Need advice, ex is give mixed signal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Need advice, ex is give mixed signal
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Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:22pm
my boyfriend and i broke up on sunday, he tells me he still loves me but we do need to take some time apart, for us to think about things, where we heading with life, and how important we are to each other. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs at least a month to think about things, then maybe we can get back together. I know he loves me and i know that the reason we broke up was because we argued a lot. We argued about little things, his inconsideration of my feelings, i would get mad at him a lot. I realized that but i guess it's too late. I told him i'm willing to change if he's willing to change with me, it takes two to tango, so it's gonna take two of us to fix things. He says he doesn't believe me. I told him that i don't want to lose him, he told me that he's not looking to be with any other women. That i have to trust him, that's not my concern, well it is but what i meant was losing him period. He told me i just have to give him some space, let him have the time he asked for so he can figure things out. What should i do? i need some advice, do you think he's really sincere that he just want some time to figure things out and there really is noone else? i know that i'm going to have to respect the fact that he needs some space, should i wait? i love him deeply and my heart aches everytime i think about not being with him. Please some advice!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:01am
More power to you!
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anonymous user
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:04pm
I am going through the same thing you are right now. My husband left 6 weeks ago. AFter the first 2 weeks he actually came back, but only for 5 days. He says he feels lonely and needed to get away to clear his mind. I have cried every day for the last 6 weeks. Everybody keeps telling me it will get better every day, but it doesn't. I have not been able to eat for the last 6 weeks, lost about 23 lbs. so far. Everybody kept bugging me to see my doctor - I did and she wants to put me on Prozak! Forget it. Yes, I am hurting, crushed and devastated. But I need a clear mind now, not drugs. I do not understand either why my husband wants to be away because how can you work things out if you're not together? I have been going to therapy since this happened and the therapist suggests that sometimes distance can help a relationship. So I will give it a shot, but I feel too that I am going to lose him and I love him so much. I believe in God and His word and I know what the bible says about marriage and divorce. I am just hoping my husband remembers these things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:47pm
I have been going thru a breakup also, I don't know how old you are but I am 52 and still am having problems..I have been in 4 yes 4 realtionships,all ending badly...Why??? I have fianlly relized in my most recent breakup (his choice) that I AM CODEPENDENT AND I PUSH AND PUSH AND THEN I ChaSE THEM AWAY.. now mind you I am not taking all the blame, because, after all..I am not the only person in the relationships, but, i have come to realize that they are just as scared, needy and hurt as we are...we have to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have these same insecurities as we do and that yes they do need to take a breather, because I don't know about you but I have a tendacy to SMOTHER,CLING AND BEG...Lack of self confidence, fear of not being enough and having them run from you, and not having them with you at all times.....I have been told by each of my MEN that I am to much for them....I hacve yet to figure out what they mean and they never explain so I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or cut down.....anyway we need to give ourselves a break andlearn to love ourselves and then maybe we couldd alllow them to love us for who we are.....I don't know about you ladies...but we really don't need them.....I have been on my own most of my life and I am quite proud of my accomplishments..I have raised three children on my own...I own my own home, I have good friends I have a great job...and the most important I have a very important and really the only man that I need and that Is Jesus Christ...He loves me no matter what I do or say...so ladies..(Get this) I have just come to this conclusion this very day after reading all your letters and advise to each other...Most of it well written and well taken by me...I have been in counciling and have talked til I am blue in the face and my friends are getting tired of listening to me and frankly so am I...I have been alone 8 years with only Jesus there for me and now I need to let my man go....that doesn't mean that he won't be back...or that he will...I will leave this to God....I have never in my life loved a man the way I love this one but if God intends for us to be together...I(I PRAY FOR THIS EVERY DAY) so be it...if not there Will be someone even better than him...That is up to GOD.....He is the only one that knows our future and ubndertands our hearts anyhow...with Him all things are posssible.....I wish you all the best of klluck and I believe that God directed me here to see that I am not the only one hurting like this.......Maybe God is trying to tell us these men aren't the right one...and the guys....God will take care of them as well.....God doesn't like it when we hurt....It has been 33 years and 5 months for me..(HE and I dated in Highschool) Don't give up....Live is way to short,,,,and now that I have just lectured mysdelf thru you all I will pray for all of you and that your lives will grow and be happy in the understanding that GOD is with you all...Ask His help...he does listen we just have to give it to Him...God bless you all.......Hurting
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:13am

