need help letting go & getting life back
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| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:49pm |
Okay been with guy 4 months & deep down I know it is not a good relationship... Every negative aspect of any relationship is a major characteristic of our relationship... he's controlling, overly jealous, threatening, verbally abusive, & the list goes on & on... thing is I DO love this guy to death & have prayed over & over about him changing... but I think I am finally at the end of my rope & am starting to realize that nothing will ever change... & that it won't get better... But thing is I dropped my life for this guy... I lost every friend I ever had... (which is many because I was such a social butterfly)... because they were ALL tired of listening to me cry wolf with this guy... We would always argue & I would always run to them... & say I was done & blah blah blah But then I would ALWAYS end up back with him just to put myself in the situation ALL OVER AGAIN... & now my friends are done with me... they don't call or write anymore & heck I have even started to lose my family... & I am so depressed... depressed that I have lost ALL my friends & also depressed that I know I HAVE TO LEAVE THIS GUY... it's for my health & well being to get away... but I will miss him more than anything because I love him so much... we talked about marriage & growing old together... & maybe it was his way of playing on my naivity to keep me where he wanted me but I did believe him... MY QUESTION IS... how do I let go & move on with my life easily???? & how do I get my old life back & ALL my friends??? & how do I convince my friends that I am HONESTLY done with him & take back all their pain that he caused them & have them in my life again(because yes he has even cussed out a few of my friends).... I just want to be me again & not be the me that he has created... Any insight to help me out with my situation is greatly needed & appreciated

I could have written your post quite a few years ago.
hey hon,
i too could have written this post 2 years ago . . . you can't leave until you are ready. my concern is that he will become physically violent, people that are emotionally abusive can turn that corner. though my ex never hit my, i was terrified of his temper at the end of our relationship. it finally took me walking out after a bad fight and never returning home. we didn't break up for another month, but at least i was out of the house. if i could do things differently i would have entered counseling then and not 2 weeks ago - i realized that i still have issues from that relationship and i'm not fully healed. it took having another relationship end to make me see that. you deserve better, i've been there and you will get better, you will get through this and i promise you, you will be happier than you have felt in a long time. you have to believe in yourself, look to God for strength and support and i would highly recommend counseling. today - i am a much happier person but know there are still remaining issues i need to work on.
as for your friends, yes - there are some you will probably lose and probably would have lost regardless. there are few people that stay in your life forever. do your best to mend those friendships but i would start to work on that once you've already spent a little time working on yourself. then they can see the changes that you have started to make and will feel more confident in your sincerity. tough as it may be, some you will lose but then i don't think those people are your true friends either.
hang in there, seek out support and focus on taking one day at a time -- you can do this!
You've gotten excellent advice. I was involved with an emotionally abusive man, he was an emotional blackmailer, really turned on the charm and most people thought he was an amazing catch, but it was all immaturity, incredible selfishness (couldn't go to the hospital with me when I had cancer because he was "really busy" and it was kind of wrong for me to make him uncomfortable like that by "expecting things" from him - we'd been together 2 years at that point). Mine was always doing this "prove your love" business, asking for greater and greater concessions from me - leave work earlier because he got hungry (compromised my hours at my firm), don't hang out with that friend, she doesn't like me, make me the center of your life. He was even accusing me of cheating on him *while I had cancer,* like that would be a great time to really be hitting up the bars, cruising for a new guy. He did all of that because he needed all my attention on him, not only could he not give me equal attention (unless it's quid pro quo, doing for me with the expectation of a bigger reward for him), he couldn't stand it if anyone paid more attention to me, the cancer thing turned him into a total toddler.
But, I'll say this from experience - there's something like sinking into quicksand about this kind of relationship, something like being drunk - it sucks at you, grasps at you, seems to permeate every aspect of your life, and it's hard to imagine breaking free. He has intentionally cut you off from your support network, don't blame just yourself. And now you can't imagine life without him. Again, from experience - getting out looks a lot scarier from inside this kind of relationship than from the other side. I guarantee you, give it a few months after the breakup, and you will not be able to believe he had such a hold on you. His hold requires constant contact, his charm and his volatility, all his bundle of needs grabbing at your attention. Once you get away from it, it will all be a lot easier. Do take precautions for your safety, like leaving while he's at work or calling the police to supervise your move-out, if you think he'll get violent.
One other thing - you ask what you have to do to get your old life back. There is no getting your old life back. Life moves forward, not backward. You need to be thinking about creating a new life for yourself. As the other posters noted, you will probably need counseling. This bad relationship changed you, like it or not. It created unhealthy habits and attitudes in you. You need to understand that you're not the "you" you were before entering this relationship, and your life won't be the same. It's a very bad idea to think you can ever go back, to anything. You only go forward to create new experiences for yourself. Thinking about going back keeps you in patterns that make you prone to accept abusive relationships, and it keeps you in denial. Getting everything "back to normal" is an illusion, and a way to avoid dealing with what has changed in your life. Even if everything in your world was restored to pre-relationship status, you're different, and you have post-abuse issues to work with, that should not be ignored. You should be prepared to create a new life from scratch, not to be whisked back into your old life. And those friends who abandoned you - did they see and understand that you were being emotionally abused? If not, maybe that will make the difference - talk to a counselor first, and then try to talk to your friends about how his abuse made you crazy and unable to see that you needed to get out. But accept that you have a lot of baggage now, and may need to start fresh.
scdzkt,
First, be grateful that you realized 4 months into the relationship what a loser the man really is. I think you also realized that you are flawed in staying with someone like that. The bad news is, you can't change him. The good news is you can change yourself.
I would contact the battered woman's hotline in your area. You may not have been abused physically, but you are emotionally battered. These people have heard your story many times before. They are willing to listen and help, if you are willing to help yourself. They are also aware of how difficult it is to leave, and can provide you with assistance until you reach that goal.
Letting go is not easy and there is no easy way to do it. You will not get your old life back. This relationship has permanently altered your view of yourself, relationships, and the world. You will not be the "old" you again because you have become what the *both* of you created, not just him. You so desperately needed love and acceptance that you tolerated his abuse. Take responsibility and you cannot be the victim anymore.
The only way to convince your friends is by action. The support you need will follow. I know it's a difficult thing to ask of you in your fragile state. They are as afraid of him and someone like him as you are.
Good luck to you, scdzkt. Keep us posted with your plan and your progress. Those of us that have been through it are on your side. It's like the childhood game "Red Rover" Break the chain, and you've already won.
Mimiche