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| Fri, 12-31-2004 - 4:54pm |
Hi everyone. I am new to this site and although I know this is mainly for women I have some serious questions that I thought only women could help me understand.
I had been with Vanessa for just over 6 years and on Monday she finally called it off. We had been through some tough times but we were always there for each other. When we 1st got together she had panic attacks and has had them our whole relationship causing her to not work much and not be able to go many places. I didn't care most of the time but it did get frustrating once in a while. We got engaged after a year and I kept putting the marriage off because I was scared to marry someone who couldn't do much for herself when I knew how smart she was and what she was capable of(I of course regret not getting married now which I told her). During the next few years evrything was fine until I went to Vegas for a bachelor party. She got pissed and forbid me to go. She knew she had nothing to worry about because I have never been that type of guy. She spent the weekend making out with some other guy as retaliation. I got over this quickly because I could tell she was sorry. We are both in college this whole time too. When I got activated and ent over sea she cheated on me 2 times with 2 different guys and when I got back and found out she said she was sorry but it was different this time. It didn't feel as though she meant it like before. We ended up moving in together up by where her parents live and I took care of her for the next year still because she didn't work. Everything felt different because she wasn't making much of a difference but then neither was I. We moved apart in Sept. so I could go to the police academy and while I was there she started pulling away saying she needed a break. We still talked on occasion but while this went on I realized even more of how much I loved her. I tried to tell her that none of the stuff in the past matters and that I want to get married and try and do things that made everyone jealous of our relationship in the beginning. She finally cut it off on Monday saying she didn't have that "it" feeling for me and wanted to start dating again. She has blamed her panic attacks on me and doesn't want me calling her for awhile. I still love her more than anything in the world and everyone who knows us including some of her closest friend and her parents and sibilings thinks she is crazy because I have always been there for her and stuck by her side when most guys would have jet. Does somebody know what might be going through her mind. I would like to give her some space so she can figure things out on her own but it is very hard to do. She is still in college,living at home with her parents, and jobless and she thinks she doesn't need me anymore. Please help.
I had been with Vanessa for just over 6 years and on Monday she finally called it off. We had been through some tough times but we were always there for each other. When we 1st got together she had panic attacks and has had them our whole relationship causing her to not work much and not be able to go many places. I didn't care most of the time but it did get frustrating once in a while. We got engaged after a year and I kept putting the marriage off because I was scared to marry someone who couldn't do much for herself when I knew how smart she was and what she was capable of(I of course regret not getting married now which I told her). During the next few years evrything was fine until I went to Vegas for a bachelor party. She got pissed and forbid me to go. She knew she had nothing to worry about because I have never been that type of guy. She spent the weekend making out with some other guy as retaliation. I got over this quickly because I could tell she was sorry. We are both in college this whole time too. When I got activated and ent over sea she cheated on me 2 times with 2 different guys and when I got back and found out she said she was sorry but it was different this time. It didn't feel as though she meant it like before. We ended up moving in together up by where her parents live and I took care of her for the next year still because she didn't work. Everything felt different because she wasn't making much of a difference but then neither was I. We moved apart in Sept. so I could go to the police academy and while I was there she started pulling away saying she needed a break. We still talked on occasion but while this went on I realized even more of how much I loved her. I tried to tell her that none of the stuff in the past matters and that I want to get married and try and do things that made everyone jealous of our relationship in the beginning. She finally cut it off on Monday saying she didn't have that "it" feeling for me and wanted to start dating again. She has blamed her panic attacks on me and doesn't want me calling her for awhile. I still love her more than anything in the world and everyone who knows us including some of her closest friend and her parents and sibilings thinks she is crazy because I have always been there for her and stuck by her side when most guys would have jet. Does somebody know what might be going through her mind. I would like to give her some space so she can figure things out on her own but it is very hard to do. She is still in college,living at home with her parents, and jobless and she thinks she doesn't need me anymore. Please help.

Jim,
This sight is not mainly for women, though most of the responders are. I believe that society allows us to vent and ask for advice publicly. You are welcome to join us, regardless of your sex, if it eases your pain. If you gain insight from all that you read here, so much the better.
The Holidays is a "bad" time to break up with anyone, but there is never a "good" time to be dumped either. After six years of trials and tribulations (the panic attacks, fear of marriage, the deployment, the cheating), I'm sure that you still have feelings for Vanessa. Judging from your message, it seems that you were "into her", more so now that she's gone. I am concerned as to whether she was "into you". The input her friends and family give will not change her decision to move on. It is not a question of if she needs you or not because she does not want you.
Panic attacks are a scary thing, but treatment is available for those that want it. For her own sake, if not for yours, she should have tried to get help. The way she blames the disorder on you may be another way of her not dealing with it, if only temporarily. You are not the cause, but she doesn't see it that way.
She may have allowed you to take care of her, but I doubt she appreciated it. As a matter of fact, she probably came to resent it. You always being there for her couldn't alter the fact that Vanessa didn't want to reciprocate. And as long as she had a "problem", she didn't have to.
If she really cared about you, though, she would not have cheated on you. She may have been sorry the first time (it wasn't retaliation, it was spite) The second time, however, the deed outweighed the apology. Vanessa had to have known how you would feel and did it (twice!) anyway. Major sign that she has no regards for you!!!
What's going through her mind? Who knows? I don't think it is you, though. She has moved on and is trying to find someone else who won't make her work or make her feel guilty. Give her all the space she needs to figure things out, but I don't think you will get the answer you want. She has told you that she doesn't want contact with you. Respect her demands and you will help yourself in the process.
So sorry for you,
Mimiche