Hi Hurting2again-

read your post and was very moved by it. I am the same age as you. My husband just walked out on me about 1 month ago. He said he felt lonely and was not happy, just needed some time to clear his head. I get all the same emotions from him that others on this board are talking about like he misses me, loves me, cares about me, etc.... I think that may be the guilt bearing down on him and somehow by saying these things it makes him feel better. I sense you are a Christian. My husband (or so I thought) and I are Christians. You have totally hit it on the head. Jesus is the one we need to turn to for everything and I have given this over to him. My struggle is knowing what the bible says about husbands and wives and how to treat them and also what it says about divorce, I cannot help but to be filled with confusion knowing what God's will is regarding these matters, but does not appear to be happening. I love my husband very much. I am not giving up. I made a commitment to God and to my huband with my marriage, and I'm not throwing in the towel. I never saw this coming - we've been together 18 years, married 13. We don't have children, no financial problems, never fought, no drugs or alcohol. I thought we had a good marriage. You are right though, give it up to God, he will weather us through the storm. We will face struggles and suffering, but in the end it will be for a good reason.

susiqqq

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 7:32pm
susiqqq
Are you and your husband still apart? Have you tried counceling? I tried to get mine to go before he chose to leave and he backed out...I have been doing alot of praying and asking God to help us all, even today at my work place a young MAN was telling me about his girlfriend leaving him...and he was very hurt....so we are none of us without pain, even the men..he told me to let the jerk go and that we should make a pact to both move on....he was a total stranger......funny how God puts people in our lives to make us realize that we are not alone....
My guy decided that he needed to play the feild because he is a widower and he never dated anyone but her and I before marriage and so now he thinks that he needs to explore....so he is emailing a lady on the other side of the Us and she is at his home for the week....I am very hurt and jealous...but let him get it out of his system,,,and as I said...God will take care of what he wants for us both ...If you love something set it free,,,if it comes back it's yours if it doesn't it never was.....I am relying on GOd and faith......we can pray for each other and I will continue to write if you want to...Chin up and Praise the LOrd for his love God bless Hurting
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:01pm

