in need of help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
in need of help
4
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 6:59am

Im 21 years old and been with my boyfriend for 6 years and living together for around 3 years.

If im honest i think i fell out of love with him years ago, im not even sure anymore if i really ever loved him.

He does nothing at all to help me round the house (and i mean nothing) if im in the house he wont even make him self a drink he will just nag me until i do it. Its not that hes lazy he just knows if he keeps on ill give in because ive always let him get away with it (which i know is my own fault)he always jokes that he shouldnt have to do anything because its my job (even though i work full time, just like him). He shows no sign of affection, never tells me he loves me unless he wants something, makes no effort with my family, i could probably count on one hand the amount of times hes met either of my parents. I will admit that hes met mine more than ive met his but that is because he doesnt ask me too. Ive even begged him and told him it is very importnant, but his attitude is i dont want to do it, so why should i do something i dont want too. He wont talk about marriage or kids, and i know we are young and i wouldnt want to get married now or anything but i just wanted to know that its on the cards for the future. I think after being with someone for 6 years its not much to ask where your future is headed.

He just has no respect for me, then but can i really blame him because for the last 6 years ive let him walk all over me.

I know after reading back over this that this relationship died along time ago but i still cant seem to pluck up the courage to leave because although i dont love him any more, he is the closest person to me and id miss him very much.

I suppose that this is just normal for people who have been together along time but ive never been through anything like this before and im finding it really hard.

Your thoughts on this would be gratefully appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 11:17am
First of all, I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you do. But... I was in that same situation a few years ago. And I got out. I know its hard, but you're still so young and got so many years in front of you. You need to be a big girl and break it off. He's not worth your time. Get out and have some fun with friends, find a hobby or just let loose and let go of him. He's dragging you down and you deserve better than that. I know you will miss him, only because you've been with him for so long. But its time for you to grow and stretch out on your own. You dont' need him, he needs you. And I know that's what everyone needs, to be needed. But not like that. He should need you for love, want you for love and everything else that relationships have to offer. Not a girl who he can get things from just by nagging. It's time to step up and walk out. You can do this. I'm 25 now, with my ex's baby. And you know what, its the best thing that has ever happened to me. I left him, I took care of myself, my baby and our needs. And that's all that matters. You only have yourself to think about, which is great! Not that having a child is horrible, its definitely been a blessing for me. And in your case, you're lucky that you only have you to think about. It's less stressful and frankly, I'd get out more if I were you! It will help you cope and forget. And trust me, at your age you can probably get any guy you want. U just need a little push. So I'm nudging... (hint hint)... You'll do great. You'll see. In no time, he'll be that one guy that you will always know "not" what to look for in a guy. And that's all he should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 1:53pm

Welcome to the board gal_inneedofhelp,


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 12:48am

I'm going to throw a curveball at you from what the other posters have said. Although they gave great input and some good experience, walking away ins't the answer for everyone. Maybe it's not your answer.

I'm a big proponent of "if you haven't tried fixing your problems in your current relationship, you're just going to drag them with you to the next one."

If you can't figure out how to get someone to respect you or to do their share around the house now, how do you expect to get anyone to do that? True, he may just be a butthead, but you're not even sure how this all happened, what's to stop it from happening again with someone new?

It's a mistake to think that this kind of thing "just happens" because youv'e been together for six years. What does that say for your next relationship? That it'll only be good for six years? What's going on is that you got into this so young, that you haven't figured out how it's supposed to work yet. To be honest, I doubt anyone on this board (myself included) have it figured out yet ;)

Read this:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhtmarpub&msg=78.7

Even though you aren't' married, by default you act as though you are by living together. Read Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw and do it quick, it'll help you see where this all fell apart and maybe even how to put it back together. By the same token, it can help you pinpoint whether you're better off getting out.

If you do get out, don't date for a long while. Two reasons: 1. still too fresh and any new guy stands zero chance of making any kind of positive impact in your life yet, and 2. you need to figure out how this all broke and how to prevent something like that from ever happening again in a relationship of yours, otherwise, you *are* doomed to repeat it.

P.S. Love doesn't just die, we always kill it either through abuse or negligence. Remember not to let that happen again. You deserve the very best love you can CREATE.

Best to you and lots of hugs,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


CL-Understanding Men

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 2:37pm

gal_inneedofhelp...

Pianoguy suggests you ask yourself one question:

"Can I survive without him...or is he my security blanket?"

Face it...you've known him for 6 years During that time, you've grown up and noticed that he has changed from the man you originally met and fell in love with.

But "letting go" requires bravery and a game plan!

It doesn't sound to me like you're truly sincere about either!

Pianoguy