Need advice on ending long-term relation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Need advice on ending long-term relation
13
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 1:33pm

I am hoping someone out there has been through a similar experience and can give me advice.

I have been in the same relationship for 14 years and have been married for 7 1/2. When we first met, I wasn't really interested but I knew he liked me. So on my 22nd birthday (I was in college and was drunk) I saw him and well, you know what happens when you have had too much to drink! We started dating, and even though I was never really sexually attracted to him, he turned out to be an awesome person and grew to love him. He is my best friend. However, I have in many ways just become an extension of him. All of my friends are his friends and family. I also gave up on my desire to move out of my hometown (I've always wanted to live in Boston) because he didn't want to move. And of course, there is no real passion for him and never really has been sexually.

BUT, he takes care of me, is passionate about me and he loves me like no other person has. His family is wonderful-I am an only child and he is one of 8. My family loves him, he is an all around great guy. We never fight, he has never even really said a mean thing to me. He makes me laugh. So what is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with him? Over the years I have gone through periods of doubt like this but have gotten through it. However, last year my father was diagnosed with lung cancer (he just died on 11/20) and that started a whole re-evaluation of my life. It was slow at first, but then in June I met someone who sort of reawakened in me what has been missing in my life. We had a (sort of) affair, but he just broke it off b/c he met someone. I know that it was wrong and have deep regrets over it - I never even thought I was capable of cheating. I am not telling him b/c all it would do would hurt him.

So now I am struggling over the right thing to do. I am scared that leaving might be the wrong decision. There is a lot at stake - my whole life has revolved around him, his family and his friends. If I leave, I will truly be alone as I have very few friends who live locally. And I do really love and care for him and he is my best friend. Not to mention the hurt I am causing him is killing me, so much so that I may be willing to stay with him just to spare him the pain. Afterall, it is not a bad life. I know that I live better then 99% of the people on this earth, so who am I to complain?

Thanks for your consideration.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:46pm

"So now I am struggling over the right thing to do."

You struggle because what you want to do(leave) is not the RIGHT thing to do.

You go on about how lacking in passion things are. What do YOU do to bring passion? What are you doing to turn things around and make it better? Admittedly your husband is a wonderful man. You can't blame dating and marrying him on your drunken 22nd birthday. Some time in there you loved him enough to marry him "Forsaking ALL others til death do you part".

So again I ask, what steps are you taking to make improvement? If you are unhappy because you feel you are simply an extention of him, do you really have anyone to blame but yourself? Why don't you try living "as if" and make what you want into your reality. Get out more. Take a class at the community college. Or a pottery class. Or community theater. Whatever floats your boat. Make some friends of your own and stop depending on him to provide you with a life. And if your life long dream has been to live in Boston, you need to have a heart to heart with him about it.

There are a million things you can do to fix your situation. Dwelling on what you don't have, instead of being happy with and working on what you do have is not one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 5:46pm
I was in your situation, and I left. And now 20 years later, I regret it. I'm not saying my life is bad now, but 20 years ago I thought there had to be more out there, but reality is, you only trade one set of problems for another. It sounds like you have a life that many women are out there looking for. You'd be crazy to leave. Be happy for what you have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 5:50pm

Angelica - Thanks so much for your reply. Your advice is much appreciated. I do want to clarify a couple of things though. Like I said, I have struggled with these feelings before and they have gone away, but they arise again and again, and obviously this time was the worst. I've always felt like I settled with him because it was the easy thing to do. I got so caught up in his life that I went with the flow. I got married in part because all of his friends were getting married. We come from completely different backgrounds - he is suburban-traditional and I am urban-non-traditional. I never even thought I would get married. I used to have great ambition (I wanted to be president when I was a kid lol) and I just pictured my life a lot differently then it is now. I am fiercly independent yet I have never lived alone. I let him support me when I was in graduate school, etc etc.

And I have tried with the passion thing, believe me - books, videos. This summer I really tried to rekindle things - bought sexy underwear and took the lead on sex. It just isn't there for me.

I am also trying to make my own life - I have been staying in better touch with friends. I am reconnecting to my childhood best friend and am excited about that. I run, do yoga and am exploring Buddhism and meditation.

I definitely at times feel exactly the way you said things, believe me. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I have been trying and that's why I am so conflicted.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:20pm

Go to marriage counseling first for at least six months and truly give it your ALL. If you still aren't able to re-ignite your love and passion for him, then you will at least know that you did everything you could before leaving.

