Need advice, ex is give mixed signal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Need advice, ex is give mixed signal
73
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:22pm
my boyfriend and i broke up on sunday, he tells me he still loves me but we do need to take some time apart, for us to think about things, where we heading with life, and how important we are to each other. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs at least a month to think about things, then maybe we can get back together. I know he loves me and i know that the reason we broke up was because we argued a lot. We argued about little things, his inconsideration of my feelings, i would get mad at him a lot. I realized that but i guess it's too late. I told him i'm willing to change if he's willing to change with me, it takes two to tango, so it's gonna take two of us to fix things. He says he doesn't believe me. I told him that i don't want to lose him, he told me that he's not looking to be with any other women. That i have to trust him, that's not my concern, well it is but what i meant was losing him period. He told me i just have to give him some space, let him have the time he asked for so he can figure things out. What should i do? i need some advice, do you think he's really sincere that he just want some time to figure things out and there really is noone else? i know that i'm going to have to respect the fact that he needs some space, should i wait? i love him deeply and my heart aches everytime i think about not being with him. Please some advice!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:40am
I know and i am going to go to counseling for me, i need to find the real ME. I know it's going to be hard and you know what when he said that it really brightened my day, which sucks because i can not be sure whether i can believe it or not. I love him and i know that feelings can't go away that easily. If he comes back then it WOULD mean so much more. I know i should stop calling him it's just very hard but i know that that is going to be the best thing for me. He said he'd call or i can call him, but i told him maybe he should try calling me...he never called. He says one thing and goes and does another. Confused as always!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:36am

hello,

i am going through the same thing as you, sort of. my ex told me that he was not in love with me anymore, and that he did not want to go to counseling, or work on things. then in that same sentence he said maybe he needed time. i contacted him a few days after he broke up with me to ask him if we could work on it, he told me he needed time, and he was positive that time would be good for both of us, and he wouldnt give up on me, but he could not promise me anything either. so that left me with a little bit of hope that time would change his mind. but it has been 16 days since i have talked to him.

my advice would be to start no contact right now. there is no way you will be able to feel any better if you keep reaching out to him and talking to him. you will only hurt yourself in the end, and you will not give him time to miss you or see what its like without you in his life. i know this is very very hard to do. i struggle with it everyday!! but i have made it to day 16 and i am very proud of myself. get a journal and write your feelings to him in that, that will help you get your feelings out. as time goes on you will see how your feelings start to change. the best thing you can do right now is just try to heal and take care of yourself and make YOU feel better! IF he comes back, wouldnt it be better if you were feeling better, and happy, and healed, rather than sad, lonely, and miserable? trust me, i felt the same way you do, and i got the same advice that i am giving you. you MUST do it, it is the only way you will feel better. everyday gets a tiny bit better than the last. just take this time that you have for yourself to think about the relationship, and think about you. take care of yourself, better yourself, learn from this! i know its hard, but just know that you can get through it and if you need to talk, i am here for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:33am
But he never ever told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I know that it is a lot my fault that we broke up and it's hard. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call. It hurts when he said that he'll call but doesn't. I dunno he says one thing and goes and does somthing totally different. But as hard as it's going to be for me not to call him, i have to be strong and stop being to clingy. He said he needed space and by me calling he's not getting his space. He'll call when he's ready...I hope this counseling will do me some good and give me sense of peace with myself! I'm scared to losing him but it's no longer in my hands, it's in his and gods had whether we'll be together again! My heart aches hoping he's not out at the bars hitting on other girls, he did say that it was fair game, we're broken up.but then again i don't have a say anymore! And i need to not think about things that'll bring me down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:47am

Honey,
Whether or not he loves you is completely irrelevant. He does not want to be in a relationship with you now. That is the sole fact that you must deal with.

A true relationship will exist no matter what either of the parties do(argue,etc) You can't beat yourself up with the fantasies that if you were perfect he would still be around. The reality is, this situation would have happened no matter when. It just happened now. Being stubborn was not the breakup, so stop dwelling on it.

You do need to do things for yourself. What are you about? Are you an artist, writer, athlete? Start new groups or activities around that without any thought of him. Above all else, don't do things with the intent of "impressing him" or that it will make him come back to you. This new stage of your life has NOTHING to do with him. This is now your life.. YOUR LIFE. What do you need to live today?

I am also missing my ex and he won't speak to me. Yes, it hurts very much, but I can only take care of me and how I live. I exist without him or with him. He is secondary, he WAS in my life, now I am in a new life. That is reality, it's the way things go.

Do you have friends you can be with and talk to? Don't forget to open your eyes to the rest of the world, there are most likely opportunities out there that you aren't even seeing because of your focus on your ex. Observe your world and appreciate it and one day you might realize that your ex no longer fits into it. And that it is just fine.

