Need Honest Opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Need Honest Opinions
5
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:06pm
Hi all....I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years 4 months ago. It has been a rough period but its getting better. My ex and I are still friends and we still sleep with each. We both agreed that if either one of us finds a new significant other we would end this so-called arrangement. Is this whole sleeping together wrong? I still love and care about my ex but he sends me mixed signals. Some days he can be really sweet and other days he can say cruel things such as "the sex is all fun and games but it will have to end oneday." He has told me that he still cares about me but he seems to have no interest in dating me ever again. We broke up because he feels that I am too jealous. He has done things during these 4 months to provoke my jealousy. He likes to make up stories that he goes on all these dates with different girls to see how I respond and then he even questions why I still get jealous for even though we don't date anymore. I told him that I do get jealous but I never did anything irrational towards him because of my jealousy. I don't let it get out of control. I feel if 2 people really do love and care about each other that they can try to work things out. Is that wrong to think this way because of how I still feel towards him? ALot of my friends tell me not to bother with him anymore because hes a jerk and that he doesnt respect me but Im a little confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:11pm

IMHO, I'd say that this called FWB deal you both have is working out for him, but not for you. He's enjoying the sex part because he can have it anytime pretty much. It's sex for him...not making love. He knows that it's only sex so he really doesn't see the obligation and dutie to say "I care for you" every time he meets up with you. His head knows that he'll move on when he gets the chance. "Mr. Johnson" knows that he'll have a safe place to go when he gets the urge and that there are no strings attached. Your body is the sexual place for him. You, on the other hand, still care for him and sex isn't sex, it's making love. You hope that he comes back, but his attitude is not the one you want...one day he's sweet and the other he's just rude. He's told you that your dating days as a couple are over. Now it's time for sex and friendship. Think about it the practical way to get it clear in your head. Men are practical and visual creatures. You could be one too when dealing with this FWB matter. Think about him as a body to give you pleasure and satisfy you sexually for now. It's safe and secure, but it's only sex. There are no strings attached. You can date others if you want OR just have sex with him.

I'd venture to say that you're not this ind of woman, who deals with this easily. You think in mixed messages, but there are mno mixed messages at all. He's behaving like the man he is. He doesn't want any emotional connection with you, he wants sex and fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:53pm

This sounds like a maturity issue to me. I think you two reached an "itch" - the point where that crazy excitement of love dies down. The lack of butterflies is making both of you think that you're not meant to be. If he didn't care about you anymore, he wouldn't be doing things like trying to make you jealous. I think you both love each other but are trying to come to terms with where you're going (or not) with one another.

That said, it doesn't sound like this situation is working for you. Your feelings are being thrown all over the place. You have to ask yourself if this is GOOD for YOU the way it is. Sleeping together but not "seeing" one another when you still feel so strongly is only going to make things complicated. It's going to create incredible jealousy and I honestly think you should put an end to it.

Just because you break up, doesn't mean you can never get back together again. Give it space and give it time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:37pm

Take it from someone who's been there....STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!

You say you still love and care about him but he's sending you mixed signals....STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!

He does things to provoke your jealousy and get a reaction...STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, I've just been in similar situations, and if you want to stay friends with an ex, you cannot continue to have casual sex, because as soon as he finds someone else (especially if it's before you), you are going to be heartbroken all over again. Trust me, you don't want to feel that way.

If you truly care about him, you need to take a step back for a while, no contact, no sex! Let some time pass and see if you really still do want him in your life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:14am
Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. It is very difficult sometimes in life to turn ones back and just walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:08pm

You mentioned something interesting, about it being hard to turn your back on someone after this long. Well, in essence that's what he did with you four months ago. For him it wasn't so difficult, and you're letting him do this. Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because he hasn't given up the easy sex he still cares. Nope, men and women are wired differently; sex does not automatically lead to attachment the way it does for women, and if he broke a previous attachment, like in your breakup, sex alone will not reconnect it, it's just sex at that point for him.

You know in your heart of hearts that this isn't good for you, seeing as you want more, that you don't like the way you feel after he's either gone or has (politely) sent you home. How does it feel to know that whenever he's done with you, he goes looking for someone else to make his girlfriend? You can try and fool yourself all you want that this is okay with you when you know full well, it's not. At the end of the day, you feel used. Every time you lie to yourself this way, it hurts you, and you lose a little bit of trust and respect for yourself.

To his comment about sex with you being just fun and games (ouch, anyone?) and that it has to end someday, I'd tell him, "You're right, and that day is today." Get ahold of your power, yank it up by the brastraps, and YOU treat yourself with a little respect since he can't seem to be able to. Remember this forever and always: If you want someone, anyone, to respect you, you must first act in ways they can respect. You haven't been doing that lately and I think you know it.

The provoking jealousy: It's not about him caring about you, I disagree with the other poster who said that for a bunch of reasons, I believe it's about him reaffirming to himself, telling himself, "See, I was right to break up with her," over and over again. If you really want to throw him for a loop, act like you don't care. Jealousy in any form is ugly. Playing games to provoke jealousy can easily backfire.

....."I feel if 2 people really do love and care about each other that they can try to work things out. Is that wrong to think this way because of how I still feel towards him?"..... Yes, it's wrong for you to feel this way because nothing in what you've written tells me or anyone else besides you that he cares for or loves you. Maybe he did once, but as soon as you gave him your sex without him wanting your heart, he lost respect for you, the kind that's necessary for two people to be in a relationship. The way he talks to you, the arrogant way he has of assuming you'll give him sex no matter what (because you do), and the entire FWB thing, all reek of he doesn't care, he doesn't love you, no matter what he says. He'll say just enough to get you to have sex with him, that's all.

....."ALot of my friends tell me not to bother with him anymore because hes a jerk and that he doesnt respect me but Im a little confused."..... You're only confused because your reality and your desires aren't meshing. The truth of the matter doesn't reflect what you want. Make no mistake, he's being a jerk to you and you're letting him.

I do realize how harsh this was, but that's because it's so sad to see a woman not get what she deserves, not allow herself to be loved and respected simply because her feelings have been hurt and are getting in the way of her power. You deserve better than to be treated this way, and you don't have to wait for someone else to do it, either. When you start treating yourself as a prize, as a woman of respect and class, you'll be treated that way by others, and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Best,

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