I didn't go to counseling first and I regretted it for a long time, even though I think my divorce was the right decision.

Also, I personally feel that it's crucial that you tell your husband that you cheated if you decide to stay. To do otherwise is to treat him like a child and take away his choice of whether to stay in the marriage with someone who is capable of cheating. It's totally unfair to him. If you're leaving anyway, however, then telling him is cruel and unnecessary.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:29am

"And I have tried with the passion thing, believe me - books, videos. This summer I really tried to rekindle things - bought sexy underwear and took the lead on sex. It just isn't there for me."

So you tried physically, did you try mentally? Sexual attraction in women is primarily mental. If you tried all these things, but in your head you're thinking the whole time "Okay, I'm going to try all this for my husband, but they probably won't work because I'm just not attracted to him" or anything in the like, it's futile. If the whole while you're reading the books, watching the videos, slipping on the panties, and innitiating sex you're thinking it's something you HAVE to do, vs. something you WANT to do, of course it just isn't there for you! You have to honestly try mentally.

Surly your husband isn't some sasquatch hidious beast. There must be something about him you find attractive, even in it's smallest measurement. Build on whatever it is. Keep your mind focused on what you like and love about him, and eschew the thoughts on what you don't. Even more, every time a thought of what you dislike about him comes to mind, say something nice to him. Give him a big hug and tell him you're greatful for such a loving husband. Kiss him and if he asks what for, tell him it's just because he's so understanding. Compliment him. Touch him and tell him you love him every day. Sure, it may be forced for a while, but like I said in my last post, live "as if". Eventually, it won't be forced, and you'll begin looking at him more favorable because you focus on the great things about him. If you force yourself to notice, and act on them, sooner or later that's all you'll notice.

One more thing. You hold all the power to have what you want and need from THIS relationship. You just don't know how to get it. I'll tell you a starting point that is absolutely fabulous. It's a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger called THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS and it's companion book you may also want to check out is called WOMEN POWER. At the very least, PC&F is an entertaining read. It could very well change your life for the better.




Edited 1/12/2005 11:34 am ET ET by angelicafox
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 1:30pm

I feel bad for you. It sounds as if you are existing but not living. You say you are struggling with the right thing to do, but it sounds more like the easiest thing to do.

I ALWAYS say that any real friend will give you the advice to:::::DON"T TAKE ANYONE"S ADVICE! Seriously...it's so easy for everyone to say "I'd do this" when it's not their pain or fears. Sure they mean well...but no one knows your boundaries and strengths better than you. Therefore, follow your gut instinct.

That I have done and although it was the scariest road to take it lead me to the life I now have. I have a wonderful Man and I have everything I ever wanted. It sounds as if the Man you are now with is truly wonderful and he too deserves to be loved pasionately.

I hope things go well for you. But living in the comfort zone and nothing more has already led you an affair. It sounds as if you are ashamed of that. Think about that....it will be easier now to go down that road and your life of comfort is now making you uncomfortable in your own skin.....meaning, that's probably not at all who you are.

Also, in your heart of hearts... are you sure you're not staying where you are safe but yet in search of something better for you? You have some big decisions to make and alot of soul searching to do.

Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure that it is in BOTH of your best intersts!
Good Luck sweetie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 2:02pm

Thanks to all of you who responded. Your kind advice has given me a lot to think about.

Attorneyswife - I especially appreciated your insight. You are right, I am very much ashamed of my affair (which consisted of 2 acts of sex, a few lunches & dinners and one meditation class)and even more ashamed of the fact that my heart was broken by him - I thought he had all of the qualities I was looking for in a relationship - intelligence, compassion, spirituality, and he was drop dead gorgeous. So I am dealing with the loss of my father, the issues of my marriage and a broken heart. But I am not throwing myself a pity party - I just obviously am too depressed right now to make a life changing decision. If you wouldn't mind sharing your experience, I would greatly appreciate it. I would like to hear how you came to the decision and what your feelings were throughout the process. Right now, I am in agony and severely depressed (I am in therapy and on meds)and the thought of leaving scares me as much as I am racked with guilt from staying. Everytime I look at my DH I know that I am no longer worthy of him.

