Need help with NO CONTACT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Need help with NO CONTACT
10
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 9:31am

Can anyone out there send me some advice or ideas on how they get by with NO contact?

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 10:06am

I know you and I have talked at length about this issue--so first things first--why is he even still in your phone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 10:06am

Read "Zen of Doing Nothing" over and over again, EVERY time you feel like you want or need to contact him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 12:22pm

Hi ladydeb,


Here's the links to the two articles:


Zen of Doing Nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 12:29pm
Thanks to all...Im so discouraged by my slip up...its true what they say...it never really helps to contact them it makes you feel worse.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 2:25pm

i've found the best way is to print out a calendar (from Outlook or word or something) & x of the days of no contact. i put an x there in the morning to incent me not to contact him. think 30 days for starters, 60 if he's a real jerk.


whenever you contact him, throw out the calendar & start over.


then i start talking on online message boards a lot where i have something to back & read during the day when i would have heard from him.


i've learned to type all kinds of draft texts & emails but delete the texts & send the e-mails back to myself. that way i feel like i've sent them but i haven't.


next i try to pinpoint what FEELINGS he made me feel that i think i will never feel again with anyone else. and i try to figure out how to recreate those feelings on my own so i don't need him for them.


lastly, i do something completely new. latest is taking a burlesque dancing class. want to do pole dancing too. this is my NEW ME thing that he knows nothing about & makes me sexier than ever before.


i've done this no-contact thing 2x now, with both of my last boyfriends. it worked completely with the first one. once i knew he cheated on me, i never ever contact him again. i'm only on day 8 of no contact with this one. but talk about the power i feel over myself. it's amazing.


plus remember - he can't miss you if you're gone. just say that over & over to yourself!


hugz.


d


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 3:20pm

I do reread Zen of Doing Nothing over and over and over.

Also...I look at what I feel is missing and is drawing me to call him. I have to distinguish between fantasy stuff...like "I want to be in a relationship with you" and get to the details, for instance, his voice saying, "hey beautiful" or his flavor of advice on a difficult spot I'm in, or just sharing some hobby or interest that he is also into.

Then, for as many of those things as possible, I acknowledge the yearning, remind myself that the relationship is over, and identify another source that can give me what he gave me in the non-fantasy catagory...myself, a friend, interaction on a posting board. So...when I want to hear I'm beautiful, I tell myself I'm beautiful. When I am facing an emotional challange, I call on one of my two like-minded friends. When I am excited about a project, I contact a friend who shares my interest. Or I go join a group that he is not a part of that does that thing. I'm especially focused on things he and I did NOT do together...

I seem to be accustoming myself to get what he gave me from other sources...no longer from the one person, but from many.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 6:00pm

Don't worry about it. Everyone here has slipped up at least once and sometimes worse than a text. laughs. The shoes issue is sort of well funny, because it reminds me of this stuffed dog I'd had forever. I left it at his house and it still annoys me right now that he didn't hand it over with my other stuff. He remembered my hair ties, but not my 5ft long dog? --''

In terms of what I do...I used to jump out the door and just run and run and run until I wanted to collapse. Anyways, whatever you choose, it's good to make it a habit. When you want to text him, you go do ____.

cheers

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 6:36am

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses... Since my slip yesterday morning Ive been doing better.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:24am

When I am angry, I find a safe time and space for myself that does not involve the person I am angry at and I let myself feel it. Full-on. Writing an unsent letter is a great idea. I become intimate with the feeling of anger, and write until I am as clear as possible regarding why I feel as I do.

Eventually I feel I am ready to begin to move away from the anger. I don't try to suppress it, but I do work on coming in touch with compassion. There's usually so much more going on to the hurts people inflict on us than them just being mean-- and that more is all about them and their struggles, issues and pain. Aggression and distancing are so often responses to pain and fear. Actively feeling compassion for his struggle and, simultaneously, my own, slowly dissolves my anger and moves me closer to true healing.

So...that's what I do. But whatever you do, don't suppress the anger or deny it. Do find an appropriate, safe place to really let yourself feel it.

Good for you for setting up some safeguards against calling him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 2:32pm

Yes, let it out.