Have a fun day and hang in there!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:48am
I'm feeling extremely sad and depressed today. He said he was going to call but never did! So i let my guards down and called him, he didn't pick up either so i just left him a message. I still keep thinking to Monday when he asked me to forgive and forget, and i said no! When i went back to him later that day he said he'd already gotten himself in that mode? What does that mean a mode? I know i shouldn't dwell on that but it's hard not to. I miss him and it's only been 4 days, I just feel like this is not affecting him the way it's affecting me because he hasn't called or seem upset when i talk to him, it's always me crying and gettingupset. Why does it have to be so hard? If you love someone why won't you want to go to couples counseling, i asked him and he said he can't do that right now. I called him after work yesterday to tell him that it was going to be the last time he'll ever hear me tell him that i'm so miserable without him and that i love him and i want us to go to couples counseling if we ever do want US to work. Why Why does this have to hurt so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:19am

I know it's not fair. It's miserable and cruel but there is nothing at all that can be done if the other party won't come half way. And unfortunately your ex won't. It really doesn't matter what his intentions are, it's the actions that matter and the actions here are that he doesn't want to talk to you or see you.

I know, it's hurtful. We can never fully understand the motives and really, it doesn't change the fact that he isn't around. You just need to find a way to get over him. It really sounds as if he has made the break final but might be having a hard time telling you directly when you speak to him in tears. Guys are very fearful of hurting women and really hate scenes. They seem to do absolutely anything possible to avoid them. Just try to find little steps today to distract yourself and find the happiness around you.

There is one lesson I learned from my Zen studies. To look at the world through new eyes, the eyes of a child. I'm not talking about exes, because at this point, you need to stop thinking of him. I mean the world around you, your house, the trees, the corner coffee shop which might have poetry readings on a particular night where you realize suddenly that you really enjoy the people there and the cinnamon latte is delicious. Things like that. Just sit back for a while and observe life.

Just because you are single doesn't mean that you are defective or unlovable. You are simple alone right now. There is a big difference between alone and lonely. It is a state of mind. Aloneness is powerful. It means that you are so strong and independant and powerful that your being does not need anyone else to make it so.

Try to shift your focus just a little bit this weekend and see what happens.
Do you write at all? A lot of other posters have mentioned journalling. I do that every now and then, and it does help. I'm just not very consistant but you might be. Give it a try.

Long walks are nice and distracting as well. Nature is very therapeutic.
(((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:20pm
He was the one that said that he didn't want to stop talking to me. I told him that i don't want to be friends with benefits...and he told me that he would never do that with me he repects me too much. I don't know anymore my mind is telling me so many things at once and my heart hurts too. I told him yesterday that i Love him and when you love someone it just doesn't go away easily and he said that he agreed. I also told him that i did not want to lose him and he told me that he wasn't going anywhere, he's not interested in anyone else! He said why would he want to start another relationship with someone when they don't know anything about him. I'm still having some hope in my heart that he does just need space and realize some things on his own. But at times i can self doubt depending on the mood and how depressed i am too. I'm so lost!!and hurt mu heart aches!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 3:04pm

Well I was wondering why this posting was so long.... I see you've gotten some very good advice from the ivillagers here... and you need to take it! Really honestly, no more calls is the only way you're going to start moving onward and upward. You've done all the calling, complaining, pleading, pouring your heart out to this guy and it's not going to change the fact he wants/needs his space. When he doesn't call when he says he's going to, what does that say to you? It hurts like mad - I know, we all know- so stop letting him rule your world. By not contacting him, then he can't promise you things like a phone call or that you 2 "may" have something down the road... it's all false promises and just keeps you lingering in the hopes things will just magically go back to the way they were. It's unlikely and that's the sad, hard truth.

No one on here is trying to bash you or take personal shots, it's all just tough love. But you've got to start believing in this advice. You will start to alienate your family and friends if you don't (been there too in a past life).

We all know what you're going thru, every one of us on here has a story to tell and we've probably all felt this rug pulled from under us in some form or another. You will get thru this! I'm in my 4th month away from my situation and I can tell you you'll live. The process hurts like hell, but maybe it's something you need to learn from and grow and be independent.

hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:13pm
we decided that we are going to take a month away from each other, no contact what so ever. he said that he is taking the risk of losing me but that the risk he has to take in order for us to better ourselves. before we hung up i asked him i know that he loves me but was he still in love with me and he said that he was very ,much so. we made the date of June 1st to get into contacft with each other. Please pray for the best for me please. Thanks you everyone for your support. I don't know where this is goign to take us but i'm hoping for the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 2:27am
Hi, i read the entire thread and Im in the same exact situation as you, and all the advises they gave you are the best one. Just forget about him for now, and if he comes back then good he came back but if not life keeps going. my ex and I also planned to meet at a certain date like(hopefully on the weekend of may 19-21st) you did, but what im expecting is not good, so just keep in mind you have to expect the worst but also leave room for just a little bit tinny hope, but not too much. When i hear his voice or feel his presence in the internet or whatever i just get hurt more, so just expect the worst, but be positive about it and take it as an experience to grow and learn from your mistakes. Thats exactly what im doing im expecting the worst, but still im learning about myself more. Well take care and please let us know if it went good, if not then dont say anything. I just wish you the best of lucks on June 1st.

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