Need advice for rough breakup
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Need advice for rough breakup
| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 5:12pm |
Hi all, and sorry in advance for the long message, but I need assistance.
I've been with my BF for almost 3 years now; he's my first relationship, so I have no experience in breaking up with somebody. He's 30, I'm 27, both grad students and not living together.
I got to love him very, very much, and thought he was the person I wanted to spend my life with, but now I'm sure, after a lot of thinking, that he's not. I have deep affection for him, but I don't love him, and I know I'm with the wrong person. I've dealt with that process, but now I have to deal with something tougher.
My BF suffers from depression and anxiety, his emotional problems sometimes override his life, and have been many times the bigger problems in our relationship. He's medicated, but doesn't go to therapy, he thinks it's enough, but it's not. He's also extremely insecure, and although he is 30, he acts like an 8 yr old kid sometimes. No responsibility, he's always showing off, he's a narcissist, selfish, and basically reminds me of a class clown in elementary school. He loves me very much, but it's a dependent relationship- he has me as a salvation tool, his mom, almost. I didn't see these things before because I was in love with him, but now I'm noticing all of it and it's driving me crazy. There is no way I can be with him anymore.My problem is now dealing with somebody who's irrational, doesn't listen, and can be dangerous with himself. We had a huge fight last year, and I told him I wanted to break up with him. He manipulated me, cried, called me like 20 times a day, went looking for me at 2AM at a friend's place I was staying in, begged me for another chance. I gave it to him, because I really loved him, but now it's different. Now I'm sure I don't want to be with him, but I'm really scared of what he can do. Before I met him, he attempted suicide as a means to call for attention (didn't find out about it until much later in the relationship), and I think he might want to do it again. Also, he will probably look for me at work, at school, at my place, he won't let me alone probably, and will beg until I give in, and I don't want to give in. I need to be strong, but I need to know how, and I'm scared of him waiting for me everywhere. He has my apartment and building keys, so I obviously have to get them back.
My parents don't know half of it, but are scared of me being with him, and support me completely, although my whole family is in a different country. My mom told me I probably need to go to counselling so they can tell me how to break up with him, and I will go, but I'm really scared of what's going to happen.
I'm wondering how is the best way to proceed- should I tell him I want to meet other people, that I'm not sure about us, that I've met somebody else... what do I do????
I have to clear up that he's not a bad person, he's very sweet, smart,kind, loving- we've had really great moments together, but he's emotionally unstable. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to get hurt either, and staying with him, in the long run, won't do anything but damage.
How can I deal with this????
Thanks in advance for your help!!!
I've been with my BF for almost 3 years now; he's my first relationship, so I have no experience in breaking up with somebody. He's 30, I'm 27, both grad students and not living together.
I got to love him very, very much, and thought he was the person I wanted to spend my life with, but now I'm sure, after a lot of thinking, that he's not. I have deep affection for him, but I don't love him, and I know I'm with the wrong person. I've dealt with that process, but now I have to deal with something tougher.
My BF suffers from depression and anxiety, his emotional problems sometimes override his life, and have been many times the bigger problems in our relationship. He's medicated, but doesn't go to therapy, he thinks it's enough, but it's not. He's also extremely insecure, and although he is 30, he acts like an 8 yr old kid sometimes. No responsibility, he's always showing off, he's a narcissist, selfish, and basically reminds me of a class clown in elementary school. He loves me very much, but it's a dependent relationship- he has me as a salvation tool, his mom, almost. I didn't see these things before because I was in love with him, but now I'm noticing all of it and it's driving me crazy. There is no way I can be with him anymore.My problem is now dealing with somebody who's irrational, doesn't listen, and can be dangerous with himself. We had a huge fight last year, and I told him I wanted to break up with him. He manipulated me, cried, called me like 20 times a day, went looking for me at 2AM at a friend's place I was staying in, begged me for another chance. I gave it to him, because I really loved him, but now it's different. Now I'm sure I don't want to be with him, but I'm really scared of what he can do. Before I met him, he attempted suicide as a means to call for attention (didn't find out about it until much later in the relationship), and I think he might want to do it again. Also, he will probably look for me at work, at school, at my place, he won't let me alone probably, and will beg until I give in, and I don't want to give in. I need to be strong, but I need to know how, and I'm scared of him waiting for me everywhere. He has my apartment and building keys, so I obviously have to get them back.
My parents don't know half of it, but are scared of me being with him, and support me completely, although my whole family is in a different country. My mom told me I probably need to go to counselling so they can tell me how to break up with him, and I will go, but I'm really scared of what's going to happen.
I'm wondering how is the best way to proceed- should I tell him I want to meet other people, that I'm not sure about us, that I've met somebody else... what do I do????
I have to clear up that he's not a bad person, he's very sweet, smart,kind, loving- we've had really great moments together, but he's emotionally unstable. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to get hurt either, and staying with him, in the long run, won't do anything but damage.
How can I deal with this????
Thanks in advance for your help!!!

Welcome to the board me_sweet79 - I think counseling is a good place to start.