need help!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
need help!!!!!
4
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:39pm
It's been a little more than 2 weeks since my break up. I am so emotional. One day I'm ok, and the next I'm a mess. My problem is that I can't stop texting/calling him. I'll go a few days without talking to him, and then the day that I'm a mess, I text him and call him. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but at that moment I feel so alone, scared, confused, frustrated, and sad, and I feel like he can comfort me. He never texts back and he never answers the phone or calls back. I hate that he won't talk to me. I feel like he hates me, and I didn't do anything to him. I know excessive calling and texting just pushes him away more, but I can't seem to get that under control. I get so mad at myself after I do it and I text/call back and apologize to him for doing it. I know he needs his space, and it's probably better that he won't talk to me. It just makes me feel like nothing, and like he doesn't care about me. Like he's moving on with his life so easily, while I'm miserable. It's not fair. I don't want this, but he does. I'm so mad at myself for loving him. I want to fall out of love with him right now.

Even though we only dated for 6 months, I fell so hard for him. I've never felt like this for anyone in my life. I dated a guy for 6 years, and I didn't feel like this. I'm desperate for any advice on how to recover from this. My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do. Help!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alone15
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:14pm
What works for me when I'm engaging in behavior I know isn't good for me is to make a pact with a friend or my counselor that I won't do the behavior for X days (in your case, you might need to start with X hours and that's ok ;-)). We shake on it, and every time I'm tempted, I'll say to myself, "no, I promised Kim I wouldn't call until at least Thursday" . Then on Thursday, I renew the pact for another X days. And so on, and so on, until I have broken the habit.

Once you get over the first couple of days, you start to break the habit and it will become easier.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: alone15
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:58pm
Welcome to the board!! I know it's frustrating going through a break-up and trying not to contact your ex....but in that moment of weakness you just can't resist sometimes. I would try and keep yourself occupied....preferbaly away from phones....take up a new hobby or start running. I don't think your ex hates you and I'm sure this isn't exactly easy for him either but...as you said your calling and texting him is only pushing him away further.....and you come off as desperate.....which makes him not want to return your calls and texts. In time this hurt will fade and we're here to help as best we can!! Good luck!!













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
In reply to: alone15
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 12:07am
I was doing the exact same thing. And in response he was less and less eager to talk to me. I looked completely desperate and it made me feel pathetic. My advice to you is start a journal. I have a journal on my computer in Microsoft Word. I use it every single day since the break up. I agree you should definitely set a goal. You should also comtemplate the fact that it's more likely habit than anything else. I was use to waking up and calling him and calling him to say goodnight. So it would set me off alot. Now I distract myself with either going out at night, watching a movie with my mom or watching a favourite show. Believe me I know how hard it is and I'm struggling with it to this day. But you have to take some control back. Hope I've helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: alone15
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:02am
I understand the impulse, but you really must stop doing this. It's not uncontrollable, you're an adult and you can (and must) get it under control. This may help. What you're doing is not just annoying, or "pushing him away." It's actually kind of scary, and sort of a violation of his rights (I'm a lawyer, and I used to deal with relationships gone bad at the domestic violence unit of legal aid, helping people get restraining orders against former partners turned harassers). I also have a stalker, a guy who's been lurking around for *years,* who still periodically drunk-dials or sends me emails (sometimes sexual, sometimes threatening, sometimes "hey, what's up?" I never respond).

Now, I know you'll say you're not a stalker, but, honey, you are. You are foisting unwanted and upsetting contact on someone. You are, in fact, harassing him. Now, you think that the nature of the intimate relationship you had gives you an unlimited right to just let it all out, to just spray your emotional excess and turmoil all over him. It doesn't. Stop thinking of it in terms of your need. Stop thinking about it, even, in terms of how much it might embarass you or "annoy" him. Start thinking about it from a cold, third-party perspective. If you had dumped a man, and he'd behaved this way, many on this board would be advising you to talk to the police. Think of how emotionally upsetting and, frankly, scary it would be to receive multiple unwanted calls/emails/text messages/personal visits at a time after you'd broken up with a guy. After you'd tried to be nice, and to respect his feelings, but just couldn't be with him anymore. Think of the rollercoaster you'd be going through, the guilt, the anxiety, the pressure of the unwelcome contact, of having to relive the turmoil, of having to deal with someone else's pain as well as your own. Think of the fears you'd be having that he'd just show up at your house or at work, that maybe he'd threaten you, that he'd make a scene, that he'd disrupt the new life you were trying to get on with. I know that you're hurt, but this kind of behavior really crosses a line. You do not have a right to be the "psycho ex girlfriend," and of course you don't want him to think of you that way.

I know that sounds incredibly harsh, but one day after my first breakup with Mr. Wonderful (we just did our second breakup this year), I made a real connection between my stalker and me. What my stalker was doing to me was just the same as what I was doing to my ex (well, a matter of degree), by continuing to call, to want to talk about working it out, by sending him emails or cards or (heaven forbid) gifts, after he'd told me no and that he didn't want those things. Plus, of course, you're really compromising your dignity here. And you're regressing to childhood, to throwing a tantrum when you don't get what you want, rather than behaving like an adult. It's okay to cry, to scream, to be frustrated, to obsess. It's okay to post here, to wonder what he's doing, to annoy your friends endlessly about it. But it's not okay to keep contacting him like this. Try the book Don't Call That Man, I've heard it helps some people. Then just start exercising some restraint. After about a week, the impulse will be dramatically less, trust me.