Need Closure And Answers - HELP!
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| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 2:43pm |
Let me start by introducing myself as a 23/M from Canada. Yes, I know, this is primarily a women's discussion board, but I thought it might be a good place to get some advice and insight into a very strange situation. *** I will try to shorten this, but in order to provide enough detail to get some decent advice, this post might end up being longer than I'd like.***
Ok, so I'm a 23 year old Male - young, with a lot going for him and much to offer. I recently became reacquainted with a girl I had met a couple of years ago. She is older than I am - 28 years old - and she has some "different life circumstances" going for her than I do (i.e. her future is not as secure or as promising as mine). However, let it be known that I looked beyond her shortcomings and tried to see the good and potential in her - of which there was a lot, or so I thought (perhaps this was one of my mistakes in this relationship).
Anyways, upon becoming reacquainted, she expressed an interest in getting to know me better and possibly pursuing a relationship. We dove right into each other - emotionally, spiritually, physically - it was quite intense and it all happened very fast, but it was all mutual. We agreed to both try and always maintain respect for each other so that if things didn't work out, we'd never be less than friends. It became clear to me that this girl was falling very hard for me - from the things she said and expressed to the things she did. She told me I was the greatest man she had ever known, after being mistreated and abused by so many bad guys and suffering through some terrible bouts of low self esteem and loneliness. We did have sex and it was wonderful, she enjoyed it as much as I did, and it was very emotional. All in all, everything was absolutely great, we were on cloud nine.
We had only been seeing each other a couple of weeks when one day, something came up that I needed to discuss with her. She wanted to know what it was I needed to talk about, but i was unable to say because i was at work and it wasn't the right time/place to get into it, so I just asked if we could talk later that day. She text messaged me on my phone that "she had an idea of what i wanted to talk about, and that it was ok if I just wanted to be friends, that we had moved too fast too soon and that she was sorry". Of course, this came as a bit of a surprise to me, since I was last left under the impression that she had never been happier in her life. I called her to ask why her feelings had changed, and she did not give me a straight answer, only that "she had done some thinking" and that she wanted to slow it down. I told her that if she wanted to see other people, or if she had feelings for someone else, or if she did not have feelings for me anymore, that that was alright, but she denied each of these. However, I remained suspiscious.
Again, since I was at work, I told her i couldn't really talk about this (or the original matter I needed to talk to her about), so I asked again if we could see each other that evening to discuss things. She made some rather poor excuses for not being able to make time to talk with me, and I was less than impressed. So I text-messaged her later that night, asking if we could talk, and again, she said it was not possible. She also added that she did not want to date, that we went too fast (and that she got "spooked"). I replied, saying that I accepted where she was coming from, but that i still needed to talk to her. Once again, she denied my request... at which point, I felt angry, betrayed, insulted, and disrespected. I replied, telling her that if she was unable to talk to me, that i wasn't sure we would be able to fulfill our original intention of remaining good friends, no matter what. She replied by saying "then I'm sorry it has to be that way, good bye", to which I replied, "I'm sorry too, you are a good girl and we had a good thing going, I hope you get it right sometime".
After cooling off, I rethought what i had said to her. Ultimately, I did not want her to vanish from my life, but i did need to send her a message that those whom I consider my friends would not ignore my feelings the way she was - especially those people (i.e. HER) with whom I had been falling into a fairly intense love affair. I let a day go by, and I sent her a message again, asking if she would like to still be friends, but to let me know either way. Her response to me was "I need time to think about it, please do not try to contact me until I've made up my mind". And that's where things have stood ever since.
Now, I've done some thinking and consulted with one of her friends, and we've hypothesized that because she has self esteem issues, and that she's never really had any good, supportive boyfriends (and she has actually been abused), that she felt scared that for the first time in her life she might actually be truly happy, that all her dreams might have come true; and that I might have held the potential to make her this happy, and then break her heart. In essence, she pushed me away before I could have the chance to hurt her - but also before she could have the chance to fully realize what might have been with us.
At this point, I'm still upset over being treated like this (i.e. her not making time to talk to me about my feelings concerning our relationship). I am very able to seperate my romantic attatchment to her - because the affair was relatively short-lived and I have been hurt like this before, so I am somewhat cautious about these sorts of situations (i.e. when a girl falls completely head over heels for me) - but I am struggling with getting some closure to the whole situation. I have a gut feeling that I will never hear from her again - like I said, something similar happened to me a few years ago - and I don't want to have to pretend like an important time in my life did not happen. It's not always easy to ignore one's feelings, especially if they are ones of happiness (we shared a happy time), and I don't think that this is a good way to honour the happiness we gave each other. I don't expect us to be romantic together again, but I don't think it's that farfetched for us to at least talk and be civil adults about it. I don't understand why she pushed me away so violently (metaphorically speaking) - why she can't bring herself to talk to me - because I don't think I did anything whatsoever to merit this type of treatment. And I know you can't force someone to be friends with you - but considering our history, this seems extremely strange and out of place. Also, it goes without saying that this girl definitely has some issues that need to be resolved; regardless, I do (or did?) care about her and I would be lying if I didn't say that I wanted to try and help her through some of them, if she'd let me, so that she might find the happiness I think she deserves one day, be it with me or anyone else. As long as she continues like this, pushing away the happiness that comes her way and drowning herself in the same destructive situations and relationships she's known her whole life, I doubt that will happen.
