Numerous times I've broken up w/ him because of this-after his weekend of fun is over w/ he literally comes back crying. He's even threatened to kill himself If I ever left him. He is not an alcoholic, but definitely a binge drinker. He feels I run his life, but in all actuality I only want the best for him. He feels "no one should ever tell him what to do."
This guy aside from the drinking is the best b.f. in the world. We do everything together & see another everyday. Why is it so hard for him to just stop? When were in a fight he doesn't care about me being left upset-only drinking. It really hurts & I question myself how can he hurt me if he loves me?
This has been going on for so long. Sometimes we can have the best relationship & he will not drink & yet deep down inside I feel he is angry he can not drink freely w/ his friends when he wants.
We recently got into a big fight & he was really in the wrong! Instead of apologizing right away he took the next week & weekend to hang out w/ his friends at the bar or someones house drinking. I on the other hand was so hurt when I passed his house at night & seen he never came home (probably cuz he was too drunk to drive home).
This is the longest he & I haven't talked. I told him it was over because of the drinking & how he acts. He keeps sending me text messages & voicemail that he is sorry & he knows why I hate his friends & their losers. He threatens to hurt himself which is really really scary! He says "oh but I talked about you the entire time- my friends were getting mad." On Sat. night he did trying calling me & texting me but I ignored his calls which I know scared him. He said "he cried for an hour to his friend."
I told him I'd only considering going back with him if he got counseling. Does he need it? Is he just enjoying his age? I know he was 1,000 times worse before he had met me. He has an incredible job, place, and beautiful car. I know he isn't destroying his life by drinking, but I feel if it weren't for me putting my foot down he would have lost his job and had a d.u.i! He hurts me everytime he does this to me! I don't know what to do!
I love him sooooooooo much & everytime he cries to me I feel so guilty. I miss him so much. I feel guilty if I ever left him because he's had a ruff life & openly admited I am the only person who ever loved him.
What should I do? I am a fool to stay in such a relationship? I really love this guy. He's admitted he has a problem and is begging for me back. I know he truly does love me & I do him but the occasional drinking binges is ruining our relationship.
Can anyone help me? What should I do? Thanks for reading this!

I can definitely relate to the way you feel. My ex-boyfriend was into the drinking/partying scene as much as yours seems to be. He was always "the life of the party"; he had a ton of friends/acquaintances, he was extremely charming, etc. He was the type of person everyone wanted to be around. And like you, my ex and I are both in college. We were long-distance, but I still knew what his lifestyle was like. For awhile I tried to convince myself that his behavior was normal--that he was just acting like a typical, college guy. And it isn't that I don't party myself sometimes...so it didn't occur to me that something might be wrong with him for quite some time.
We were good friends before the breakup, so he would always tell me these wild stories involving his partying habits...but then when we started dating, he would often choose to stay in and just talk to me, etc. It was nice...I felt a lot better knowing that he was relaxing at home instead of out getting wasted at some bar/club. He never gave me the impression that he minded it either...he always appreciated it when I would stay in as well. We viewed it as a matter of respect--going out and partying too much made the other person uncomfortable, so we just didn't do it. This isn't to say that I didn't continue hanging out with friends and having a good time, but I was always very careful and responsible about it.
Over time, I started to notice that if we ever fought, my ex would immediately go out and party with his friends. When he drank, he would either get extremely emotional and send me milions of text messages, etc...or he wouldn't contact me at all. Sometimes he didn't get ahold of me for an entire day or two, even if I tried to contact him. Of course I would get upset, but he would always come crawling back. He made me feel sorry for him...he has a lot of issues (family abandonment problems, fear of committment, fear of being left alone, etc)...and I used that as an excuse for his behavior. I always forgave him too easily...I let him manipulate me into feeling guilty. And like you, I was constantly worrying about him...I was afraid he would hurt himself, since he did threaten to on more than one occasion. I cared deeply about him and loved him very much...and I wanted him to be happy. So I sacrificed my own happiness for him...I let him take away my pride. He just used me for an ego boost...he liked the fact that I cared so much and that I was always willing to be there for him.
Like I said, we were long-distance...and even though I felt like we were really close (he was my best friend), it was easy to keep certain parts of our lives hidden from each other. I never cheated on him...but he did numerous times on me (which I didn't find out about until after our breakup, of course). He even admitted to me that he had gone out and partied a lot more than he ever let on...that he had been drinking and/or drunk a TON of the times we had talked. I feel like a fool now that I never realized this. He probably drank everyday...maybe it was just some wine occasionally, but most of the time it was vodka or beer, etc. And a lot of the times he went out and didn't contact me for awhile were times when he was with other girls.
It makes me SO mad that he had always given me this huge guilt trip if I ever went out and partied with my friends, when in reality he was doing it himself all the time. He never even saw a problem with it...he didn't think there was anything wrong with his behavior. He often gave me the "boys will be boys" excuse. But honestly...someone who drinks (and usually gets drunk) EVERYDAY of their life has a problem in my opinion. The crazy thing is that he was on a lot of medication...so that couldn't have been good for him!
You may think your guy just has a binge drinking problem, but it could lead to alcoholism. And either way--it's hurting you and your relationship with him. He KNOWS you don't approve...he knows that you want him to truly work on it. It's a matter of respect...if he really respects and loves you, he will get help. But only HE can make himself do it...you've let him know where you stand. Don't back down from what you feel is right...even if you are worried about him. He is the only person who can get himself help. I learned the hard way that I can't do anything to help my ex...I can't "save" him or make him a better person. It's up to him...and it sucks, because he's also been diagnosed as being bipolar--so that makes me even more worried about him. I really fear that someday he'll end up alone and miserable...but he's made it obvious that he doesn't want or need me in his life. I can't solve his problems for him and neither can you for your ex.
It isn't enough for him to just TELL you that he knows he has a problem...he has to actually do something about it. You can be supportive, but stand firm...don't let him suck you back in and continue on with his old ways. If he really wants to change, he will...until then, don't give in.
i was in a six year relationship with someone who was addicted to pot....he used pot daily and overused it in times of stress and upset much like your b/f uses alcohol.
i gave him so many "second chances" that i quit counting. we were young and in love and i thought if you loved someone enough he could stop with the pot. he got in so many scrapes with the law, flunked out of college, lost jobs, hung out with bad people...but i still had hope. the first 2 years we dated it was not a problem so i wanted the old boy back and continued to hope.
i wasted six years waiting for him to change and then finally i found out he had moved on to cocaine. that was my last straw and i left him. i had to move out of the state to keep myself away from him and that was 3 years ago. he still calls and i think i can finally say that i can be his friend...although he wants more. i did the no contact thing for about a year but he continued to leave messages on my cell and email me..but i did not answer.
i got a great deal of help from a group called alanon...it helps you deal with people in your life who have an addiction and teaches you hot to detach...you have to learn that you cannot control their drinking or pot smoking or whatever...your job is to take care of you and sometimes that means leaving the relationship.
just be thankful that you are not married to him...it is not your job to take care of him or make sure he does not drink......it sounds to me like he needs treatment
good luck and let us know how you are doing.