Need Closure And Answers - HELP!
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 2:43pm |
Let me start by introducing myself as a 23/M from Canada. Yes, I know, this is primarily a women's discussion board, but I thought it might be a good place to get some advice and insight into a very strange situation. *** I will try to shorten this, but in order to provide enough detail to get some decent advice, this post might end up being longer than I'd like.***
Ok, so I'm a 23 year old Male - young, with a lot going for him and much to offer. I recently became reacquainted with a girl I had met a couple of years ago. She is older than I am - 28 years old - and she has some "different life circumstances" going for her than I do (i.e. her future is not as secure or as promising as mine). However, let it be known that I looked beyond her shortcomings and tried to see the good and potential in her - of which there was a lot, or so I thought (perhaps this was one of my mistakes in this relationship).
Anyways, upon becoming reacquainted, she expressed an interest in getting to know me better and possibly pursuing a relationship. We dove right into each other - emotionally, spiritually, physically - it was quite intense and it all happened very fast, but it was all mutual. We agreed to both try and always maintain respect for each other so that if things didn't work out, we'd never be less than friends. It became clear to me that this girl was falling very hard for me - from the things she said and expressed to the things she did. She told me I was the greatest man she had ever known, after being mistreated and abused by so many bad guys and suffering through some terrible bouts of low self esteem and loneliness. We did have sex and it was wonderful, she enjoyed it as much as I did, and it was very emotional. All in all, everything was absolutely great, we were on cloud nine.
We had only been seeing each other a couple of weeks when one day, something came up that I needed to discuss with her. She wanted to know what it was I needed to talk about, but i was unable to say because i was at work and it wasn't the right time/place to get into it, so I just asked if we could talk later that day. She text messaged me on my phone that "she had an idea of what i wanted to talk about, and that it was ok if I just wanted to be friends, that we had moved too fast too soon and that she was sorry". Of course, this came as a bit of a surprise to me, since I was last left under the impression that she had never been happier in her life. I called her to ask why her feelings had changed, and she did not give me a straight answer, only that "she had done some thinking" and that she wanted to slow it down. I told her that if she wanted to see other people, or if she had feelings for someone else, or if she did not have feelings for me anymore, that that was alright, but she denied each of these. However, I remained suspiscious.
Again, since I was at work, I told her i couldn't really talk about this (or the original matter I needed to talk to her about), so I asked again if we could see each other that evening to discuss things. She made some rather poor excuses for not being able to make time to talk with me, and I was less than impressed. So I text-messaged her later that night, asking if we could talk, and again, she said it was not possible. She also added that she did not want to date, that we went too fast (and that she got "spooked"). I replied, saying that I accepted where she was coming from, but that i still needed to talk to her. Once again, she denied my request... at which point, I felt angry, betrayed, insulted, and disrespected. I replied, telling her that if she was unable to talk to me, that i wasn't sure we would be able to fulfill our original intention of remaining good friends, no matter what. She replied by saying "then I'm sorry it has to be that way, good bye", to which I replied, "I'm sorry too, you are a good girl and we had a good thing going, I hope you get it right sometime".
After cooling off, I rethought what i had said to her. Ultimately, I did not want her to vanish from my life, but i did need to send her a message that those whom I consider my friends would not ignore my feelings the way she was - especially those people (i.e. HER) with whom I had been falling into a fairly intense love affair. I let a day go by, and I sent her a message again, asking if she would like to still be friends, but to let me know either way. Her response to me was "I need time to think about it, please do not try to contact me until I've made up my mind". And that's where things have stood ever since.
Now, I've done some thinking and consulted with one of her friends, and we've hypothesized that because she has self esteem issues, and that she's never really had any good, supportive boyfriends (and she has actually been abused), that she felt scared that for the first time in her life she might actually be truly happy, that all her dreams might have come true; and that I might have held the potential to make her this happy, and then break her heart. In essence, she pushed me away before I could have the chance to hurt her - but also before she could have the chance to fully realize what might have been with us.
