Need Help With A Huge Problem
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Need Help With A Huge Problem
| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:57pm |
Hi,
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, pretty much my first serious relationship. My bf is 31, quite a big age difference.
Well, since day one he has been very controlling. He wouldn't even let me go to the store alone and till this day he acusses me of cheating and insists I get like 10 phone numbers when I go out. I have no life to begin with because I can barely go and see my own mother without an explation and a time of when I will be back.
I started to see a crazy side to him not too long into the relationship, however I guess being so young I didn't know any better.
He has done and said some mean things in the past like kill my dog, and hit me by mistake so he said. Yeah, pretty messed up, I know.
Well, he also has two kids from a previous relationship and he never sees them and is behind on child support a few grand.
He lives with his mother and we live in the attic bedroom, just a room and a bathroom.
He has been promising to move to an apartment, but refuses to pay rent to anyone because he has a house. Well, that's fine for him, he is home. I need a place to call my own.
He has had a hard time understanding this. We were supposed to get married with money my grandfather gave me and he spent it on his mortgage because he took out a mortgage on his mothers house.
Anyway, I feel like I have wasted 7 years, I still want to go back to school and I don't think I will be able to do it unless I leave him and go live with my mom.
She is willing to help me out and let me live with her so I can go to school.
So part of me knows what I have to do but I just can't go through with breaking his heart.
I know he will be devestated and he cries to me all the time because he has a feeling I am going to leave (I have been taking things out of the house little by little so he won't notice). He has changed and is nicer to me but I just don't care anymore.
He touches me sometimes and I clench up because I don't want him to even touch me.
I hate my dead end sales job and I want to go on with my life and think about myself for a change but he is going to make it so hard. I know he loves me and I honestly love him too. I don't know what to feel anymore.
How can I love him and not want to be with him?
How do I leave him and what do I say. If I break it off with him at home, he will block the door and be a jerk about it and say mean things like, "O, so now your bailing on me...
Basically, I am scared to do it, sometimes I just feel like leaving a dear John letter.
Is that wrong?
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, pretty much my first serious relationship. My bf is 31, quite a big age difference.
Well, since day one he has been very controlling. He wouldn't even let me go to the store alone and till this day he acusses me of cheating and insists I get like 10 phone numbers when I go out. I have no life to begin with because I can barely go and see my own mother without an explation and a time of when I will be back.
I started to see a crazy side to him not too long into the relationship, however I guess being so young I didn't know any better.
He has done and said some mean things in the past like kill my dog, and hit me by mistake so he said. Yeah, pretty messed up, I know.
Well, he also has two kids from a previous relationship and he never sees them and is behind on child support a few grand.
He lives with his mother and we live in the attic bedroom, just a room and a bathroom.
He has been promising to move to an apartment, but refuses to pay rent to anyone because he has a house. Well, that's fine for him, he is home. I need a place to call my own.
He has had a hard time understanding this. We were supposed to get married with money my grandfather gave me and he spent it on his mortgage because he took out a mortgage on his mothers house.
Anyway, I feel like I have wasted 7 years, I still want to go back to school and I don't think I will be able to do it unless I leave him and go live with my mom.
She is willing to help me out and let me live with her so I can go to school.
So part of me knows what I have to do but I just can't go through with breaking his heart.
I know he will be devestated and he cries to me all the time because he has a feeling I am going to leave (I have been taking things out of the house little by little so he won't notice). He has changed and is nicer to me but I just don't care anymore.
He touches me sometimes and I clench up because I don't want him to even touch me.
I hate my dead end sales job and I want to go on with my life and think about myself for a change but he is going to make it so hard. I know he loves me and I honestly love him too. I don't know what to feel anymore.
How can I love him and not want to be with him?
How do I leave him and what do I say. If I break it off with him at home, he will block the door and be a jerk about it and say mean things like, "O, so now your bailing on me...
Basically, I am scared to do it, sometimes I just feel like leaving a dear John letter.
Is that wrong?
Sorry I rambled on...Thank you for listening

Give yourself a new motto - don't live your life by your feelings, your head is the captain of this ship. Forget all that Hollywood crap about following your heart - you'll never regret listening to your head and choosing to act rationally rather than impulsively based on feelings. Yes, I suppose it is possible to love someone who is very bad for you (but there are degrees of "bad for you," and this guy isn't a shiftless surfer, he's a leech with an anger problem - you should probably consider counseling to discover why you think it is okay for a man to treat you this way, why you are "in love" with someone you are afraid of). But you are not a child, you're an intelligent woman, and you are able to think this through and realize this relationship is very bad for you. Head overrules heart, as simple as that. I think you'll find that the "love" you feel for this guy will dissipate rather quickly after you leave, you're in kind of an addictive co-dependent relationship here, there's something very unhealthy about sticking around in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, once you get free you will probably feel a lot better than you expect.
You know you can't stay, get out, and be careful doing it. Forget guilt, who cares about how he fares, he has been an abusive, manipulative jerk, he is no longer your problem. Be prepared to contact the police, though, this guy sounds like he may harass you after you leave, and you should look into getting a protective order against him. Look into counseling, though, why would you even have considered marrying this guy?
What you said is so true and I think for the first time in 7 years, I am finally thinking with my head.
Now, I just need the guts to do it;) I was thinking of leaving a letter and going to Florida for a few weeks to see my Dad to just get away. Thought that would be a cowardly way to do it though, especially since I have been with him for so long. But, I guess that doesn't matter. I don't see myself doing it any other way actually, because of the fear and just not knowing what he is capable of.
Thank you for your advice!
This is not cowardly, but smart. I will second everything Milton stated. Don't tell him where you are going either, if you can help it. In the future, please see that any man who doesn't take his responsibilities to his children seriously --- as the huge red flag that it is. Take care.
Lois
In the meantime, try not to feel like you've wasted seven years. It is such a blessing that you and he did not get married or have any kids together. This way you can move on and make a clean break.
Milton was absolutely right on in all that she told you. Get out of there as soon as you can and contact law enforcement so they'll be there in case you need them.
Keep us posted on how you're doing, okay?
Take good care of yourself and be strong.
Heymum
My advice to you is: LEAVE as soon as you can. It´s not normal that he doesn´t let you live your life and do normal things. It´s not a healthy relationship if there is no trust. He makes yor life miserable, you deserve better. You only have one life.
He loves you but it´s not healthy love. Love should make you feel good, not bad. You love him too but not as someone you can respect.
Can you ask a friend or a relative (a male perhaps) to visit you when you tell him? This person could help you if you need help. He/she could wait in another room until you call him/ her.
Good luck.
Katriella
I feel more comfortable now knowing that what I feel is right. I am planning on leaving him next week on my day off. My mom is going to wait outside the house with her husband for me. I will live with her and I am very excited just knowing that.
Either that or I will drive to my mom's with my stuff and then call him when he gets home and tell him over the phone.
I guess it would be better to do it face to face so that I don't have to talk to him after...even though it will be harder for me emotionally. I don't know? :(
This anxiety is killing me, I just can't wait until it's over.
Thank you for listening, I am very greatful for this site.
Don't worry about how to leave him or the aftermath, just do it. He's treating you this way because YOU allow HIM to. Up until today (when I read this book) I was blaming my BF for everything - the way he talked to me, treated me, etc... And then I realized - it's my fault.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I continue to accept this behavior and thus it continues. If you continue to accept being controlled - then you will be. Some part of you must like it.
You're 23 - get out and enjoy life. Make friends, go see movies, go out to dinners... This is the time of your life - the time when you have no husband, no children - you can do whatever you want, whenever you want with this life you control - yours.