Need advice, ex is give mixed signal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Need advice, ex is give mixed signal
73
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:22pm
my boyfriend and i broke up on sunday, he tells me he still loves me but we do need to take some time apart, for us to think about things, where we heading with life, and how important we are to each other. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs at least a month to think about things, then maybe we can get back together. I know he loves me and i know that the reason we broke up was because we argued a lot. We argued about little things, his inconsideration of my feelings, i would get mad at him a lot. I realized that but i guess it's too late. I told him i'm willing to change if he's willing to change with me, it takes two to tango, so it's gonna take two of us to fix things. He says he doesn't believe me. I told him that i don't want to lose him, he told me that he's not looking to be with any other women. That i have to trust him, that's not my concern, well it is but what i meant was losing him period. He told me i just have to give him some space, let him have the time he asked for so he can figure things out. What should i do? i need some advice, do you think he's really sincere that he just want some time to figure things out and there really is noone else? i know that i'm going to have to respect the fact that he needs some space, should i wait? i love him deeply and my heart aches everytime i think about not being with him. Please some advice!

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:30pm

Its somehow comforting to realize tat we can get so much support out there and there are people going through the same pain as us...

I m still very sad n hurt. I still miss him n love him. I still hoping that he will reconsider giving us a 2nd chance. I still hope that he still loves me and he still have me in his heart.... whatelse can i do???? nothing but grieving...

Let's hope that we will move on n get over this soon... i like myself more when i am happy n smiling... n i m sure u r the same, right?

sad girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:53pm
Yes, i agree with you, i want to be happy too. But that's going to take some time, a heart needs time to heal! I love him very much and i wake up each and everyday missing him. I wonder if he's missing me too and wether he's still in love with me anymore. Love hurts, but you have to be strong and hang in there, you have plenty of support. I wake up every morning in tears because i miss him so much! And i'm so used to waking up next to him! I know that he's already given up on us and that hurts knowing that he's willing to throw everything away even though we did fight a lot, i wanted things to change, u know like us goign to couples counseling. But i guess when you realize something sometimes it's too late. Maybe someday, you never know, he'll realize he wants you in his life and is willing to change to make things work.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:27pm
its so weird. youre whole situation, all of youre emotions and feelings are exactly like mine. only i didnt listen to my head or to him or to my friends. i called and called, i hung out with him, we even tried the sex-friends no commentment thing. i mean,it was terrible. and all i should have done is to give him the space he needed. but i couldnt, and now he says its over for good, were not right for each other because of the way i handled it, and he thinks i have no self confidence, no independance and im very needy. so please, if theres any hope for you guys, listen to everyone. but dont do it for him, do it for you. if you get better, maybe hell see that, and be attracted to the girl he once knew, and if not, youll be happy and confident and on your feet again and feel like the old you.
thats what im aiming at anywayz.
thanx and good luck. break ups are the worst.
amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:06pm
He asked for his space, at first i thought he was afraid of telling me that he no longer was in love with me and we would never be together again, so i called and told him if that's what he thinks then to please just tell me cause i'd rather know,and i'd rather have him as a friends then as nothing at all. He said that, that wasn't the case and he wasn't interested in anybody else. And that he loves me and is still in love with me. Then i made the biggest mistake by calling him on our anniversary, he really didn't want to talk to me, but he told me to please just respect the fact that we agreed to June 1st, and respect his decision. and he told me that when june 1st came we weren't going to get back together, maybe in the future though, and that he would call me on the first and we'll talk then.so i told him ok and we hung up the phone. He called me right back and said that this was his affectionate side, and he told me how much he loves me, and how much he misses me, and he thinks about me everyday, and that i'm the only woman he cares for out here! So u can see where i am confused, he'll make me seem like he doesn't care but then calls me back to tell me how much he cared for me! I miss him so much, i love, and i am still in love with him! hugs and kisses to you, if you ever need to talk or vent please do! thanks for listening to me tell my story! I dont' know if i have hope or not anymore, i'm just confused all inside.
xoxxo
tammy
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 9:18pm

you should try to move on. its sounds like he is too. hes just leading you on. youre better than that. i just got through with a book that helped me soooo much! try reading it then figure out how you feel. i promise, it helps sooo much. anyone who has trouble with breakups i recommend it. its changed the way i view relationships. and gave me hope.

The Mastery of Love (a toltec wisdom book)
by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:44am

Hmm.... its me silly girl. I felt bad. :( On the 5th day of no contact, i could not help but sent him another email after seeing him online every evening since we broke off (I have block him so he cant see me) I missed him so much and seeing him online made me doing my 'thinking' again :( 'why is he online playing games every evening when he has a new girlfriend now? Even Friday night and Saturday?' 'Is she really his new girlfriend?? I regretted sending it afterwards :( But since then I deleted his contact from my msn, his email address, emails in the past, pictures....