Thank you so much for responding. I think what I need more than anything right now is to talk to someone who feels my pain. My husband left initially 6 weeks ago and came back after the first 2 weeks. I had to go out of town to see my family, so I think he really came back only to take care of our dog. Once I returned, he stayed only 2 days and left again. This whole thing caught me off guard - never saw it coming. I really thought we were happy. We never fought, no financial problems, no drugs or alcohol. I just came home one day and he left a note on the counter saying he was unhappy and felt lonely, so he was going to stay with his friend. His friend is a mess! He is a doctor of psychology (but not practicing), is separated from his wife for the last 1 1/2 years (she actually lives in another state) and is very depressed all the time and relies on my husband for comfort and support. So my husband leaves to go live with his friend. A year ago my husband changed jobs and about 6 months ago developed a new circle of friends at work. ONe is this doctor and the other was the doctors administrative assistant, a married woman. He kept talking about her how funny she was and that we should all go out as a group. The first time I met her was at my house for Thanksgiving dinner. In the first 10 seconds she already told me her marriage was not on stable ground. I saw right through her and her motives. For the next couple of months we went out as a group, the five of us. I started seeing glances and a casual touch of the arm here and there. Long story short, I confronted him about this and he said they just had a friendship, that's all. He even said if it bothered me we wouldn't go out with them anymore, so we didn't. So I didn't think much of it. After he left me the first time, he sent me emails every day telling me how much he loved me, missed me, cared about me, etc. After the first week we met in person to talk about things. It seemed to go pretty good, I felt a lot of hope and so did he. We were both committed to work this out. Before we departed that day, I said I had to ask him one last question - the question was "Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" He paused, which I knew was not a good sign, and answered "I have never committed adultry in our marriage." I haven't looked up the definition of each yet, but I thought they were both pretty close. When he said that I mentioned the other womans name and he just said he never saw it coming, even though I mentioned it to him twice in the past as far as what I saw coming. Anyhow, he just said it developed into a deep friendship. The following week I couldn't take it anymore, so on a Sunday I called him, we talked and cried for a long time. Again we went over alot of things and were going to work on things. ONce again I had to ask him a last question. I asked if there was anything else he had to confess to me. There was silence for about a minute. He started crying and said my name. I said it was the other woman again, isn't it? No answer, so I asked when the last time was that he saw her. He said two days earlier they went to lunch. I proceeded to hang up on him. 45 minutes later he was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. He hugged me and said that this is where he needed to be. I told him I did not want him back out of guilt or because he knew I was hurting, or because I wasn't eating. He told me he was back because he loves me, missed me, wants to work it out, and more importantly because this is where God wanted him to be. He also made a statement that what a great testimony this would be to other people to show how God can work in their lives. Two days later he was gone again. Said he just couldn't stand the pain. I am still not quite sure of the relationship he had with this other woman, because I can account for all of his time. We carpooled and I was the one with the car. I took him to work every morning and picked him up every night. There was only one occasion when the group went out and I was not able to join them to go to a movie. That is the only time anything could have happened. So I am inclined to think it is, or was, more of an emotional infidelity than physical, but I don't know.

My husband went to Christian counseling about 2 years ago for himself to get over anxiety issues. He went for about a year 1/2. The counselor was great and helped him alot. At at the end of his therapy they brought me in to strengthen the marriage which I thought it did. A couple months ago he decided out of the blue we needed to go back to counseling. We went twice to the same Christian counselor. My husband didn't like what he was hearing from the counselor because it was Christian based. I brought up the subject of this other woman and what I thought was developing. The counselor suggested to my husband that if he kept this behavior up that statistics show it would turn to infidelity. So I guess that's the part he didn't want to hear. He then canceled all of our other appointments. I find out now that he has been going to a secular therapist for the last 6 months. Secular therapists concentrate only on the individual - the only thing that counts are your own feelings at any cost. If you're not happy, move on. So I think that's where the big change has occured. After he left me, I talked with our Christian counselor and he said the last time he saw us he didn't even recognize my husband. He knew my husband inside out from working with him for almost 2 years. Now he was a totally different person. We both feel he is being pulled by what he knows to be his faith and by the outside forces of the world and the people he thinks are friends that are influencing him.

His family, except for his dad, are not supporting his decision. They think he is making a big mistake. He has totally cut them off, will not answer phone calls from them or respond to emails. His family has seen the change in him the last 6 months as well.

The friend he was staying with only had a one bedroom apt. I heard through his sister that he signed a 7 month lease on an apt. I think this is good in that it was not a mentally healthy environment for him to be with his friend. My hope is that he will get this space he thinks he needs and hopefully he will want us just to get to know each other all over again by staying married, living apart, and maybe just trying to date each other again. That is the hope I have, probably unrealistic, but I believe in what the bible says about marriage and commitment and I'm not giving up.

In the meantime he has left me with a house, mortgage payments, other bills, a dog, and hurricane season upon me as we live in Florida. So to say the least, I am overwhelmed, hurt, shocked, devastated and alone. My family lives in Wisconsin and I don't really have anyone here to talk to - my world revolved around him.

