Need input Please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Need input Please!!
8
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 3:38pm

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, in the last 2 of those years we have met some new friends through a church that we started attending. This is a Baptist church and we do try to attend regularly. I thought that by attending church and doing things together our relationship would improve. Instead things haven't changed at all, he still doesn't show any love or affection toward me. There are several other things that have been going on but I won't go into that right now. I have been wanting to get out for a couple of years now but never thought that I could do it on my own, especially with two small children. I went to see an attorney the other day and I think I can make this work but now that we have told a couple of people at church that we have seperated they are freaking out.

I am finally at the point to where I don't want things to work out, I am tired of trying to get things to work out and the end result be nothing. They all seem to think that no matter how bad it is you can make it work. "You promised God to stay faithful and married", I just cant believe that God would want me to stay this unhappy the rest of my life. It does affect my attitude around my children also, I am always upset and angry.

I guess the point I am getting to is this, will my friends forgive me once I go through with this or should I just live unhappily the rest of my life? My husband doesn't apparently want this to work out either, he hasn't fought me about one thing in the divorce. Thanks for your help and input, I understand that it is hard to say what someone else will do or not do, I am just looking for what other people have experienced in this situation.

Thanks for reading all this sorry it is so long,
Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mel27
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 6:39pm

Melissa...

Pianoguy would like to share a parallel to your story...if you don't mind?

My Mother (God rest her soul) was a beautiful lady...but one of her irritating habits was 'a concern over appearances!' If I had a dollar for the number of times I heard the phrase: "WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?"----I'd be as rich as Donald Trump---if not richer!

In other words...the feelings and emotions that I might have possessed or needed support for (concerning an issue, a person, even a vegetable) were SECONDARY to what 'others would think!' THIS WAS A MAJOR GUILT TRIP I LIVED WITH UNTIL I LEFT HOME AT 18! This old school theory of 'seeing things through the eyes of others' continued to 'bug me' through my early 20s!

Then I woke up and realized something very important....MOST people could care less about what kind of problems most of us have. The 'appearances' we might show could possibly make a few people uncomfortable, but they're pretty much ignored by the majority!

Let's look at your current situation....okay?

Sympathy and support usually come from friends and family members who matter...and will love you unconditionally...no matter what choices you make! But to the outside world...divorce is as common as brushing your teeth or taking out the garbage! .

So STOP WORRYING about other people's opinions and what they might be thinking! They AREN'T living your life---YOU ARE! And if neither you...nor your husband...feel your marriage is worth sustaining...work out your problems together (or with a lawyer).

Failure to make a marriage work is very sad (Pianoguy knows this first hand)...but you are FAILING YOURSELF if you spend all of your life "looking over your shoulder" to see how certain people will respond to the actions you choose to take! You'll also LOSE YOUR HAIR!

Be strong....first from within...and then let that strength gradually come out! GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
In reply to: mel27
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 7:43pm

I'm with PianoGuy on this one.

I know I'm only 19 so I 'still have a lot to learn about the world' but this is my theory:
The people who truly care about you accept the decisions you make. Honestly, you are worrying about what your friends think, but the thing is that they don't seem too concerned with your happiness.

I know right now you need all the support you can get because this is a very difficult time, but try out new people, as odd as it sounds. This situation is o complex because your friendship with these people is based on religious grounds and right now you are going 'against' the religion (Which I COMPLETELY support, I mean, these rules were made up A LONG time ago and need to be more adaptable.) As well, I think children suffer more when they have to endure a bad parental relationship rather than divorce, and right now, your kids must be one of top priorities.

