Need to get him out of my system!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Need to get him out of my system!!!
7
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:25pm

It's been a week since I last saw him. There are days when I do just fine and then today I just slipped back into that sadness, anger, hurt and confusion again. There has been minimal contact, he initiated by texting me every day asking how's it going at work or if I am hitting the books. He's called a couple of times and I'd been receptive but kept it brief, he mainly just checked up on me and we hung up. When he does call or text me on mornings when he's at work to make sure I am up studying for my exam coming up, he is still as enthusiastic and supportive of me as he was when we were together. Does he genuinely care about my accomplishments or he just feels bad that it's overwhelming for me right now and once I complete my study he will not be heard from again?
Last Friday he asked me what I was going to do that evening I told him I was going to the movies and he asked who I was going with and he sounded jealous. I told him I was going by myself and he asked if he could go with me b/c he wanted to see the movie too. I told him it was fine that he joined me but he ended up not going because he had to finish a project for his client by that evening. I didn't care that he didn't come but what's his deal? He still wants to hang out with me when he's the one who initiated the break up?

When I last saw him it was to end things because he said he needed time and space to work out his issues and didn't want to drag me through it.I told him if he ever needs anything to call me and that I 'd be there for him but I would not be on stand by while he's making up his mind. He was fine with it because this was all his doing, as far as I knew it was smooth sailing for us then he dropped the bomb on me. So he told me he's leaving the door open on his end and I told him mine is shut. He still thinks that he can just walk through that door again and I'd welcome him with open arms but I don't think so. Why did he have to say all this? Is it because he want to keep the friendship? Or he honestly is working on changing his life for the better and rebuild our relationship (I am not holding my breath for this one)?
We ended the relationship in very weird way, we cried and hugged as I was leaving and he kept saying "Don't give up on me. All this I am doing is not in vain and I'll make sure you see it." I know I can't hang on to his every word but it's so hard to move on b/c I've never loved anyone the way I love him. He got the best of me and I don't know how to get rid of it. I find myself reminiscing about the good times, the sweet memories, the way I felt when he touched/kissed me, the way he held me, etc....I've been able to stop myself from crying but this sick feeling I have is so much worse. Of course I think about all the bad things that happened too but the good outweighed the bad and I just can't bring myself to make peace with the fact that I don't have him anymore. I have more important things to worry about right now and it's just driving me crazy to feel this way.
My head is telling me that we can't be together because it just won't work but my heart won't let go. How do I deal with it now? I keep feeling sick, don't have much of an appetite, can't sleep, can't focus on studying? What to do? I just feel so hopeless even though I know it will pass it's just now I feel like I am going over the edge any minute. I've been going to church to have some positivity in my life and I pray everyday that God give me the strength to make it through this dark time in my life but it's been so tough. One day I feel like I am going strong and the next I feel like I am falling apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 11:01pm

IMHO, his calls and texts aren't about how you feel, BUT about how he feels. He wants to know if you're over him already OR if you're crying your eyes out and falling apart. His door is open like you said and he's making sure that yous it too. His jealousy when you told him you were going out is an example of his behavior. He should be taking care of his business and letting you take care of yours. As long as you keep receiving his calls and texts and even if those are short, he'll be in and out of your life and with the control on his side.

If you want to move actively and get over him you have to cut all contact and work on your issues. You'll have the control to let him in when you're ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:36pm

