in need of help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
in need of help and advice
4
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:16pm

Ok ladies need help big time on this one.... so please help I am struggling like crazy.

It all started 2 years ago, I met this who I thought was Mr. Wonderful. We fell in love like crazy. We had a blast together. Shared a lot of the same interests. He moved in with me. After living together for a couple of months I realized that he was looking at porn on my computer and taking care of business when I was in bed. Its not like he never got we it on. We were like rabbits. So this came to a complete shock to me. I got upset but then let it go. Then for my birthday he went and hung out with his friends and never even bothered to call and finally a week later did something little for my birthday. And yes he was living with me. Not even a card. I am very easy going person so I told him that it bothered me and let it go. Then come February he started taking these pills to gain weight for weight lighting and had major mood swings and this pushed us into our first big fights. One afternoon his dad showed up and moved him out. He did even have enough balls to tell me he was leaving. So I held my ground and didn't' t call. Then about a week later his father called me in the middle of the night telling me that he was in a bad accident and that they were on the way to the hospital. So needless to say I ran to his side. I stayed with at the hospital that night even thou I was getting the cold shoulder from him. Then a couple of days went by and I called and checked on him and guess what wouldn't answer phone or return calls. Then when I gave up emotional he called. We talked for hours. He was so sorry for the way he treated...blah blah i am sure most of you know the story. But absolutely crushed me emotionally. I said that I wasn't ready to get back in a relationship right away so we talked casually and hung out here and there. And then I left him back in my life. He moved back in and everything was great. After being hurt so bad I didn't feel like i could trust him. But I figured that it was going to take time. Then about a month ago he started acting like he was drifting away again, how i noticed was, he would always send me numerous emails telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. then the started to dwindle big time. I wouldn't get on unless I emailed him. Sex started slowing down etc. I was confused and confronted him about it. He really had nothing to say. He wasn't good at talking. If something bothered him he would let it go and then if still bothered him he would exploded. Well the last two weeks after the talk I tried so hard to be extra sweet and sexual. But he wanted nothing to do with it. Sex stopped, he said that we could but it seemed like I was bothering him. But he still told me that he loved me. I asked him to do little things like call me if he wasn't going to be home for dinner do you think he called. For example; he left at 4 in the morning to go hunting at his parents which is only 20 mins away from where we lived. I asked him to call, no call so at 4 i called to see what to do about dinner no answer. 3 hours later he called and asked what he wanted to do for dinner and he said he already ate turkey and stuffing dinner. thanks for the lack of respect. he said i don't understand why you can't eat by yourself. This kind of lack of respect happened a lot. So on Sunday when he flipped out on me, i told him to get out. before he left we cried together for 2 and half hours saying how much we loved each other and that we were going to miss each other so much and that we were so sorry....yadyadyad. Its been all week since we talked. today i got a message from him that said he was sorry and that he need to learn to talk better when things bother him. so i asked if he wanted to talk and he said about what.grrrrr I am a mess. He is a lot less mature then myself which I think has to do a lot with his communication problems. But the thing is how am i supposed to know if something is bothering you if you don't tell me. I just want to make him happy. I think I try to hard. We have our differences but everyone does.

My parents and friends did not care for the guy. He didn't even get a card for me this year either for my birthday. He is two years younger then me i am 25. I know I stressing out, but I love him so much, or I should say that we love each other so much. What am I supposed to do. Sorry for all the rambling. Granted that there was a lot of other things that happened that he did that hurt my feelings but I am trying to hit the bigger stuff. It just seems that the reason we split was so dumb and that we shouldn't of left. How do I get him to understand that if something bothers him to let me know? I think all the things he didn't talk about made him nuts and want to leave. He thinks that if we tell each other what bothers us that we are asking the other person to change and thats not the case at all. HELP. This probably makes no sense. He runs from his problems and doesn't try to work them out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:22pm

What you want him to do for you comes with maturity and he's not there yet.

Sorry you have to go through this. You need to focus on you and what you want and move away from (emotionally) people and things that aren't healthy for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:47am
Thanks for listening. I know that he is not ready for it and is not mature enough. I think that’s what the hard part is. Is that in my mind they are such little things that could be fixed. But to him it’s a pain. Sometimes I think that it would have been easier if he would of cheated on me or there would have been something major to make the break more concrete. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:47pm

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this, does it help to tell you you're not the first?

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 5:03pm
Thanks so much for the support. I am going to go get the book tomorrow. I have read about a million of these relationship books you would think that I would soon be an expert. But one more won't hurt. My heart is just getting that horrible burning feeling and its just plain exhausting. I know I should know that I should probably just move on, but when you have that gut feeling that things will work out its hard to row on when that anchor is dragging in the water. Thanks again Sandra you give a lot of wonderful advice on this site and I am sure that you pulled thousands of women threw this difficult time.