Sorry this is so long, but I need desparately to reach out to other people going through the same thing. Thanks so much for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 1:27am

susiqqq
Wow....where do I begin...First..I would gladly help you out as a person to talk to..and we can switch...I am really sorry to hear what is going on...I have been here also...my second man was a Cheater...but from your description of your husband I think(ONLY MY OPINION) that he isn't cheating...he is I am sure feeling unsure of himself and what he is doing to both of you...middle age crisis, as it were...that is what I am sure that my guy is going thru...I pumped up his ego and I created a monster..his going to a councelor might be a good thing..I am impressed that he is at least doing that.....I wish mine would...and mostly for himself....
I have to say that i am beginning to believe that (I) need to get real and move on...but you you have invested 15 years into this and I advise you NOT to do anything RASH..keep your head about you and keep talking...Don't give up...does he work with this woman still??? suggest marriage counciling again...give to God and ask him to help you also...
pray and allow yourself to get yourself confidence built back up and start to heal for both of you...The grass is always greener on the other side til you have to mow that lawn too...been there too...ask God to forgive him and pray that your husband can forgive himself and you both will be happy again...GO IS THE ONE TO MAKE IT RIGHT< he forgives you both...believe, have faith and love yourself....
at least your man isn't entertaining a woman who he doesn't even know in his home for a week...and I feel that he is cheating on me...considering that he tells me one day that he loves me and them turns around and tells me that he is pursuing another relationship...
I had a nervous breakdown...and he wouldn't even talk to me...GUILT!!
I don't know if I am making any sense and I also hope I am not misleading you...just give it time...that's what I hear....
where in wisconsin did you live? that is where I am from....way up in northern wisconsin... try not to fret...(I am telling myself the same thing.) ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>>> Good luck,,,i will pray for the best for the both of you and God will prevail...Hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:22am

Hi Hurting-

Thanks for getting back to me. My husband is from Green Bay and I was raised in West Bend. Where abouts were you from?

I think you are pretty much on with the mid life crisis thing. That's what everyone suggests to me. The other woman no longer works in the same office as he does. She was asked to leave that department because she was causing so much trouble by "working it" with the men and it disrupted the whole offie. Nobody was really getting anything done because she would always be talking to them and building up their ego's. She still works for the same employer, just not the same building and quite a distance from where my husband is. But even that didn't open my husbands eyes to see what she was all about! I still don't believe that the therapist he is seeing is the correct one. Both times my husband left me, it was on a Tuesday. Every Tuesday at 12 noon he meets with this therapist, so I'm sure he encouraged him each time to leave. I have strongly suggested to him to please see a Christian counselor, but he said that he thinks Christian counselors look at him as "being a bad Christian." Well.......

I have been going to a female therapist as well as my Christian counselor. Both agree that his patterns and behaviors are very confused. They also said that maybe this separation is the best thing that could happen to get us back together. That's what I'm hoping for. I have given this up to God, I just pray every day that He would reveal to me His plan. The pain is unbelieveable. I pray for my huband all the time. I'm not even angry at him, I'm just extremely hurt.

Sounds like your guy might truly be going through the midlife thing as well. My therapists say that it really does exist. Many times men will get through this midlife crisis and realize the mistake they made by leaving. The only thing is, that I know for me, if my husband would come back, the trust issues would be a major issue to work on, and I guess in the back of my mind I would always be wondering if he were going to leave again. Does your husband attend church? If so, couldn't you contact someone at the church to get ahold of him to talk to him? I think the part about not wanting to go to couseling is purely out of guilt. He knows what he's doing is wrong, they just don't want to admit it. I read over and over on these message boards about how when these men leave, they continue to tell their wives that they love them, miss them, etc. I think that talk is all out of guilt, but because I continue to have hope, I choose to believe some of it is true.

Are you sure your guy didn't have anything to do with this woman before now? It just seems odd the way he's going about his crisis.

My struggle right now is the "not knowing." The way I see it, my husband has three choices: 1. he wants to work it out 2. he doesn't want to work it out 3. he's not sure. There aren't any other choices than these three. My problem is that he has answered to all three of these, so I'm not sure where his truth lies. I also struggle with not having contact with him whether it be by phone, email, in person, etc. Just like other messages I have read, my husband suggested "no contact" because it is too painful for him to see me or hear my voice. I really think the underlying issue once again is GUILT. How could he feel any pain? He's the one that walked out! As much as I would like to contact him all the time, I really feel he needs to make the first move. I know if I would email him, he would respond back, I just want him to initiate. What's really hard is that he works basically across the street from where I work, so I kind of feel his presence all the time.

