Need Help....Please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Need Help....Please!
2
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:48pm
Hi Everyone.

Lets see, where do I begin....Ok about a month and a half ago my BF of 2 years broke up with me. I have a child and that scares him to death, he states he loves my son but never wants to be responsible for another human being. He has serious issues from his childhood. He also fears that he'll never be ready to be at "the man" that I want him to be. I love this guy deeply, we have been through sooo much as I'm sure most of you have too. I'm hurt that we were together for 2 years and made me believe we were going to be a family and let my son get attached. At the same time I respect that he is telling me now rather than have it go any further and hurting my child (my son is 3). The thing is after the initial break up he wanted the no contact rule, as hard as it was I agreed. After less than a week he was calling me and we even agreed to go on a vacation we had already had planned (just the two of us). Things were fantastic and we even ended up, well you know. The thing is I have continued to sleep with him (can I ask why sex is so much better now?) but I now feel like I'm thinking with my head instead of my heart and know this is wrong and is hurting me more. It's really like we aren't broken up other than the fact that we don't say, "I love you" and I haven't brought him around my son. We are still hanging out and emailing and talking on the phone. After reading everyones posts I guess he is a CP, but do I continue this unhealthy behavior to keep "the friend" because if I told him the truth now he would flip because he has a big honesty issue with how your feeling when your feeling it, even if you didn't realize things. I'm just so lost, I love him, and I want to be with him, but I know now that I'm never going to have things the way I want them???? What do I do??

Any advice would be great! Sorry for the loop holes - I'm a little emotionally distraught right now.

Am

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:15pm
Welcome to the board!! This is a great place to come for advice and support!! I know it's hard to let go sometimes....and we sometimes will do whatever it takes to keep our ex's in our lives but....if it's not what you want....it will never make you happy....at least not long term. Right now he's getting exactly what he wants....sex and conversation with no strings attached....he's getting the best parts of the relationship (at least in his opinion)....the intamacy..and the bond with you....but he doesn't have to do the mushy stuff and he doesn't have to come around your son. You need to tell him that it isn't working for you anymore.....that you still love him and want to be with him but you want the relationship, you want the strings, and you want him to be a part of your son's life and if he can't attempt that then you need to move on....with no contact until you're both over one another. Whatever you say to him---stick to it or he'll never think you mean what you say. Good luck and keep us posted. No matter what you decide to do we're here to help!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:55pm
Thanks Heidi :o)

Your words are so true. I know this is what I need to do, is to cut loose. It's just so damn hard. I love this guy, who obviously doesn't feel the same about me and is never going to commit. I just feel that if I lose him all together, I lose part of myself. I don't have many friends, for which I gave them up for him (i know, very stupid) I also worry about him and him being alone. We do so much for each other, probably me doing more, but I just worry. He is the first and only person I can picture myself with. The thought of me with someone else is not even imaginable and him with someone else would truly break my heart. I know thats why I should stop this now, this friends w/ benefits because its never going to blossom into what I want. I guess I'm really just typing this now for reassurance. Thanks for listening (or in this case reading)! Any advice is always greatly appreciated.

Am