Need Closure And Answers - HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Need Closure And Answers - HELP!
21
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 2:43pm

Let me start by introducing myself as a 23/M from Canada. Yes, I know, this is primarily a women's discussion board, but I thought it might be a good place to get some advice and insight into a very strange situation. *** I will try to shorten this, but in order to provide enough detail to get some decent advice, this post might end up being longer than I'd like.***

Ok, so I'm a 23 year old Male - young, with a lot going for him and much to offer. I recently became reacquainted with a girl I had met a couple of years ago. She is older than I am - 28 years old - and she has some "different life circumstances" going for her than I do (i.e. her future is not as secure or as promising as mine). However, let it be known that I looked beyond her shortcomings and tried to see the good and potential in her - of which there was a lot, or so I thought (perhaps this was one of my mistakes in this relationship).

Anyways, upon becoming reacquainted, she expressed an interest in getting to know me better and possibly pursuing a relationship. We dove right into each other - emotionally, spiritually, physically - it was quite intense and it all happened very fast, but it was all mutual. We agreed to both try and always maintain respect for each other so that if things didn't work out, we'd never be less than friends. It became clear to me that this girl was falling very hard for me - from the things she said and expressed to the things she did. She told me I was the greatest man she had ever known, after being mistreated and abused by so many bad guys and suffering through some terrible bouts of low self esteem and loneliness. We did have sex and it was wonderful, she enjoyed it as much as I did, and it was very emotional. All in all, everything was absolutely great, we were on cloud nine.

We had only been seeing each other a couple of weeks when one day, something came up that I needed to discuss with her. She wanted to know what it was I needed to talk about, but i was unable to say because i was at work and it wasn't the right time/place to get into it, so I just asked if we could talk later that day. She text messaged me on my phone that "she had an idea of what i wanted to talk about, and that it was ok if I just wanted to be friends, that we had moved too fast too soon and that she was sorry". Of course, this came as a bit of a surprise to me, since I was last left under the impression that she had never been happier in her life. I called her to ask why her feelings had changed, and she did not give me a straight answer, only that "she had done some thinking" and that she wanted to slow it down. I told her that if she wanted to see other people, or if she had feelings for someone else, or if she did not have feelings for me anymore, that that was alright, but she denied each of these. However, I remained suspiscious.

Again, since I was at work, I told her i couldn't really talk about this (or the original matter I needed to talk to her about), so I asked again if we could see each other that evening to discuss things. She made some rather poor excuses for not being able to make time to talk with me, and I was less than impressed. So I text-messaged her later that night, asking if we could talk, and again, she said it was not possible. She also added that she did not want to date, that we went too fast (and that she got "spooked"). I replied, saying that I accepted where she was coming from, but that i still needed to talk to her. Once again, she denied my request... at which point, I felt angry, betrayed, insulted, and disrespected. I replied, telling her that if she was unable to talk to me, that i wasn't sure we would be able to fulfill our original intention of remaining good friends, no matter what. She replied by saying "then I'm sorry it has to be that way, good bye", to which I replied, "I'm sorry too, you are a good girl and we had a good thing going, I hope you get it right sometime".

After cooling off, I rethought what i had said to her. Ultimately, I did not want her to vanish from my life, but i did need to send her a message that those whom I consider my friends would not ignore my feelings the way she was - especially those people (i.e. HER) with whom I had been falling into a fairly intense love affair. I let a day go by, and I sent her a message again, asking if she would like to still be friends, but to let me know either way. Her response to me was "I need time to think about it, please do not try to contact me until I've made up my mind". And that's where things have stood ever since.

Now, I've done some thinking and consulted with one of her friends, and we've hypothesized that because she has self esteem issues, and that she's never really had any good, supportive boyfriends (and she has actually been abused), that she felt scared that for the first time in her life she might actually be truly happy, that all her dreams might have come true; and that I might have held the potential to make her this happy, and then break her heart. In essence, she pushed me away before I could have the chance to hurt her - but also before she could have the chance to fully realize what might have been with us.

At this point, I'm still upset over being treated like this (i.e. her not making time to talk to me about my feelings concerning our relationship). I am very able to seperate my romantic attatchment to her - because the affair was relatively short-lived and I have been hurt like this before, so I am somewhat cautious about these sorts of situations (i.e. when a girl falls completely head over heels for me) - but I am struggling with getting some closure to the whole situation. I have a gut feeling that I will never hear from her again - like I said, something similar happened to me a few years ago - and I don't want to have to pretend like an important time in my life did not happen. It's not always easy to ignore one's feelings, especially if they are ones of happiness (we shared a happy time), and I don't think that this is a good way to honour the happiness we gave each other. I don't expect us to be romantic together again, but I don't think it's that farfetched for us to at least talk and be civil adults about it. I don't understand why she pushed me away so violently (metaphorically speaking) - why she can't bring herself to talk to me - because I don't think I did anything whatsoever to merit this type of treatment. And I know you can't force someone to be friends with you - but considering our history, this seems extremely strange and out of place. Also, it goes without saying that this girl definitely has some issues that need to be resolved; regardless, I do (or did?) care about her and I would be lying if I didn't say that I wanted to try and help her through some of them, if she'd let me, so that she might find the happiness I think she deserves one day, be it with me or anyone else. As long as she continues like this, pushing away the happiness that comes her way and drowning herself in the same destructive situations and relationships she's known her whole life, I doubt that will happen.

So, to summarize:
- I don't know what might have prompted her to behave the way she did, although I suspect it was an extreme defense mechanism rooted in her past abuse and self esteem issues; a defense mechanism designed to minimize her losses before she might realize any gains

- I don't know how to get closure to this situation since i cannot communicate any of this to her or hear her side of the story; but i do know that i do not want to simply ignore my feelings or repress them, because I've done that in the past and it was extremely difficult

Thank you to anyone who might have read this entire post and still feels compelled to reply with some advice. It is very much appreciated, because I'm at my wits end!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:50pm
Ok... So it's been about two weeks and I've not heard from her. Everything's been fine, I've gotten over the tough period I had a few days ago, and have spent a lot of time talking to some friends. I've decided to write her a letter and leave it at her apartment, and then I will be free of it all. The letter is basically to say that I'm sorry things ended up as they did, that I really want(ed) to be her friend but at this point it doesn't look like it's going to happen, so I wanted to take this opportunity to thank her for the good times and I wish her nothing but the best... and if she ever feels she can talk to me or thinks she may need to talk to me, she can come and find me... just something along those lines, nice things, just tying it all up. It's the sort of closure that I think can do the situation the most justice.

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