He went out and got an apt. by himself. Signed a 7 month lease. He hasn't told me about it and has not contacted me for any furniture. He still most of his belongings in our house.

I know what you mean about God putting people in our lives at this time. I have a lot of support from neighbors and friends. Most of them are all angry at my husband.

I'm praying for me and for you and everyone else going through this very difficult time in our lives. I know God says he will not give us more than we can handle, but wow! it hurts so much.

susiqqq

I will be praying

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:20pm
Hi susiqqq,
I am sorry that I didn't get back to you this morning but i am not an early riser and I never get up in time to just do the getting ready for work thing..
how is it going? I have had a very emotional day...I got chewed out by two of my clients and I had a breakdown just thinking that my guy as it were is doing the same thing with his new chick that he did with me,,and I know what you mean about the unbearable pain....it is just so sad....he is after a stranger that he knows nothing about...and I am praying that she isn't at all what he expects her to be....and he will leave her alone... we're not even married but I feel he is cheating on me.....and the trust issue is a REAL BIG THING for me also....and he worries about me....ahhhhhhhh!!!!MEN!!!
I have two friends that are pastors and I have alot of support from them and they all think I should let him go.....all others say so too....but.......
I also agree with the GUIlt thing...and the midlife crisis...menopause for men...only I think they are worse than woman ....
I built mine up with all the love and support and compliments that he did not have with his dead wife...she was cold and now that I have built his ego he is so puffed up that he can't get thru the door his head is so big......
as for him talking to anyone from his church...he wouldn't listen anyway as he hasn't yet...except to hear the negative things that he wants to hear...
Honey, please don't get so down on yourself you are not doing anything wrong nor am I!!!they need to be taken down a pega nd humble themselves...to what they have done...
I am in Hayward wis. do uyou knowe where that is...I have been here for 21 years to long,,and only stay for my kids...
well, stay firm and don't blame yourself for anything.. God BLess you darlin'
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 7:05pm

Hey Hurting-

I still don't understand your guy meeting up with someone he doesn't know. Did you say this was an internet introduction? If so, just take that for what it's worth. He just thinks the grass is greener, but I think more times than not they eventually come to their senses. At that point it will be your decision whether you will let him back in your yard. I know for me and my commitment to my marriage, I will not give up until the fat lady sings.

I do have some interesting news. I finally received an email from him this morning after not having any contact with him for over a week. He informed me that he is going back to Wisconsin - next Friday will be his last day at work. He has arranged some deal with his employer where he can work from a remote location for awhile. He told me at this point he feels the only place he can go is back to what we always refer to as "home". It's the only place he feels he can "clear" his head and try to sort out his feelings. Although I am sad he will be so far away, I am very happy that it kind of shows me that there wasn't a physical relationship going on with this other woman otherwise how would he be able to leave her? He also finally admitted to me that he knows he has to leave because he knows the environment he is staying in is not healthy or stable for him. To me that speaks volumes! It tells me this wacko therapist is not helping him in the right way and I think he has finally realized it. It also tells me he knows he can't live with his doctor friend because that guy is not a good influence with his marital problems and his constant depression. So for those reasons, I am glad and I still hold on to hope. What he doesn't know is that I have planned a trip to Wisconsin to visit my family the later part of July. I have already spoken to his sister and I will be paying him a visit when I am there. He won't know I'm coming, but I think we at least need to see each other face to face if for nothing more than to just have lunch.

My thoughts are with you today. Sorry you didn't have a good day. I kind of cracked up at work when I got his email, so I just went in a back room and cried for a while. Now I'm home alone as usual, looking at the 4 walls and emailing you! Thanks for being an ear - it really does help. By the way, I do know where Hayward is. My parents used to have a place on Pelican Lake. Isn't it up in that area? Gee, I should come and visit you when I come in July, I will already be traveling to Green Bay.

susiqqq

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