need to know the TRUTH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
need to know the TRUTH.
3
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 7:11am


i'm sorry. but i am wondering if i am to blame in all of this. please be honest and say if i was. reading smeone's post about how tears make a man feel helpless and exasperated and he just goes further away. i think i did that.

we were together for 4 years. last 2 years of our relationship were extremely hard. we are young. he always said marriage to me since 6 months into our relationship. from a playboy type went to MOST DEDICATED MAN IN the world. i dont know what changed but i sensed he'd be "fake" infront of other girls. his marriage plans were never practical. and i'd cry and say you are lying to me. andhe'd say no its true i love you. i'd cry for hours. he'd get fed up. walk away. say i can't see you cry. my tears had no effect on him whatoever. i cried because on some level i just never saw the REAL dedication. i mean he did really romantic things - picked me up from my classes, dropped me off, took me out for dinners and lunches, wrote very sentimental cards for me, in each of which i was going to be his wife.... but there was nothing PRACTICAL being done. no real PLANNING. i guess i never really believed him. and i'd cry for hours saying you dont love me. he'd say nothing i do can convince you of my love. no guy would do these things for his gf ( he really went out of his way in his romantic phases) sometimes i'd be so frustrated. so not convinced i'd hit him. sometimes he'd hit me back. i'd abuse him him too - i mean tell him he was a good for nothing and he is a liar and he'll never amount to anything much if he continues like this. he'd say things like he is going to become a spy and work for the governemnt etc . extremely unrealistic plans. his friends would laugh at him and i'd hate to see that. i'd say please don't be a joke please stop it. PROVE yourself. then he'd start crying and say i love you so much yet you insult me like this. you don't make me feel like a man. you hit me. i hate you. and i'd cry as well and apologise and say i didnt mean it. i'm sorry i have faith in him.

we'd do this so often. till whatever i said never affected him. he started saying things like he was going to rule the world. he was mean in some ways. mean to poor people. said horrible things. racist . i know how silly it sounds even while i'm typing this. but we'd get into fights i'd say he needs to know real problems of real people. he's just living in a fools paradise. life is hard. for most people. he thought he was king or something coz he was so good looking. but he loved me. he said it EVERYDAY.. he wrote poems to me saying how hurt he is that i cry so much and that ishould leave him coz he makes me so unhappy. he was playing iwth my mind wasn't he??? so i'd say no i'll be happy with him.

i want to know - did i push him away with my constant crying and abuse??? i eman no guy would want to stay with a gf who told him he was good for nothing right? and cried for ages? also i come from a broken family so i was harldy ever home and i'd spend all my time with him. and while breaking up he said "im done taking care of you and that you can tell people we broke up coz i cheated but the truth is it happened long back coz of you and you're abuse" was he playing me for 4 years? if he didn't love me why would he carve my name on his hand with a blade?

i'm sorry i keep coming here for answers. i dont know why. sometimes i thkn it was my fault. i should have been "nicer". cried less. maybe he would have stayed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 10:18am

Water seeks its own level.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:44pm

The TRUTH, as I see it (from the sum of your posts): this man is not mentally healthy or stable. So no, there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome here. You really need to somehow get your mind around the fact that doing things like carving your name into his hand is NOT a normal way for someone to show love! It's something a mentally and/or emotionally disturbed person does.

Plus he's abusive. I don't understand why you would WANT someone like that to stay. But then I haven't ever been abused and I will say that I don't understand the mentality of women who stay. But I do know that without therapy, you're unlikely to change the thought process that makes you think that was OK and that you were somehow to blame. You need to learn what healthy, loving behavior is.

You also need to figure out why you felt that abusing HIM was ok, and get healthy yourself. Even if you educate yourself as to what a healthy relationship is, you can't be IN one unless and until you're healthy yourself.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:43pm
Doing_good - only take 50% of the responsibility for this relationship.