Why is it so hard to get over this???? :(

How are u doing on your end? I hope u r better than me :)

silly girl

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:00pm

My ex called me yesterday out of no where... it was my 10 days of NC... I have to say I still miss him terribly n have the urged of calling him all the time. Its very painful...
However, his call made things complicated... He said he still loves n misses me n wanted to be with me. But on the other hand, he does not know how to. He is afraid that he is not good enough to be with me. He doesnt want me to suffer together with him. He felt ashame of himself of the situation he is in right now. He said he lost his job again and have not had much luck finding another one yet. He still lives in poverty. The new girl came along when he needed someone most and she 'save' him. He said he does not love her but couldnt break the news to her as she is suffering from severe depression. He is afraid that she might do something stupid if he is to break up with her now. They have been together for 6 weeks now.
I only half believe his 'story'. I believe tat he doesnt love her but i think he doesnt want to break up with her either as in case things doesnt work out for us, he still have her! I told him... if he care that she will not be able to face the fact that he wanted to break up with her now, what makes him think that he will be able to tell her later, especially if he keep leading her on... it will be even more devastating for her in the later stage! He said he did not ask her to be his girlfriend, she simply assumed it as they have been spending quite a lot of time hanging out for the past weeks and when asked, he admitted that he has told her we are over. I then asked him if he doesnt love her n if he still loves me, why would he let her claim to be his girlfriend? why could he not tell her that he is not ready to start another relationship?

I m upset but yet, i couldnt leave him yet at this time... i need to slowly let go... also i want to help him get a job n get him out of his depressing situation. (I told him there is so much we can help, ultimately he has to help himself n do it!)

sily girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 2:00pm
That exactly what i am going through right now, it is so tough. Especially when you have been together for almost 2 yrs. I have no idea what is going on in his head. I have talked to a lot of friends for advice. And everytime i want to pick up the phone and call him, i call one of them. I hope things ended or began again the way that you hoped that they would. I am just trying to be patient through all of his emotions. I too set up a month time span for us not to talk and give him time to figure everything out. If you have any advice for me, i would love to hear it too.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:24pm
I have been where you're at...totally head over heels in love with a person I was with for 3 solid years (from age 23-26) (prime years!) and from experience, (and it was a year of absolute inner turmoil and excruciating agony) that you can't make a man your end-all-be-all. We ended up breaking up but nothing i did (or didn't do) affected that outcome. Yes--you are in love and you feel like you can't live without this person. But you have to be able to be happy without this person. The more you call him, the more you are indicating your neediness and reliance on him..which is going to turn him away from you. I think most men/women crave women/men who are happy in their own right. Emotionally strong, happy, confident and joyous without them. It's okay that you're sad but use this as your own growth period b/c focusing on YOU is inevitable right now because you can't control another person's decision. He may never come around...and he may need this space b/c you are too dependent on him for your happiness. The best way you can show him you're not is to be a whole individual on your own right...and that may take some inner work. That may have the ironic affect of attracting him back probably (but that can't be the point). And if not, it'll set you up to win for your next relationship. There are no shortcuts to these discoveries but please use this as an opportunity to find yourself. Try therapy even. Do you have issues in your childhood with abandonment, etc.? No matter what you're not going to stay where you're at: how exciting! you'll grow a TON and in the grand scheme of your life, no matter what outcome you'll be a better partner by enduring this hard seemingly life-ending crisis. Hang in there, I know it's tough but you'll get through with effort and time. Best wishes. And my trite advice is the more you cut him out the more he'll be begging for more. Shake him up a bit and have faith your outcome is already in the stars. For me, I praise God everyday i'm not with my x.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:56pm
i actually found out that he was talking to some other girls while he was telling me that it was not his intention to do that. Well i decided to change my number, so i wouldn't always be checking to see if he has called! We finally talked on our one month without contact, and he asked me why i changed my number? and i told him that it was for me, i needed to let things go! Well everytime we talk now i always call from a private number, adn he told me today that it's really hard on him not knowing when i'll call, and he always pick up the phone now when i call! He tells me how much he misses me, and loves me, and is still in love with me! Only time can tell, he's gonna have to stop giving/and taking numbers if he ever wants us to get back together! I pray for the best everyday! But i'm taking this time to better myself, if i don't get back with him then i know that i will be the best for my next relationship. Like my mom always tell me if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you then it's meant to be, but if it doesn't then it wasn't yours in the first place. And i truly believe that. Please wish for the best!!!

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