Unlike lightandbright, I don't see some dark nefarious reasons for why he's trying to be nice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 2:16pm
I am going through the same thing. I'm probably much older than you but have just survived the second round of breaking up with my first boyfriend. I married young, my husband died five years ago and I started dating soon after. I just ended (or he ended by neglect)a two year very passionate, difficult love affair. I was/am so physically attracted to this man, and to the attention he gave me (when he could give it) that I am suffering so. There was more bad treatment than good and I know deep down he can't change but I am terrified of even bumping into him on the street. I am reading books about breaking up, going to therapy and spending time with good friends. I have started dating again and just cry when I get home. It's not that the guys I meet are not good guys, it's just that they are not HIM. So I can relate to the crying, praying and feeling of it all being so unfair. I am sorry that you have to endure this. I have lost my appetite and alot of weight. The last time he saw me he said I was too thin...well, thanks alot buddy!
Anyway, I hope you manage to have a restful and fun summer despite this loss in your life. RJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 2:38pm
You just wrote what I am going through also. We were together for 6 years and now all of a sudden he's not sure if he's in love with me then it changed to he's not sure if he can commit to me in marriage and its not fair to me. He needs space to think about what he wants and figure things out. This is so hard for me b/c I lived there w/him and now had to move out also! I feel hurt, betrayed, mad, sad, guilty (no clue why). I was always the perfect girlfriend and maybe I gave a little too much. I know how you feel one day crying all day, the next ok, the next crying all day. Its so hard to be strong and move on. I cant get it into my head that we are apart, and will keep calling just to soothe myself to know he is there. It feels like someone died and I cannot come to terms with us being over. Its not fair for us to wait but in our hearts we want our men to come up with "I love you and want to be w/you forever." Who knows, maybe it might happen but we cant stick around through all of that. Let them figure things out, and let us decide if we want to be there. Maybe we need some space too! I hope you feel better soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:19pm

I too, just ended a LTR with a man that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Moving on is hard. I'm not easily attracted to many men and he was the one that really turned my head. Now, I must face the reality that no matter how much I loved him and wanted to be with him forever, he just didn't feel the same about me and that makes me feel horrible!

The only advice I can give to you is to move on and have no contact with him. Find things to do that will occupy your time. Put yourself in situations to meet new people. Let your couple friends introduce you to new (single) people. Find someone that values your efforts more.

I know I have to do that myself. My ex was emotionally unavailable to me often and I just gave, gave, gave. I tried so hard to be a great girlfriend (and he told me I was). But apparently it wasn't enough to make him commit to me so he ended up breaking up with me. I just have faith that there is something better out there for me. Just now I feel lost because he was my best friend.

You will survive! There are many survivors out there! Hang on!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 2:42am
I am going thru the same thing u r now. My best advice for you is jus leave him alone dun txt him or call him and if he calls you jus talk to him like everything is fine even though it you kno it aint. He likes you feeling that way but you should stop that cycle. if he txts you txt him back after a couple of days. If you want him back he will come bavk to you and he'll miss yu more n worry bout yu more but if yu wana move on jus ignore him dun txt him bak dun call him bak he likes knowing that u r available to him anytime you should make him think that your not sulking around for him and that you got a life. let me kno how it goes gurl coz am going through the same thing as you and so far so good so good luck to ya.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:30am

I know exactly what you are feeling, my boyfriend of 2 years and I just broke up 2 days ago. He is the love of my life and my soul mate and we both know it. He's had a terrible time with business, went from being extremely successful to losing it all, and within the first 6 months of knowing him his attempts to rebuild fell apart... for the last year or so, his life has been crazy and chaotic, stressful, one thing after another crashing down... I have had my own career disappointments lately and for me to move forward I have to move... and he has to be working in another city for the next several months... We've been destroying each other, making each other feel guilty, distancing ourselves and then looking for a connection, for months... Day to day, we did everything for each other and I practically lived at his house. His family welcomed me with open arms and were really the only family I've known in my adult life.

I also have a 3 year old daughter who completely adores him and he adores her.

We broke up because we've been fighting like crazy for a long time and it has finally just come to a point where we can't do it anymore. We planned a future. We've stood by each other through a LOT, we just don't have our own lives in order enough to be what the other needs.

I am devastated. I can't eat, sleep, talk about anything else, focus on work, or do anything but let it eat me up inside that this is really the end. Just three days ago we were talking about me moving into his house and we were going to redecorate my daughter's room while she's on vacation with her father... how can I just give all of that up?

He says it's time for me to find my dream job... my career success really depends on the city I'm living in, and I'm in a small place... in order for me to move up, I have to move away... It has been the source of stress in our relationship because he doesn't want to move with me, and I could never ask him to, but he didn't want to hold me back... It's just so complicated.

We are still talking. I want to hope that someday our paths will cross again and we'll figure our own lives out and it will work, but I know that is not reality. I just want to hold him and have him hold me forever... we just love each other so much it isn't fair that all of these circumstances worked against us...

I am sure this didn't help at all, but I just had to get it out when I read that post because it is exactly how I feel.