So, to summarize:
- I don't know what might have prompted her to behave the way she did, although I suspect it was an extreme defense mechanism rooted in her past abuse and self esteem issues; a defense mechanism designed to minimize her losses before she might realize any gains
- I don't know how to get closure to this situation since i cannot communicate any of this to her or hear her side of the story; but i do know that i do not want to simply ignore my feelings or repress them, because I've done that in the past and it was extremely difficult
Thank you to anyone who might have read this entire post and still feels compelled to reply with some advice. It is very much appreciated, because I'm at my wits end!

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Wow, Maybe she feels embarrassed for letting so much out of the bag all at once, telling you too much too fast about her previous bf's and her mis-treatment by them? Honesty is important but your relationship moved fast. Maybe she just didn't think you were as "into her" as she was to you. She has self esteem issues so a call from you at your work telling her you needed to talk to her but you couldn't tell her what it was about. I think she might have thought this was "the call" after spilling her guts to you and then falling for you, and letting you know that. Maybe she thought you wanted to break up with her and to save herself she did it first.
"she had an idea of what i wanted to talk about, and that it was ok if I just wanted to be friends, that we had moved too fast too soon and that she was sorry"
Now she knows your probably PO'd because you have been trying to reach her and is refusing your calls. There must be some other way to make contact. You could write her a letter. I would suggest slowing down and making some ground rules if you plan on having this relationship. If your gf is having problems she may want to think about councilling, a woman's interval house has a lot to offer women with abuse issues.
Good Luck to you, I hope she let's you explain to her.
I would tend to agree that she may have decided to "beat you to the punch" so to speak, thinking that you wanted to break up with her. That would also explain why she's not able to be friends with you, at least not right now...it's too painful for her to pretend she's ok with that when she still has romantic feelings for you.
If you really want to try to fix this, I'd send her a letter or email explaining that you *weren't* planning on breaking up with her, and what exactly it was you wanted to talk about. Let her know that you'd be open to resolving things and getting back together if she is. But once you've sent it, you need to move on...if she won't talk to you, there's no way to fix this. All you can do is accept that she doesn't want to resolve things, and that alone makes her not right for you. Accepting that is how you get your closure. It does take longer that way but in this case, what choice do you have?
Sheri
hey there cl-heidi hibbit,
thanks for reading and replying, and for your kind words. the moving on part is easier than I'd like, because I've been through this sort of thing before. what I'm having difficulty with right now is the fact that she won't even talk to me, despite the wonderful time we shared and the fact that I have NO idea why she would push me away like this. I don't know of anything I've done to deserve this. Any suggestions?
As for her meeting someone else, I let her know that that was fine with me - in fact, we talked about it when we set out on this "relationship" - we allowed each other the possibility of meeting other people, unless we got serious with each other (in terms of actual, solid committment). If it's that, I don't know why she wouldn't just tell me and try and salvage a friendship. She knows I would have been ok with that, so I don't think that's the reason.
Unfortunately, as often is the case, you're going to have to make your own closure. It sounds like she's not willing (at least right now) to open up to you about what is going on in her life and what prompted the change in the relationship. And as you can only control you, sounds you aren't going to be getting a confession out of her any time soon.
It's really sad, because it does sound like you cared for her and that this was a very sudden turn, but I have to agree with you that it's probably best to respect her wishes regarding the contact. She may come back to you after a while, but may not. The easiest way to communicate with her now would be if you had some mutual friends and let it be known that you hope she is happy and that one day you can resume your friendship (platonic or otherwise). You don't have to tell them to tell her that. Just let them know that that is how you feel. And then take a deep breath and go on, chalking it up to one of life's great mysteries and what is meant to be will be.
Good luck!
Pesky.
I take relationships serious, and I think it is very important to gain closure over situations, when it involves the other person and your feelings overall.
I am going through a situation right now. I wanted to talk to him about it, I needed some things to get off of my chest. I strongly believe that when it comes to ending relationships or getting something off of your chest, you should do it in person. My ex knew good and well that I wanted to discuss the issue in person, that is how I operate. But because he was so insecure I had to settle for the phone...All of a sudden he hits me with the news, but no answers to my questions. I did talk to him over the phone, but it wasnt enough.