What you said about staying safe was right on - so how do I know if building a life on my own is really the right thing to do or am I just playing "the grass is always greener" game? Is it a normal phase that people go through now and again or is it a sign that I am not in the right relationship for me. Again, your insight is much appreciated! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:16pm
I was in your shoes. I was married to the safe, nice guy for 14 years. Great dad wonderful provider, supportive, the whole nine yards. My friends were all envious. But I was lacking something in the relationship. Something deep I couldn't put my finger on. I too struggled for years over what to do. I went to counseling with him, went to classes, made new friends, got new hobbies, opened a new business, tried to get more out of our sex life with books and toys, change my mental outlook, physical looks, everything, it didn't work. Something just wasn't right. I left with a lot of courage, and never regreted it. I had a few painful nights and daydreams and I still reflect on what may have been diffent,but I still dont regret my decision. You need to be true to yourself. I hope this helps. But if you are depressed and medicated I wouldn't rush into any decisions, you stayed this long another few months of thinking it over wont hurt. And dont feel as if you are unworthy for cheating. It was wrong, you know it was wrong and that is what is important. You telling him will only hurt him. It will not absolve you.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 9:35pm

Hi there,

You've gotten a lot of really great advice. From what I've read...I think that your issues are mainly about yourself and where you are in life. Like you mentioned you felt like an extension of him...and well somewhere along time you stopped being an independant person. I think this is where you need to start your healing. Making a rash decision of ending a marriage that in many ways sounds decent...well, you may regret it.

First, if he is your best friend...then talk to him. You don't have to tell him about the affair at the onset of you telling him that you're not happy in your current situation. You need to dig deep and find out if what you really aren't happy with is yourself. Men in your life cannot fulfill you. Ask for his support...seek counseling for yourself and counseling as a couple. Tell him where you are left unsatisfied. Of course, he may become defensive...but expect it. Be honest...it will get you through this time and lead you to your next step.

Eventually, do tell him about the affair...because out of respect to him...he deserves the truth. (I was cheated on by my BF of four years...he admitted it and told me the truth...I could have blown up...but something in me was mature enough to listen and of course leave...but the point being he disrespected me by cheating but strangely his honesty about the situation was appreciated by me) You may have been lured into the affair by the hardships in your life...your father's condition and untimely death were a lot to deal with...so you may have used another person as an escape from the reality of your life. So when you say heart break from the man you had an affair with...you need to really stop and think about that. Is it really grief from loss of your father? It sounds to me like projection...a natural defense mechanism we employ to get us through rough times.

I really think you need counseling. If you feel depressed now, counseling will help. It sounds like you "woke up" one day and started asking yourself how did I end up like this? If you find your current life dull...then start doing little things to change the monotony. If you're not working...get a fun job. If you are working, pick up a hobby that you always wanted to pursue. Learn a language together with your husband and then plan a trip to that country. Make friends that you can call your own. But most importantly, talk to him. Maybe he feels the same way as you do...but does not know how to tell you in fear of hurting you.

The grass does always appear greener on the other side...so take each day as it comes and you'll work out the tangles in your life. Ultimately, trust your inner voice. No one's advice is better than your own. Also, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your father...it hasn't even been two months...and being such a huge readjustment...it's natural to want to run away from the pain and alter your life.

The only person that can fulfill you is yourself. So, stop and take control of your life and your decisions. Relearn to love yourself and stop looking for love from others. Take one day at a time. Do not stay in a situation for the sake of others...your life is about you. If you have children...well the responsibility is even bigger...but they deserve a mom that really loves herself and thereby can give them a wonderful life. If you get a chance watch Spanglish...you'll enjoy it.

Sometimes we overindulge in ourselves that we cannot see the bigger picture. Changing your attitude can be a change in everything. Start by working on your own self love and self respect...Good luck with everything :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:53am


chefind:
Thanks for your input. I actually told DH about wanting to separate on 10/31. A couple of weeks ago we decided to separate within the house - I now sleep in the spare bedroom. We live as friends and check in with each other every week. I am in therapy and on medication. He doesn't want to go to therapy, but I have asked him to.

Well, I want to thank everyone for their replies. It has really helped me look at many different perspectives. I have since had an epiphany: Anyway I slice it, my marriage is over. If I decide to stay, I have to tell him about the affair because otherwise it is not fair to him. He should be able to make a choice about whether to stay with someone capable of cheating. He has told me point blank that if I cheated it is over. So if I tell him, it's done. He gets hurt and everyone I now know will hate me. So that means my best option is to just leave - that way at least I don't have to tell him and we can at least continue to be friends. Nice situation I've gotten myself in, huh?

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