At this point, I'm still upset over being treated like this (i.e. her not making time to talk to me about my feelings concerning our relationship). I am very able to seperate my romantic attatchment to her - because the affair was relatively short-lived and I have been hurt like this before, so I am somewhat cautious about these sorts of situations (i.e. when a girl falls completely head over heels for me) - but I am struggling with getting some closure to the whole situation. I have a gut feeling that I will never hear from her again - like I said, something similar happened to me a few years ago - and I don't want to have to pretend like an important time in my life did not happen. It's not always easy to ignore one's feelings, especially if they are ones of happiness (we shared a happy time), and I don't think that this is a good way to honour the happiness we gave each other. I don't expect us to be romantic together again, but I don't think it's that farfetched for us to at least talk and be civil adults about it. I don't understand why she pushed me away so violently (metaphorically speaking) - why she can't bring herself to talk to me - because I don't think I did anything whatsoever to merit this type of treatment. And I know you can't force someone to be friends with you - but considering our history, this seems extremely strange and out of place. Also, it goes without saying that this girl definitely has some issues that need to be resolved; regardless, I do (or did?) care about her and I would be lying if I didn't say that I wanted to try and help her through some of them, if she'd let me, so that she might find the happiness I think she deserves one day, be it with me or anyone else. As long as she continues like this, pushing away the happiness that comes her way and drowning herself in the same destructive situations and relationships she's known her whole life, I doubt that will happen.
So, to summarize:
- I don't know what might have prompted her to behave the way she did, although I suspect it was an extreme defense mechanism rooted in her past abuse and self esteem issues; a defense mechanism designed to minimize her losses before she might realize any gains
- I don't know how to get closure to this situation since i cannot communicate any of this to her or hear her side of the story; but i do know that i do not want to simply ignore my feelings or repress them, because I've done that in the past and it was extremely difficult
Thank you to anyone who might have read this entire post and still feels compelled to reply with some advice. It is very much appreciated, because I'm at my wits end!

Pages
Simply said, this girl thought you were going to dump her and break off ties with her.
She is just using a defense to you because she doesn't want to get hurt.
It's nothing personal against you, I truly believe you scared her so bad about the 'talk' you wanted to have with her, she is pushing away so she won't get hurt.
Now, do not take this personal.
You need to be up front with her.
I really feel, from my own heart, that you have a chance to talk to her again.
I also really feel that she is using this defense action because she thought you were going to push her away. That's why she said if you just want to be friends, then so be it.
But you have to let your defenses go for right now, if you want to talk to her again. You don't really need closure right now, you still have a chance to talk things with her. But like I said in the first post, you have to just let things go. Let her know your feelings. You obviously care about this girl, and I am utterly shocked it's not sexually motivated, which is unlikely for me (sorry, but it is true in a lot of cases). So, if you can't get her to talk to you on the phone, somehow, you have to let this girl know how you feel! YOu have to tell her, don't hide it. She was probably scared and hurt so bad when you said you needed to talk to her but couldn't at that moment. It probably put her in 'defense mode' and could ultimately push her away for good unless you open your heart to her and tell her how you feel. Who cares if it's on the phone? Tell her. You said you want to try and help her. Well, she has bad self esteem issues. If you want to help her, then open up to her. Like I said, send her flowers, something to let her know you miss her and are thinking of her and you didn't mean to scare her away.
At least try to do this! Try it! See if it helpe! Don't give up just yet! So many of us on here are broken from situations in our relationships that we can never ever fix or change. You at least have this chance to show her your feelings and sympathize with her. Don't be so angry with her yet.
She didn't meant to disrespect you or to hurt you. She is scared!
I don't blame her! If someone I was falling for hard called me and told me there was something they needed to discuss and wouldn't tell me what it was, I would be doing the same thing she is.
This is probably a situation where you can turn things around! Don't be so proud, think of her feelings also. People who have been emotionally abused shouldn't have their butts kissed, no. But they should also be understood to a point where you can communicate with them without having to start a war or hurt eachother.
Give her this chance. Drop your defenses as well and open up to this girl. And if it doesn't work out, you can't blame it on yourself. You'll know you tried and then you'll have your closure.
DONT GIVE UP!
Alright, I understand. I see what you're saying. But could you just send her a card or flowers or something?
It wouldn't be calling her. If you send her a simple card, just a simple one that says simply how you don't want her to go away or you do want her in your life, then you could possibly change things. Somehow!
I really am getting into this, I want you to try!