I say all of this to say that, I do believe that she owes it to you, to talk to you about the matter in depth, until you are satisfied. If she doesnt want to meet in person, then the phone, and like someone else suggested, a letter perhaps. If she still will not give you the closure or answers that you need, then I would pray about it. If you seek God, He will give you all the answers you need.
If she refuses to talk, just wash your hands of it, obviously she has some issues that she cannot communicate to you, due to her past or her immaturity. I wouldnt waste my time if you have done all that you can. Dont judge your future relationships based on this girl. She just isnt woman enough to deal with you and is not on your level.
Pray and be blessed!
-blessed1
Just a quick note to say thanks to anyone who has read and replied. You guys are wonderful, with all your support and advice.
For the record, I've had some time to think about all this stuff. Some days, my urge to talk to her and get it all out is very strong; other days, I almost feel like I never knew her. I've been doing really well with it all, and right now, it's more of a mystery than anything. My curiousity to know the real answers is strong, but it's not consuming me, which I guess is a good thing. Seeing as this is the second time this sort of situation has happened to me, it leads me to wonder why it's happened with two different people. I still sort of feel there is something I should try and figure out.
Yes, I will do my best to not let this affect my future relationships, but I'll tell ya something... it's getting harder and harder to believe that there are any good, decent, honest people out there - at least people who want to share a meaningful relationship with me. But that too is beyond my control. :P
You guys are great. Thanks again... :)
Hi there,
I have a (guy) friend going through almost the exact same situation as you. It's awful what's happening and my heart goes out to you.
I'm not sure why this girl pushed you away but I think it's important for you to realize that, no matter what her issues, she probably needs to be alone. As a girl who has been abused (physically as well as otherwise) by boyfriends in the past I can tell you that I had to be ok with myself before I could be with anyone else.
I also think that everything that she did had absolutely nothing to do with you. Whether you could hurt her and all that stuff is not really the issue. She felt she needed to get out, so she did, without regard to you or what you would go through. I really respect your decision to respect her wishes. It's difficult, my friend still struggles with it too. Ironically, the girl is the same age as the girl you described and we're a bit younger than her, as well.
While it may hurt, you just have to learn to let her go. If she wants to be with you, she'll find a way and if she lets whatever issues she has paralyze her from being with a great guy, there's nothing you can do about it.
Try not to lose faith in people. Trust me, as the girl that's been abused (by more than one guy) and hurt by guys who were just all about the chase, I'm struggling with it myself. But, the reality is that there are good people out there - honest ones, and some of them have issues too - you just have to keep the faith. Try not to let the negative experiences guide you and how you view people and the world.
You didn't do anything wrong, but just as a possibility, you may be drawn to girls you can take care of and "save." You might be the chivalrous type, which is not a bad thing at all, except that sometimes you get the girls that want to play damsel in distress, but only for a little while. That was what was going on with my guy friend and he's trying to learn that the only person that can save her is her. He could try to help and be there for her, but there was only so much he could do.
Sounds like you're doing better and I wish you luck in trying to sort this whole thing out.
OK.
Now, first of all, you seem to have doubts about her in the first place (her background, her life situation). Which, it does seem in some way you are afraid of what her future will hold. So, in that regard, if that means so much to you, perhaps you should have just let that go. Because, I agree, there are sometimes people that may not fit in with your future plans, just because she is not heading right down the path you are in life does not make her a lesser person. Realize that. I think if she really knew how you felt about her in that regard, it would probably hurt her bad.
Second, you called her and told her you needed to talk to her but would not tell her over the phone. She is then in her mode of closing herself off so she won't get hurt. Perhaps she has been told this before and it usually leads to something bad. She is probably scared to death that you're going to let her go or hurt her in some way. I can really see that being possible. Believe me, I know.
So, she may think you were using her. And even though you did not come out and say what you wanted to talk to her about, she probably assumes it is bad and is closing this relationship out in her own way.
So, what do I suggest? Well, if you do want to be with her, and you can overlook the issues you have with her, then tell her up front what it is you want to talk about! Stop beating around the bush and asking to meet her in person. Just tell her, rather it be over the phone, a letter, an email. If you care about her and want to be with her, then show it. Give in. Let your inhibitions drop. Send her flowers with a note. If you want to be with her, then tell her that. People aren't perfect and neither are relationships.
She's been hurt. She definately has bad self-esteem. You can't really blame her, it takes time to get over that. She probably thinks you used her or you are going to ditch her.
If you care for her, let it be known. Open up your feelings and your heart! And if for some reason she still backs down, give her time. But don't ignore her. You can let your feelings be known to her and tell her you'll be there when she comes around with your decision.
I would send her flowers or something sweet and tell her you miss her. Just simply miss her and want to talk to her. You miss her, right? That may brighten her day. It may make her realize you're not going to hurt her and ditch her. Just one thing, this poor girl doesn't deserve this if the only reason you want to be with her is to sleep with her.
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