Need advice, ex is give mixed signal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Need advice, ex is give mixed signal
73
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:22pm
my boyfriend and i broke up on sunday, he tells me he still loves me but we do need to take some time apart, for us to think about things, where we heading with life, and how important we are to each other. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs at least a month to think about things, then maybe we can get back together. I know he loves me and i know that the reason we broke up was because we argued a lot. We argued about little things, his inconsideration of my feelings, i would get mad at him a lot. I realized that but i guess it's too late. I told him i'm willing to change if he's willing to change with me, it takes two to tango, so it's gonna take two of us to fix things. He says he doesn't believe me. I told him that i don't want to lose him, he told me that he's not looking to be with any other women. That i have to trust him, that's not my concern, well it is but what i meant was losing him period. He told me i just have to give him some space, let him have the time he asked for so he can figure things out. What should i do? i need some advice, do you think he's really sincere that he just want some time to figure things out and there really is noone else? i know that i'm going to have to respect the fact that he needs some space, should i wait? i love him deeply and my heart aches everytime i think about not being with him. Please some advice!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:59pm
This is so hard! when i talked to him he said that the past few days were good for him, not that he was without me but that he didn't have to worry about me getting mad or worry about us, he was able to focus on himself. I don't want to lose him, who ever wants to lose someone that they love and is still so in love with. But i have no choice he's made up his mind and all i can do is respect that and hope and pray for the best. It won't be easy i know. Should i make the inciative about letting him have a month to himself with no contact so we could both be clear whether we want to be together or not?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:16pm

I'm not sure what you mean, but if you're asking if you should CALL him and tell him you're not going to call him for a month, then I'd say no, you should just DO it. Mark one month from the last day you talked to him (yesterday? today?) on your calendar and call him then.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:58pm
But wouldn't that mean that we are going to puch each other further apart? That's something that i am really scared of right now. It would probably be the best thing but i don't want him thinking that i don't care anymore and that i've simply given up. I feel like such a wreck, and i can't stop feeling like there's a ton of rocks in my stomach. Why is he doing this when he clearly knows that i love him and that he tells me that he loves me too? I'm willing to even go to couples counseling with him, but it just seems like nothing that i say or do is good enough and he's made up his mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 3:04pm

Yes, it would mean that. That is what he wants, so there isn't much more you can do but respect his wishes.

I agree with the last poster that healthy relationships do need a one month break. There isn't anything that is going on in that time frame that would make anything different. Maybe he will miss you and want things back, but really, if you haven't done anything to change the relationship dynamics, you'll just find yourself right back where you started, even if he does want to try again after a month.

Personally, I don't see why he'd want a 'break', unless he is transitioning to being completely broken up with you (which is what I think this is about). He tells you there isn't anyone else, which there may not be, but people don't break up with someone to be with them....they do it so that they can end the 'pain' of the relationship and/or free themselves up so that they are available for the 'right' person to come into their life.

He doesn't believe anything with be different with you because you aren't doing anything that will make it different. Trust me when I tell you a guy can only take so much of someone telling him he is an A$$hole and does everything wrong before he wants to free himself from the situation to find someone who will appreciate who he is. So, maybe if he sees an effort on your part to actually try and change the underlying dynamics, he may have hope that it could somehow be different if you did come back together.

I'm with the other posters. Give him all the space he asks for and more. If he doesn't want you to call, don't. Start with a counselor on your own, so you can talk about the things that were a problem in your relationship. Use the time to learn about yourself and grow as a person. If you do talk with he (i.e., he calls you), then let him know what you are doing if you want. But don't look that as the solution to the problems you had with him so much as a chance to improve yourself. Worse case is that maybe you will be healthier, emotionally, for your next relationship. Best case, you find solutions to the problems with your EX (and I say that because that is exactly what a 'break' is....you've broken up).

Your questions:

::But wouldn't that mean that we are going to puch each other further apart?

Yes, but you have to respect his wishes. I do not think a break like that, without doing anything to change things, will do anything but push you further apart. If, somehow, he misses your relationship, he may want to reconcile, but work will still be required to change how things are with you two when together.

::It would probably be the best thing but i don't want him thinking that i don't care anymore and that i've simply given up.

If you start counseling on your own, he'll know you haven't given up. The greater fear you have is that he has given up....and I'm sorry, but that is what it sounds like to me.

::Why is he doing this when he clearly knows that i love him and that he tells me that he loves me too?

He thinks he is doing what is best for himself.

:: I'm willing to even go to couples counseling with him, but it just seems like nothing that i say or do is good enough and he's made up his mind.

