Need a different point of view...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Need a different point of view...
9
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 5:28pm

I need a different point of view.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 7:16pm

qngoose, your reasons for ending things are quite acceptable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 7:35pm

Thank you, that's exactly what I needed to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:56am

Your post made me a little sad in some places. I think your expectations for a LDR may have been too high. Not telling you about an 8-hour drive isn't exactly lying. He didn't believe it was a lie (and I agree with him) and instead of trying to see his perspective, you gave him the silent treatment. Probably the worst way to handle what is, in effect, a problem with communication. I can understand that you were disappointed but this was a really poor way of handling it.

Maybe things were great when you were together but you can't do a LDR, based on the expectations you have to keep communication strong and constant, and his inability to meet that need from 1000 miles away. You know what, long distance communication SUCKS. You simply can't expect things to be as good as they were. I don't think it's unreasonable to try to keep talking on a regular basis, but it will never be as good as an in-person relationship.

Instead of giving yourselves time to adjust to the new relationship, you decided he didn't see you as a "team" and broke up with him. This is your choice, but in all honesty, I think you jumped the gun on the breakup if he is otherwise a really good partner for you. But I don't know that.

You don't say anything about how long you expect to be this far apart. If your relationship had any chance of working anyway, you would eventually have to live closer again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 11:52am

I've thought constantly for the past few months that we have a chance to grow so much and learn to communicate better than many relationships ever come close to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 12:09pm
Since you broke up, how does it make sense in giving him time to think about ' us ' . Your needs aren't being met in this relationship , so you broke up, now let go. You broke means that -- broke up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 1:10pm

Your title was "Need a different point of view". I gave you one. It seems you're resolute in your decision, and that's fine, but if you just need more justification for ending it, then ask for it.

I agree with the last response that if you are convinced that you made the right decision, then just take things day by day and look ahead of you, stop looking back on what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 1:52pm

undercover:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 5:37pm
I don't think you're going to know "for sure" you've made the right decision in this, until something else comes along to prove you did. In the meantime you just have to go on faith that although the relationship had its good points, there was something about it that truly sucked so much that it seemed worth it to you at the time to break up over it, and that's all you can really go on.

To be frank, it's very possible that he might have felt that you were trying to control him long distance by needing to know his every trip home. Whether you were trying to control him or not, point is, he was acting like he wanted to be fairly free of that kind of accountability. In shorter relationships, that's fine, but after a year, accountability and inclusion are hallmarks of a deepening relationship.

It really doesn't matter if anyone else agrees with why you decided to break up, what matters is that you felt inclusion in each other's lives is important enough a quality in your relationship that you're willing to walk away from one where you're not experiencing that.

Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 5:39pm
What I would add, though, is that pouting and the silent treatment isn't really a hallmark of a relationship that was deepening. You kind of need to spell out why you're deciding to walk away.

Good luck!

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