Need help consoling my friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Need help consoling my friend
4
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:50am

Hello everyone, thank you for reading this. I need some advice on how to be a good friend right now. My best friend, C, was dumped by her boyfriend this past January. She is still incredibly upset about it.

He dumped her because she was not really very loving towards him, she was cranky and bitchy and belittled him a lot. She says she loved/loves him, and she is certainly acting like its the end of the world that he dumped her, but while she was with him, she was kind of nasty towards him sometimes.

They kept sleeping together until June, and then they both went home for the summer. (They are both at university in England, his native country, she's from the US). He didn't contact her at all throughout the summer, which she was very broken up about. Then when they went back to school they saw each other a bit, and she kept saying how he acted "as if he loved her". I don't understand what that means, as he was not asking to get back together, wasn't even really being all that nice to her. They see each other quite a bit b/c they are in the same program at school. I think that might be the hardest part for her - they never tried to have no contact with each other except over the summer. And even then, she emailed him and called him - he did not respond.

Anyway, he just called her a few nights ago to tell her that he has a new girlfriend. She is really, really upset by this. I feel as though he moved on, and she should be trying to do that, as well. They weren't together for very long, not even a year.

Her last boyfriend cheated on her, and she wasn't able to move on from that for a long, long time. She talked about it constantly until everyone (all our friends, and aquaintences, too!) was sick of hearing it. She thinks that it's perfectly normal for her to be extremely upset now, even though he has not acted loving towards her in a long time. He dumped her, slept with her after he dumped her, didn't contact her at all over the summer, has not been trying to be friends with her since seeing her again, and now has a new girlfriend. And I feel like she hasn't moved on from the place she was in last January.

What can I say to her to let her know that it's probably more healthy for her to at least TRY to move on, and not waste so much time crying over something that ended a while ago, and is not going to start up again? Or am I just being awful and I should just be supportive and shut the heck up?

I feel really badly, but I don't look forward to chatting with her on the phone b/c even if she doesn't talk about it (which she probably will), I know that's still what she's thinking about. She tells me how she still cries during the day about it all. This doesn't seem healthy or normal to me.

I KNOW breaking up is hard to do, but what can I (nicely) say to my friend to help her out??

Thanks so much for reading this, and please give me your honest advice. (I won't be offended if you tell me off!)

 

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Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:33pm

VERY tough situation you are in - I have been on both ends of that spectrum! When I was in her shoes - it took me hitting "rock bottom" before I realized I needed help beyond what any of my friends or family could do - I needed to get into therapy and figure out what was wrong with me, why I couldn't let go, why I allowed someone to use me, all that stuff. I learned A LOT about myself during that time and I am honestly and truly a completely different person!!!!! It took me losing a lot of my friends and my family being sick and tired of seeing me so down and whiney and sad all the time before I realized I needed help!

I am sure your friend has a lot of childhood issues that need to be dealt with - I know I did - and I would almost bet I could name them for you - but I won't.

You may wish to suggest counseling for her. The way I look at it (and have told a friend of mine in your friends shoes) is that counseling is not a bad thing at all. People spend all this money on gym memberships to make the outside look good - but isn't what is on the inside that is most important? If you are ugly and unattractive on the inside and not happy with life or yourself at all, how can you expect others to feel good towards you? I have went so far with my friend to get a list of counselors that offer a sliding scale and gave her the list. She went maybe 2 times - but at least she went!

Another thing you may want to do is buy her a journal so she can journal out her feelings when she is so distraught! It is SUCH a good tool for her! She can write out how she is feeling and then she can also see her progress as time goes on!

Another suggestion (which you can put with the journal) is find some self-help books. She may be more inclined to read those instead of seeing a counselor. Anything can help! She may be a tad offended, but tell her you love her and want the best for her. It is almost like she has love addiction (which I personally know about and usually can spot it in someone a mile away) so if you can find info on that (http://www.slaafws.org/ has great info!) and maybe a book on it, it will help A LOT! I tend to want to keep her away from commitmentphobia books because I think this is a tad different than that, so anything you can find on love addiction (I just gave my friend "addicted to love") would probably really be beneficial to her.

I would also really push the idea of counseling for her! I am almost certain that there are things in her past she NEEDS to deal with in order to move on with her life and in order to prevent this from happening again!

You are a good friend to want to help her! I hope she'll realize that and really listen to what you have to say!

BEST OF LUCK!

Let me know how it goes!!!!

Denise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:40pm
It is not being a bad friend to say, i love you, i'm here for you but does every conversation we have, have to be about him! Having recently broken up with someone i bored every1 to death talking about him. Analysing every minute of the time we were together. Finally my best mate said "do you realise you have been talking about your ex consecutively everyday for three weeks!" At first i was like thanks alot, nice to know you care! But that is what made me realise i did need to move on as my ex had. my friends said "we are all here for you, if you ever do feel really down about it. But you are a lovely girl and in time you might meet somone that you love more than you could have ever loved him, and you deserve to be happy. Until then we will help you but you have to at least try and get on with your life." Sometimes u have to be cruel to be kind and most of the time its what works the best.

It does seem an unusually long time to be hung up on someone, it may not even be about losing him and more the fact that the men she loves or thinks she loves keep leaving her for other girls. She may be afraid its going to keep on happening and she's going to end up alone. or keep getting hurt. All u can do is keep reassuring her and hopefully she will realise that everyone kisses a few frogs before they find their prince. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 5:19pm

Thank you so, so much for all this information in both replies. I don't want to be frustrated with her, and I hate seeing her unhappy for so long. I will look into that website, and I think I am going to try to gently suggest that she see someone who can help her out.

Thanks a lot!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:58pm
Good for u. she is lucky to have a friend like u. hope everything works out for you both.