Again, go by yourself.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:32pm

No...you're *already* "apart" if you will, by his choice. You can either respect his choice, in which case he MAY be willing to give it another chance, or you can NOT respect his choice, in which case he almost certainly will not give it another chance.

He knows you're willing to work on things and that you care...but he's not willing to work on things, at least not at this point. You can't do it by yourself.

I already answered your question about why...I know it's not what you want to hear but it's the only answer there is: love isn't enough.

Sheri

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 5:45pm

It's real simple and you don't want to hear it. Sheri and everyone else on here has told you that the ONLY thing you can do right now is change and grow and evolve with YOURSELF because he has removed himself from the picture, at least for now and maybe forever. There is NOTHING you can do to rope him back in. You are only irritating him and pushing him away with your further contact. He wants NOTHING to do with you now, doesn't even want to THINK about it.

I understand how hurtful this attitude can be, how hard it is for us women to understand, how difficult it is to accept, but it is a fact. You are POWERLESS over anything but yourself. We have all been there. I am there now. Keep visiting this board, and do all the things that are suggested to move in your own direction. Best wishes and hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:17pm

I have to say that I agree with lled, Sheri & Memphisstars. The only thing you can do is give him his space and let him figure things out, as hard as it is & as much as it hurts. I don't want to sound negative, because maybe you will be a couple again, but you must be prepared. Many times, guys will drag out a breakup, wanting "space" or whatever, because they think it's easier on the girl, like it will soften the blow, when in reality it only makes it worse because it's dragging it out. There's no way to know if that's what your ex is doing, but you have to take it into consideration.

You WILL be fine no matter what happens - all of us here are living proof! ;-)

But for now, just remember that you have no control over your ex and what he decides - only how you decide to handle this. Like I said, I've been there and I know how bad it hurts. Just take care of yourself and surround yourself with your friends & of course visit here often!

"The only way out is through" and you will make it through!

{{{HUG}}}

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:02pm
As much as i know that everyone here is right it does not make it any easier! I want to believe that there is still a chance for us because i was the one that said no we need a break first, he's just carrying through, i'm very upset because if i had just not been so stubborn and let some things slide we would still be together. I do need to respect his wishes, i really dont' have any other choice, it's not like if i was to put my foot downhe'd come back to me. It's just very difficult and there is a long road a head of me. Thank you all for the great advice and if you have any other's please feel free to give them any advice to me right now is ver cherished!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 8:11pm
When i talked to him earlier today he told me to please stop telling him that i'm miserable without him because when i do it really hurts him. Well i decided that i need to repect that the fact that he needs space. So i called him when i got off work, and told him that i love him and i'm very much in love with him and i am afraid of losing him but i'm going to respect his decision since there is nothing that i can do about it but give him his space. I also told him that when your in love with someone you don't fall out of love with them easily, not a day, a week, a month, or for a long time. He told me that he agree and that he wasn't going anywhere. I also told him that i believe in my heart that i don't think that this is not the end for us. He told me that he doesn't want me to think that this is the end for us either. I also told him that when we ever want things to work we will need to attend counseling because we need someone bias to give us some advice on how things work. I also told him how sorry i was the way things ended and that if i hadn't been so stubborn. i just wish we had realize things were bad and we needed a counselor. I'm going to couseling by myself,i made an appointment for tomorrow, it's a little step but i'm slowly realizing i need to grow up a in order for US to work, i need to find myself in order for me to be with another person. Do you think that he is sincere? and that he does truely believe that we will oneday have a chance? I'm slowly getting myself better. Please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:30pm
I know how you are feeling all too well. Whether or not he is sincere is not a question I know the answer to, but I can tell you that you should not be going to counseling for him
--you should be going for you. I bet that when he told you that he does not think this is the end your whole world became brighter. You are allowing your emotional stability to be totally dependent upon what he says to you and that is not good. As long as you allow you’re self to contact him, you will continue to do so. You have to worry about you right now, better your self and put this situation in god’s hands, if it is meant to be in the end he will come to you. I know it is hard but you are better than that, in a situation like this you have to look at your self and your past and try to figure out if there is something within you that needs to change, are there any mental, or emotional walls that you have not been able to climb, and you need to begin to climb your butt off. Go to counseling for you, not him. Love can hurt, it can heal, it can survive and it can die--you never know when it comes to love, but the one thing that love will always do is open your eyes, it will always allow you to see changes that need to occur in your life, whether it is during or after a relationship. So in the end you have to think of the famous quote "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it means that much more, but if it doesn't then you needed to experience this to grow."
Ps. Sorry if I got too deep in my reply, LoL.
Also, STOP CALLING HIM!

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