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Need Advice & Help
| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:01am |
Hello,
I met this man in April when I was out with my friend at a nightclub. He seemed nice, so we exchanged numbers and started dating. The very first date with him I brought up his smoking as a possible problem for me as I am very sensitive to smoke. He said that he just wouldn't smoke around me. After our first date he started telling me how he loved me, which i was a little freaked out by. He was divorced and has a horrible relationship with his ex wife. She hardly lets him see his 7 year old daughter, and I am not sure what this is about. He married her after 2 months. They fight all the time. Anyways, he continued to tell me he loved me and that he might quit smoking if he got a comittment from me. We continued to date, but he was smoking around me, which he promised not to do. One night on the phone I brought this up telling him that if we got5 more serious we needed to talk about his smoking. Well, he became angry and defensive and made a negative comment about my body in response. We played phone tag for about a week after that and when I did finally reach him, he was nasty and mean to me. He said that I gave him an ultimatum, telling him that if he didn't quit smoking then I would break up with him. I told him that I didn't say that, and then he hung up on me. I tried to call him back, but got his voice mail. I finally reached him again, and he hung up on me again. I have always had great difficulty reaching him, as he hardly ever answers his cell phone. Anyways, I have left him several messages both voice mail and text messages saying that I want to talk to him, but no response. I cared for this man and I am confused as to why he kept telling me that he loved me, but now won't even speak to me just because we had a disagreement. I don't feel that I did anything to get this type of reaction to him. Why is he doing this? What should I do? I am heartbroken. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Karalyn
I met this man in April when I was out with my friend at a nightclub. He seemed nice, so we exchanged numbers and started dating. The very first date with him I brought up his smoking as a possible problem for me as I am very sensitive to smoke. He said that he just wouldn't smoke around me. After our first date he started telling me how he loved me, which i was a little freaked out by. He was divorced and has a horrible relationship with his ex wife. She hardly lets him see his 7 year old daughter, and I am not sure what this is about. He married her after 2 months. They fight all the time. Anyways, he continued to tell me he loved me and that he might quit smoking if he got a comittment from me. We continued to date, but he was smoking around me, which he promised not to do. One night on the phone I brought this up telling him that if we got5 more serious we needed to talk about his smoking. Well, he became angry and defensive and made a negative comment about my body in response. We played phone tag for about a week after that and when I did finally reach him, he was nasty and mean to me. He said that I gave him an ultimatum, telling him that if he didn't quit smoking then I would break up with him. I told him that I didn't say that, and then he hung up on me. I tried to call him back, but got his voice mail. I finally reached him again, and he hung up on me again. I have always had great difficulty reaching him, as he hardly ever answers his cell phone. Anyways, I have left him several messages both voice mail and text messages saying that I want to talk to him, but no response. I cared for this man and I am confused as to why he kept telling me that he loved me, but now won't even speak to me just because we had a disagreement. I don't feel that I did anything to get this type of reaction to him. Why is he doing this? What should I do? I am heartbroken. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Karalyn

As for him not returning your calls, my advice is to not contact him again and move on. Don't try to figure him out, it will just drive you crazy. He sounds like he has a lot of issues and is not yet ready for a serious relationship.
IMHO there are so many red flags with this guy I don't know where to start.
He loves you after one date...he doesn't even know you. And the fact that he married the 1st wife after just two months indicates this may be a habit with him. He's lied to you (about the smoking), given you an ultimatium "might quit smoking if he got a comittment from me" and when he didn't get his way insulted you. He's a real prize all right.
You should read back you letter, but pretend your sister or best friend was telling the story to you. Wouldn't you tell them to get as far away from this guy as possible.
Stay strong and remember there are people here if you need support.
Kathy
Wow, that guy sounds like a trainwreck. I agree with the other posters- tons of red flags just based on what you wrote. Be happy it hit the skids early on in the relationship rather than years down the road when you're more emotionally involved and hurt worse.
I know it's easier said than done, but don't waste your time on him... a guy that won't respond to your phone calls, text messages, etc. is not the guy for you (been there). Let him take his garbage into the next relationship.
Sweetie...I'm sorry that you are feeling bad, but WHY oh why are you so heartbroken??? This guy sounds like BAD NEWS...you should thank your lucky stars that he is not talking to you. Seriously! There are red flags all over the place!
I know it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it, but try reading your post objectively. The best thing you could do for yourself is take advantage of his not talking to you and move on. (Although he will probably come crawling back once you stop trying to call him--but don't let him!!)
Sheri
Stop calling him. If he can't respect your concers about smoking in front of him, he never really cared about you in the first place. And touching on the love thing:: If he's just divorsed he's looking for someone to place all his troubles and blames on. Maybe you should take a time out and ask yourself if you want to continue this run around. 'Cause honestly, you don't deserve that.
Karalyn
The main thing that is really confusing to me is that he won't talk to me anymore, since I made the comment about his smoking. He was so worried that I was going to break up with him, but now he is doing it to me, because of his anger over one comment that was made. He won't even give me any closure, which upsets me. I think that the way he is treating me is horrible, especially since I have always treated him well. I guess I am better off without him if this is how he behaves, but it still hurts.
Thanks, Karalyn
I had a somewhat similar relationship two years ago. The guy loved me madly within the first few weeks we were together. When we had our first argument he got so angry that he wouldn't talk to me for four days. We were together for nearly three months and after I broke up with him I regretted it and texted him endlessly. He never replied. I never heard from him again.
I know it hurts. Even if the guy is crazy it hurts. Even if he treated you badly it hurts. When their behavior is inexplicable it can hurt anymore. The truly good news, as other posters have pointed out, is that you didn't have more months or years invested in this guy ... Thank God for small favors.
You will get over him. The hurt will lessen and eventually go away altogether ... Hang in there ... there are brighter days ahead.