Need encouragement and confidence

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Need encouragement and confidence
4
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:28am

Hey everyone,
I haven't been here for a while but I need you guys today. I need to get rid of my anger-hear encouraging words and find some peace.

For those of you who know me, I've been on and off this site for about a year. I was hurt by lies from my boyfriend(contact w/ his ex-fiance that I snooped and found out about), and I made myself vulnerable and let him back in my life b/c after I ended it over that, he had a realization that "I was the one" and begged me back. From that point on it has been almost a year and no ring. He moved into his new home 3 months ago and nothing-I pack my stuff and travel back and forth to see him. AND there were a few more lies in between about the ex and some other stuff that when I confronted him he said he didnt want me to freak out over something that means nothing so "he is protecting me by white lies"

so, yes i have become a compulsive snoop, thinking I may find something to help me in understanding why he is still dragging his feet so the stalling of engagement according to him is he does not think my behavior is healthy and he wont come thru with this promise he made until he feels we are ready. or maybe i wanted to find something to make me see that i was wasting my time and i would have a solid reason to walk away.

all the anger and resentment was to hard for me to carry so I freaked out and told him I couldnt take anymore, i couldnt pack my stuff and hall it over one more time, i couldnt wait around til he thought the "risk" of me was worth it to him, i tried to end it

-He told me he was worried that at this point he would be proposing to me out of guilt, anxiety that I would leave if he didnt, and other similar notions that are all the "wrong" reasons and this was normal "cold feet" for any guy getting ready to propose YET he just wont let me go-he will not let me walk away.

now for the part that really tore me up....
my sister gave birth on friday-her baby had a heart problem and was taken to a specialist hospital for surgery over the next couple of days i was by her side the ENTIRE time. boyfriend was caring at first but same night he went to an xmas party(he offered not to go but at that time there was nothing he could do) so he went out after the party and got home real late and didnt get up next morning til 11am (meanwhile a crisis is going on we dont know if baby is gonna make it party was obligation but to go out after???) i called him b/c i needed i ride back from specialist hosp. after taking sis there and wanted to update him. when he told me he was out later i got so angery--- maybe i didnt have the right but i was angry and stressed and tired no sleep and going thru a crisis. so when iwas less than pleasant when i finally spoke to him, and of times to be jerk he argued with me and said stuff like "i did nothing wrong, i did above and beyond what most would do" (since he CALLED me twice from the party night before and told me if i need anything...) he said if he had it to do over a thousand times he would NOT change what he did and he said just cause im going thru a tough time doesnt give me a right to make him suffer and feel like sh*t---his words exactly. basically he was cold, insensitive, arrogant, selfish, just a complete JERK at a time i needed support. i am so angry-

i called him later that day to get some kinda solace and we just argued some more. i hate him so much, i hate him to my deepest core. how could a person be so selfish? why did i stay with him after everything and now this.
we are not engaged he is just my bfriend. i wasted 3 years of my life on this jerk. i told him it is unequivocally OVER. i cant stand the thought of him-i wanna throw up. he told me he wasnt going to fight to keep me this time (as he has many times in the past) but he did admitt that he handled the situation wrong-and what? its too late, the crisis is over and its too late to repair the damage. so i want it over and i told him what a terrible person he is and how selfish and i dont want a man like him. he said he will never call me again and not fight for me anymore.
but it has already started the text "i love you-i miss you-are you sure you want this-will you talk to me" i dont know how or if to respond and i hate myself for feeling an ounce of good that he text me.

no doubt i cant go on with this man-but its so so so hard to break away even though i know he is soo destructive for me. after the anger subsides i know the pattern... i'll make excuses for him and blame myself for messing everything up cause I snooped thru his things (that his main reason for not knowing if we should get engaged) or b/c i make him feel so bad about himself cuz im just a big b*tch) i just need help and confidence that i can do this and this is the right thing.
thank you anyone for your advice and words, i need you guys now more than ever.

and on an awesome not the baby is now doing well, keep the little guy in your prayers:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:50am

Congratulations, you've done the RIGHT THING!! It's not going to be easy (ever notice that the RIGHT thing to do never is?!?) but you MUST see to sticking to your convictions. I suggest you print off this origional post here, and go through and print off all of the one's you've posted about what a selfish, disrespectful, lying, cheating, self centered, dishonest bastard this guy is. Read them "after the anger subsides" to help you break the pattern you know is there.

"I confronted him he said he didnt want me to freak out over something that means nothing so "he is protecting me by white lies"."

WHAT!?! If it is something that "means nothing" he would NOT be hiding it from you, he would NOT BE DOING IT in the first place!! So here he is, lying to your face to "protect" you? Oh what a sweetheart, he's lying and betraying you by continuing contact with this woman who "means nothing" all for your protection. Yep, real concern there for your feelings.

"i'll make excuses for him and blame myself for messing everything up cause I snooped thru his things"

Nope. It wasn't your snooping that messed everything up, it was the stuff HE DID that you found out about. Stuff that he'd STILL BE DOING if you didn't know about it. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught. The proof of that is in the fact that he hasn't stopped, he's just started hiding it better...oh wait, that part was for "protecting" you.

"b/c i make him feel so bad about himself cuz im just a big b*tch"

He actually says this to you? That's his excuse!? What a crock. He's got you figured out, just lay on the guilt and you lay off of him.

You have every right to expect your SO to care about you. You deserve a man who is faithful to you. You deserve a man who would never give you any reason to write any of the posts you've written about your XBF. You deserve better. Now you've finally freed yourself from this guy, stick with it. The man you deserve is out there and now you can find him. Congratulations and good for you!!! Stay strong in your decision, life's too short to waste on this guy.

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:11pm

angelica,

thanks for your response. its amazing how i read my posts and hear the reality of it but still remained in denial. i make excuses every time. seeing others perspectives, like yours, really helps me come out of this cloud. i think i have no self-respect left-but leaving him is good starting place. thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:24pm

Angilena,

Leaving him is an WONDERFUL start! As I was reading your posts, I was wondering if your ex was my ex! You hit everything on the head....including the fact that you know what to expect if you continue to stay around him!

I can't force you to face the reality of this. But I do want you to read something that was in the book "Who Moved My Cheese", which another poster recommended...

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Think about that question and kiss your ex-BF goodbye! Its gonna be hard, but you are much stronger than you think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:30pm

"i think i have no self-respect left-but leaving him is good starting place"

EXACTLY! That's exactly where self-respect and self-esteem comes from. It's not a given, handed out to some people and not to others, it's something that is earned and built and MADE. It's an excelent starting place--standing up for yourself and knowing (or faking knowing for now if you have to) that you deserve better and that better is out there.

There are some great self help books out there to help you build and gain and keep your self respect and esteem. The ever popular HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU by Greg Behrendt is fabulous for freeing you from your own cycle of making excuses for a guy and his behavior. Then there is 10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it is a ultra real look into the "why" behind what women do and put up with. Until you know the why to yourself, it's nearly impossible to break free from repeating it.

Keep at it and never settle for less than a man who'd swim through sharks to bring you a lemonade.