Need advice, ex is give mixed signal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Need advice, ex is give mixed signal
73
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:22pm
my boyfriend and i broke up on sunday, he tells me he still loves me but we do need to take some time apart, for us to think about things, where we heading with life, and how important we are to each other. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs at least a month to think about things, then maybe we can get back together. I know he loves me and i know that the reason we broke up was because we argued a lot. We argued about little things, his inconsideration of my feelings, i would get mad at him a lot. I realized that but i guess it's too late. I told him i'm willing to change if he's willing to change with me, it takes two to tango, so it's gonna take two of us to fix things. He says he doesn't believe me. I told him that i don't want to lose him, he told me that he's not looking to be with any other women. That i have to trust him, that's not my concern, well it is but what i meant was losing him period. He told me i just have to give him some space, let him have the time he asked for so he can figure things out. What should i do? i need some advice, do you think he's really sincere that he just want some time to figure things out and there really is noone else? i know that i'm going to have to respect the fact that he needs some space, should i wait? i love him deeply and my heart aches everytime i think about not being with him. Please some advice!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:24pm

I sympathize with you. My boyfriend and I broke up about six weeks ago. I didn't see it coming. We had looked at engagement rings two days before that. He said he felt like he needed to concentrate on other things in his life, such as his relationship with God. He said he hoped it wouldn't be a permanent break up, and that he wasn't planning on looking for someone else. We continued to talk for the next couple of weeks. Then the next week I tried to call him and he didn't answer. After my third unanswered phone call, he called me back and told me that he had met someone. That broke my heart--how could someone who said he loved me and wanted to marry me find someone else that fast? I'm still upset about it, but I'm getting better. I've realized that he couldn't handle a serious commitment right now, and it's easier for guys to go out and find a shallow relationship than to take the time to figure things out or grieve about what they've lost.

I was willing to fight for the relationship, but he didn't have it in him to do that. I don't know if there is someone else, but I don't think you should just spend the next month waiting to hear from him. Concentrate on yourself right now--try to find some sort of peace with the situation. If it's meant to be, he'll be back, but don't shut your eyes to other possibilities. I still feel like my ex is the one for me, but I've come to the conclusion that the timing is bad. If we're supposed to be together, we will be, even in spite of ourselves. There is some comfort in that, as far as I'm concerned. I've decided to try to let go and let God.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:36pm
Fighting a lot, inconsideration and communication issues, did either of you suggest counseling? I can't imagine that a month apart would change anything....except to grow further apart.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:25pm
I agree we need counseling, but i don't know how to bring that issue up with him. He told me that we need at least a month apart. He keeps telling me he needs time to figure himself out, i respect that but at the same time i don't want us to grow apart! I keep telling i want to change so that wer're not always argueing, but he simply said he just doesn't believe me right now, he says that a few days apart isn't going to change anything. How can i prove it to him and work things out together when he doesn't even believe me? When i tell him that i don't want to lose him he just tell me that he's not going out to look for another girl. He still tells me that he loves me, then if we both love each other, then why can't we work things out together? I care about him deeply and would do anything to try to work it out. I know that i can get mad at things that simply can just be let go, but i need him to help with the way he talks to me too. He told me to believe and trust him that there is noone else and there is not going to be anyone else. I'm just scared and confused, my mind won't stop thinking and i get these thoughts in my head. I do trust him but do i also do believe that counseling will do us a numerous amount of good! Please any advice on how i can approach him with this subject would be greatfully appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:22pm
Just tell him, that while you disagree with his decision, you will honor it. Then stop trying to prove anything or trying to get him to believe you. Use the month to focus on you, make your own counseling appt, go forward and see how you feel at the end of the month. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:44pm
i know but it's so much easier said then done. it breaks my heart and i miss him so much. Sometime i pick up the phone to call him and everytime we are done talking i'm in tears! I know he still cares about me but it makes me so sad and depressed to think that i can't be with the person that i am so madly in love with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:20am
Hey, I am going through the same situation. I understand how not calling is soooo hard to do even though you know what will happen if you do call. I ask my girlfriend the same questions and she reacts the same way and I always end up hurt in the end, but I still call. It has been a month since she told me that we need to break up because she has issues that she needs to get over--in a lot of ways I still have hope that we will get back together because she tells me that we have to be broken up "right now" to grow. She says that she would love to spend the rest of her life with me but right now she is just not sure of a lot. You need to understand that the more you push the more he will pull away. I know that it is hard but try to better your self right now, try your best pleeeeease, I know its extremely difficult, but take it from someone who is going through the same thing as we speak. My girlfriend told me the same things: I still love you, we need to figure out what we want in life, we need to better ourselves, etc. Try not to call, but understand that you not calling will not make him forget about you, it will only make him think about you more. No one can tell you what will happen in the end, but I know from experience that calling him and crying will not do anything but make him frustrated and you sad. Take care of your self right now, it is hard and I do not expect you to be strong enough to just cut off contact immediately, but you have no other options. I know it is scary because of the thought of losing him, but believe me you are doing no good calling all the time and trying to figure out what he wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:43am
I talked to him this morning, and asked him about couples counseling,and he told me that he doesn't want to do that right now! I told me that if i keep calling and telling him all these things like how i'm a wreck without him and that i really want to make this work, then we need to stop talking. He said it's hard enough as it is then for me to keep telling him those things. I asked him when are we going to know the time is going to ever be right for us, and he said he doesn't and he doesn't want to think about that right now. I'm so so sad, i'm def. kicking myself in the ass right now for not realizing all this sooner! but i guess you don't realize how important someone is until you lose them, i just hope that we still have a chance, i want to change and grow and evolve with him. What should i do?Please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:38am

Okay, I might ruffle some feathers here but I'm going to play devil's advocate.
Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? You should be with someone who knows without a shadow of a doubt and without having to think it over that he wants to be with you.
It sounds more like a concession prize here. Sorry, but it does.

Relationships do take a balance, but they don't need the parties to split up for a month. If he is the right one for you, then you shouldn't feel scared to bring up counseling and he shouldn't be against it.

Remember that a man will move mountains to make a relationship work if he WANTS to.

Try to do things for yourself, other activities, groups, hobbies, etc and you may find out that YOU don't want HIM after a month.

(((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:02pm
I know, I know it's just so much easier said then done! What i don't get is just monday he asked me to put this all behind, and i called him up later that day to tell him i made a mistake and that we need to work on things, he told me he's already made up his mind i was right we do need time apart. how can someone want to work something out then change theie mind so quickly? Like he doesn't even care anymore. How can he throw it away so easily? i'm human too and i can be stubborn and i realized that i had made a mistake but it was too late! I talked to him this morning and suggest that we do couples counseling and he said no, cause he asked me before but we both brushed it off not thinking. I told him that i was a wreck without him and he asked me to stop telling him all these things cause it hurts and he doesn't need that right now he needs to be strong. He said if that was going to keep happening everytime we talk then we shouldn't talk anymore, or he just won't pick up when i call. He said that he loves me but the last 6 months was bad and he doesn't want to do that anymore but niether do i that's why i want to go to counseling so we could work things out.Before we hung up this morning he said I love you, and i told him i love you more, then he said maybe we shouldn't say that to each other anymore it's too hard, he just realize that. Why is he doing this? If he loves me so much why can't he find it in his heart to work it out with me?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:32pm

Because love isn't enough...it's just not. It would be wonderful if it were, but life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

Give him the month he's requested, with no contact. He needs to see what life without you is like (it's the whole, "how can I miss you if you won't go away?" thing). But be prepared to move on at the end of it because there's no guarantee that at the end of that month, he'll want to work things out.

Sheri

Pages