These people don't seem to loyal to you, which is what you need right now. My view on issue like this is always that people who care about you will understand and support you, it's just really hard to find people like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
In reply to: mel27
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 7:36pm

Thank you both very much for your help. I am so glad to hear that information and it makes me feel so much better. I did actually talk to someone new today at work about it and they basically told me the same thing you two have said on here. Thanks again for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: mel27
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:02pm
If they are really your friends, they'll forgive you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: mel27
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 7:02pm
My parents went through the same thing. They never really had a good marriage to begin with and when I was 10, my mom started taking my two sisters and I to this christian Bible church in our town. It wasn't technically a Baptist church but it might has well been becuase all the church leaders and friends of my mother at the church kept telling my mom that divorce was never an option, that you have to stick by your husband no matter what, "for this is the way of the Lord." Anyway, because of this, my mom started taking us to a different, more understanding church and my parents eventually divorced. Now my dad is remarried to a great woman and her brother's family attends a very strict bapitist church that sounds a lot like yours. But I think the thing you have to consider is the distinct difference between faith and religion. Faith is the personal relationship you have with you and whatever God you believe in. Religion is what they teach you at these types of churches. They tell you what to wear, what is good to watch on TV and what isn't, that basically the woman is the subsidiary of the man which is not true. At this new church I go to, teaches the three A's about divorce, that the grounds are Adultry, Abuse and Abandonment, and that last one does not mean just physical. It sounds as if your husband has emotionally abandoned you a long time ago and you and your kids deserve better than that. These women at your church have no right to judge you because they have not walked in your shoes, if they have good marriages, fine; but if they are in abusive or loveless marriages and are going to stay there because they think that God wants them to, they are sorely mistaken. Times change. People change. Maybe it is time to think about another church where you can join a support group with other women who have gone through the same ordeal. Good Luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: mel27
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 12:58pm
As the other posters have pointed out, one of the reasons people are reluctant to get divorced is that divorce was historically viewed as socially unacceptable, and many of us grew up in environments that conveyed a strong sense that divorce was wrong or shameful. Honestly, you may just have to accept that some people still see divorce as a personal failing, as being too lazy to work on your relationship, too selfish to stick it out for your kids, too greedy for newness and passion and romance, too immature to understand what mature love is like, actually a sin for breaking your promise to God, whatever. Those people may never "forgive" you, but I guarantee you'll meet more tolerant people in the future, and are better off without intolerant "friends" in your life. Incidentally, some of the people who will most strongly convey this sense of disapproval are those who are desperately unhappy themselves and unwilling/unable to do anything about it, and they will resent you for rocking the boat and escaping from a bad situation that they have confined themselves to. (I'm divorced myself, I've seen it firsthand.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: mel27
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 1:15pm

I used to be involved with my Church(I have relocated and searching for a new one..haven't been in about a year)

Anyway, I have been divorced twice. MY Church was aware of that. I was taught that NO ONE but God is supposed to judge. I'm sure the people at your Church have the best intentions, but they are wrong!

Pray and God will answer. It's the conviction you'll feel in your heart. HE will give you the answers to your questions. That's what I did anyway, and now I am married to a wonderful man. I have everything I ever wanted and asked for. So I beleive that I am where God wants me to be.

It sounds as if you are very sure about this and you have tried and if you feel unhappy and you beleive you will be more of a positive role model or influence on your children, then you should do what you feel is right for your family.

Good Luck and God Bless!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: mel27
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:36am

"They all seem to think that no matter how bad it is you can make it work"

They are right, BUT it is not unconditional. No matter how bad it is, it CAN work, ONLY IF BOTH are 100% committed to MAKING it work.

"You promised God to stay faithful and married"

And you have. HE hasn't. He may have been faithful of the body, but he left you long ago mentally.

"will my friends forgive me once I go through with this"

Those who are truly your friens will. You'll find out who your real friends are and they won't "forgive" you as it's not their place to forgive you, but they'll be with you supportive as you go through this.

You should go to your Bible and to God with this. Look in the index under Marriage and Divorce. You can not make the marriage work alone. There are specific passages on ending marriage on grounds of adultery, and your husbands mistress is anything and everything he's putting before you. Pray to God for guidence. Pray that he shows you his will in all your trouble and for the courage and strength to follow. Pray for your husbands heart and mind to be turned towards you if that be Gods plan, but if not, pray for the wisdom to see that (which personally I already think he's shown you in "My husband doesn't apparently want this to work out either, he hasn't fought me about one thing in the divorce").