need answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
need answers
3
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 9:21am
It’s been over a week since we stopped talking, and it’s not getting any easer to deal with. I still cry all the time I feel so alone. When ever things were going wrong in my life I would turn to him and now he’s not there and I can’t count on him for support. We talked about marriage and kids. He would tell me that I was the one, together we had everything. And now it like that love didn’t even exist. I’m having such a heard time and its just getting worse. I just want this to end I want to stop crying I want some other feeing besides being sad and angry. I keep asking why but there are no answers its just over. What do you do when all your future plans are with this one person that you were going to spend the rest of you life with? I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I have no future, no direction, I have no sense of self. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I am any more. How much longer do i go on like this, when dose it get better please some one tell me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: purplerose33
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:47pm

The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard

Everyone heals and processes grief at a different rate. It could be another 2 weeks or 2 months (or more). Take it one day at a time. Write daily, vent, cry, scream if need be. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

Make a list of things you like to do and start doing them. Pamper yourself. Take care of you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: purplerose33
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 1:22pm

Seriously, look at what you're saying.

I don't know what I want, need, believe, feel, I don't know whwere I"m headed or how I'm going to get there - he was my world. His needs, feelings, thoughts, goals - were all I had to live vicariously thru.

My God, that's stifling as a dynamic. You looking anxiously at him continuously going "are you happy - I'm not happy if you're not happy, here let me fix you a sandwich and fluff the pillow - let me make you happy, it's imperative you be happy - yo'ure my everything."

Healthy, mature, secure, self-defined, responsible and goal focused people cannot operate in an environment where someone is constantly underfoot believing their purpose in life is to smooth the wrinkles, ease the upset, or eliminate the obstacles and negatives. There is no challenge to life if it's a flat road. And they love the challenge - it allows them to grow personally, and expand their horizons and potential.

Likely the guy wasn't anything butimmature, insecure, unhealthy emotionally, and somewhat dysfunctionally reasoning. He believed that finally someone had "gotten the memo" - that the world is supposed to rotate around his feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires as if that is allthere is. So initially - he was delighted to find someone who'd follow him in blind faith, and thought everything he said and did was absolute perfection, and that he was God's gift to the planet.

But what he found out at some point is that you don't have a feeling - without him taking an action. Unfortunately, he's always doing "something" - because way more than "you and your needs" interest him. So every time he did something that threatened this cocoon you live in with him being what you orbit around - it sparked off in you the needs and insecurities that you've got about yourself and life - that you figure it's his job to fix. Afer awhile he couldn't do anything without you "having a feeling" and spending time in the relationship had you believing "he causes my feelings he must fix my feelings." Because without him you're a blind catepillar in a cocoon that isn't morphing into a butterfly but dying in solitude.

And honestly, there is no way to explain to the "you's" exactly why you're being dumped. I've been you ALOT.......adn you have to adopt a position of balance in order to see it.

But you've been sweet, nice, and gratifying, you've been prostrating yourself for his pleasure, you've facilitated his needs and his interests, you've literally given it everything you've got in every aspect and capacity to "further" his life in every way that you possibly could....adn you're going 'what, isn't that enough? Am I not enough? There is nothing left within me to give".

Well, that's the thing....now you're a void that is sucking the life out of him...whereas before you were a vast pool of resources and energy and abilities to further his efforts and needs and goals.

So he's got no interest in a sucking void...he had an interest in a beneficial pond.

and you did this to you- and you will undo it because it'll take you awhile to build up enough resources, assets, and confidence to go out there and find someone else t obe a benefits and services provider to. A meeter of needs, and a fairy godmother of dreams.

And so while you're building up the assets to invest in someone else - explore yourself, and invest those assets in you. So that you stop seeing a relationship as a means to an end, a source of identity, salvation, security, or success...and you're someone worth interacting with and you evaluate people as to whether they as individuals are worthy of your time.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: purplerose33
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 1:52pm

It is really hard...but you WILL get through it and feel better. It takes time though...and you can't fast-forward through it.

Eventually, you will get to the point where you're tired of feeling terrible, and you'll start making plans for YOU and YOUR life.

The few weeks to a month or so is the worst...but if you can get through that without having contact with him, you'll be well on your way to recovery.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I can't recommend the Greg Behrendt book (It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken) highly enough. Run out and get it...it'll make you laugh through your tears AND give you a plan for getting through this. And of course we will be your "breakup buddies" (a concept he talks about in the book) in addition to any in person buddies you line up.

Sheri