I wonder every single day, wishing that I would not have ever met my fiance. We are broken up for good. I wish maybe we had never met because I would not feel this terrible right now. But you know what? I am glad I got to spend these three years of my life with someone I truly loved, no matter how hurt I am now. I got to spend it with him in joy and in love and I miss him terribly. But I can't wish this time away. I am glad to have had it with him. Just wished it wouldn't have ended. :(
I guess I am a hopeless romantic. If there is a chance to make things happen, then I say take that chance. Even if it hurts. You're hurting right now. You're in the same boat she's in. I know if you've been hurt before, you watch your every step down the road.
You'll never know unless you try. Ok, she doesn't want you to contact her. But why doesn't she want you to? Is it because she is scared that you are going to hurt her? If you are not going to hurt her, for this one time, let her know your plans are not to break her heart!
You care about this girl!
But I can understand if you're afraid of getting hurt again. And the last time you were hurt must have been bad. Just give yourself time to think about it. I know there are times where I force myself NOT to contact my ex. I know when I do I get hurt sometimes.
But not knowing how she feels is tormenting you. So maybe you shoud find out. If you think you can do it, you don't have to call her. Don't mention to her you just want to be friends. Tell her, if you want to, that you want to be more than friends. See what she says then.
Like I said, I am a hopeless romantic....and believe me, when I say hopeless, I mean hopeless!!!!
I honestly don't think that you sending her a letter would cause her to chose to never talk to you again, if she were otherwise disposed towards doing so.
But I understand your confusion and ambivalence. For me, I'd want to know that I'd done everything I could to make clear where I stood...and let the chips fall where they may.
Sheri
Nothing's worse than desparately wanting to talk to someone and for whatever reason being unable to. IMHO, go with your gut on this and don't make the contact. She's made it clear that she does not want any explanations, etc. from you and has confessed that she's felt like things were "rushed" (or something like that), which indicates she's feeling a bit overwhelmed at least. I have a feeling that your additional attempts to contact her, however well-intentioned they might be and whatever form they might take, would merely fuel the fire, so to speak, leading her to perceive you more as a, uh, stalker than a possible friend or love interest. She clearly has communicated her wish for space and time and I think you need to leave it to her to judge who should be in her life, however hard that may be for you. You've communicated that you care and wish to remain friends, at the very least through your attempts to talk to her. She knows that. So let her process and try to move on with your life in the meantime. Find other interests to pass the time -- sports, music, knitting...
Good luck!
Pesky.
Wow, you guys are awesome. Not only do you all offer your encouragement and advice... but you are all articulating the two sides to the dilemma in my mind! Are we on the same page or what? :P Or are you guys just that good? :P
Yeah. I want to give it my best effort, but as was articulated in the previous post, it might not be a good idea, since she's made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me. And for some reason, this is still holding me back. I've obviously done something to provoke her to this extreme - I don't know what it is - and I can't even take it back if I tried. I guess that's part of what hurts.
Yeah, it seems to be that way with most break-ups I've had or know about. Where one side just feels like he/she didn't get everything off his/her chest. Unfortunately you can't get everything off your chest in this case and in some instances, when you can, you might regret it (I did in one instance). Maybe to help alleviate some of the frustration you're feeling, write out a letter to her -- get everything out -- and then put it away. When and if you and she are speaking again, pull it out and see if you still want to give it to her.
Good luck!
Pesky.
hey,
I don't know where my post went but I don't think it posted properly. But anyways... Today hasn't been an easy day. I don't know why, but it's all hitting me today, and I feel like breaking. It's hard.
I spoke on the phone with her friend Kevin. He had called me two nights ago, but my phone was off; he invited me to go to karaoke. The thing that scared me was that if Kevin was at karaoke, she was probably there too. Either way, I didn't go... but upon calling him tonight, he invited me to go out with him tonight to this other bar. Again... if he's there, chances are, she is as well... and I told him that I didn't think I would be heading out to join them, because I didn't want to face her and have her be rude to me or ignore me or anything like that. He suggested that maybe it was best that she and I be kept apart for now... I asked that he say "hi" on my behalf, and he said, "sure thing".
Anyways... I'm at a point where I don't want to be thinking about this too much longer. I am about at the point of no return, where it will be me saying goodbye to my emotions (for a change). I'm not sure what to do, but I hate feeling like this. As always, you guys have been great... so I look forward to your replies...
Thanks
Pages