Need a laugh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Need a laugh?
7
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:15am

Went on another match.com date last night. Distraction therapy, if you will, since I know I'm not ready to date just two months post-breakup. Still, what a disaster! He drank four beers to my one glass of wine, made inappropriate comments about my parents, interrupted me throughout the evening to get in some brilliant sarcastic remark (none of which was particularly funny), and then culminated the evening by spilling red wine on my new khaki pants (which he then suggested I should just take off since they were stained).

I got in my car to go home and immediately burst into tears. Dating SUCKS!

Friends, however, find this to be a hilarious story that I should tuck away for future enjoyment. So...am trying to see the humor in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:29am

His inappropriate, socially incorrect, immature behavior is not a reflection on you. Therefore, the whole situation is hilarious.

If you were seeing it on TV, you'd be laughing hysterically at how "stupid" he is. What you are is upset that he's not "all that".

But you'd do well to adopt the reality that in order to find someone that is appealing to you on a variety of levels - what is required is "Lots of test runs". So either date alot of men at one time...sleeping with none if that inspires emotional bond in you....or be prepared to date one guy at a time,form a quasi-relationship as a result of contact and involvement...only to find out he's not what you want, need or thought...and move on.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:39am

I agree: his behavior is absolutely not a reflection on me in any way. From an objective perspective, yeah, what happened is pretty funny.

In truth, I cried because he's not my ex--my ex who was always so easy to talk to and with whom conversation flowed easily, naturally. He wasn't my ex, who appealed to me on a variety of levels. *End pity party here*

At the moment I'm in the "lots of test runs" school because I don't want to invest emotionally in anyone.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:31am

If dating is making you CRY, why on earth would you do that to yourself????

That's not a distraction...that's more like masochism! A distraction would be going to the movies with friends.

I've never found dating too soon after a breakup to work as distraction...so I don't force myself to do it until I know I can actually have FUN with it. If you're crying, you're not ready.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:45am

I didn't expect to break down like that. But you're right, I guess this is pretty masochistic. But isn't there some school of thought that at least getting yourself out there again can restore some confidence...or something? But now that I think about it, this breakup wasn't really about my confidence or lack thereof. It was about losing someone very special to me. So I probably shouldn't push it on the dating front. I only miss him more when I do.

I'm seeing my counselor again Thurs--it's been a few weeks since I saw her last and I think I may need to go on anti-depressants. My sister remarked last night that I don't really seem to be improving much at all, that at two months I shouldn't expect things to be peachy but there should be some moments of relief, distraction, improvement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:20pm

HEre's where you're at. Think running and racing.

If you've been training for 5K's....and you DESIRE teh challenge of racing, you're not viewing "losing" as "being a loser" and you're not viewing winning as being "totally superior at all times for eternity."

The desire to race is your desire to push your limits and find out what you'e capable of, letting the results be wahtever they are.

Naturally, even if you desire to race for the reason stated above - you'll be nervous, but not because of "what if I don't finish or win" - it'll be a positive type of anticipation to "see what can result from your efforts."

I've seen people who've "trained to race"....and they've put in the time and effort and are capable of the event without a problem. However, their mindset is that this "race" determines whether they're a winner or loser at life in general, their self-esteem and self-image is in the balance, over a result they can't control.

Because nobody wins races because they're "better" than everybody else. You win races because you're well trained, you're responsible, you're focused, and you're able on that day to better sustain your efforts consistently than anybody else.

These people train to race...and yet there is such significance in win or lose...that there is no anticipatory excitement to "do their best and see what results". They have a negative, churning anticipation of "what is going to happen as a result of this." and that usually causes them to be unable to perform up to theri best abilities and efforts, resulting in the loss they feared - and yet created with thier self-image and the results of that being a less than 100% pursuit.

I've seen people for YEARS stand on starting lines with that level of negative anticipation.....they do not WANT the results, but they have twisted their reasoning and association of "doing this activity" to be tied to "who they are"....so if they didn't do this, they'd have nothing...but if they do this and lose - they are nothing...dn if they do this and win - they are "someone" that nobody remembers next week and thus the negativity reasserts itself in terms of self-image.

You cannot "force yourself not to fear"...and that's the key. These people fear the event, they loathe the need of their event in terms of their self-identity, and they fear the outcome with a passion that resembles a chaotic whirlwind. These people burn out - eventually stopping whatever the activity is altogether...it's way to stressful and they get nothing out of it.

These people didn't disassociate from the "win" which they don't control - who theyare - which they do control and define and maintain. That didn't allow the positive anticipation of "doing their best" - realizing that the result is what it is and doesn't impact "who they are" at the core.

If you're dating from the "I fear this actvity and dread this result, but I must because it's required in order to maintain something at some level".......you'll never love dating, and you can't objectiely assess and ddiscerningly review your competition. YOu'll come to loathe them or love them without personal judgement of who they are - just what they represent in terms fo who you think you are - which is iin constant comparison to them.

Until it doesn't matter what happens on the dat....you're not ready to date. And until it doesn't matter if this works out - you're not ready for a relationship.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:48pm

*sigh* Erin, once again while I think your general analogy is a good one, I don't really think it fits my situation. I can't quite put my finger on why your posts don't really resonate for me. So I'll ask a question instead.

You said:
"Until it doesn't matter what happens on the dat....you're not ready to date. And until it doesn't matter if this works out - you're not ready for a relationship."

May I ask: if your guy ended your 5-year FWB relationship tomorrow, would you grieve? Would you be sad? Would you feel loss? Or would you shrug your shoulders because it doesn't matter to you if it continued or not?

Relationships may begin with one/both of you thinking it doesn't matter if it works out, but as emotional ties are built between two people who have lots of reasons to be drawn to each other, I think you are a robot if you don't start caring about it "working out"--whether that means continuing to have this person in your life or advancing together toward a new stage of your relationship.

I absolutely knew my date last night wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't expect it to, and going in, I intended simply to enjoy the evening for what it was. So in that sense, I didn't really care what happened on the date. Even so, I didn't expect to be so overwhelmed afterwards. Now I know, and now I will back off of the whole dating scene to get myself more pulled together. The guy emailed, by the way, to apologize for the wine spill and to acknowledge that I may have been 'underwhelmed' by the date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: course11
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 2:31pm

You said:
"Until it doesn't matter what happens on the dat....you're not ready to date. And until it doesn't matter if this works out - you're not ready for a relationship."

May I ask: if your guy ended your 5-year FWB relationship tomorrow, would you grieve? Sure I'd be sad that what we had was over, I'd still have loved every second of it without regret for indulgence as a result of all the joy it brought to me. But, I'd stick with the schedule - I'd still be working, running, paddling, racing, traveling, paying the bills. In short, nothing about my life would "change" except that he wouldn't be "there" by my side when I win or lose, except as a friend. That's what I mean about it 'working out' and until it doesn't matter whether it does or not - you're not ready to pursue.

Because if what you "have" is a result of alliance in ways that aren't to your liking, creation and maintenance, you then can't "afford" to lose the relationship and you begin to compensate and cater to the person in order to "keep them in your life".

Would you be sad? Sure
Would you feel loss? Sure
Or would you shrug your shoulders because it doesn't matter to you if it continued or not? Well, I'd have to accept that it wasn't going to continue as an enhancement ot my life, but my #1 priority is the "me" that I am in totality -which is what had us together all those years. He being attracted to me the individual...and vice versa. So if you lose what it is that attracted them in the first place, how long can anything last.

Relationships may begin with one/both of you thinking it doesn't matter if it works out, but as emotional ties are built between two people who have lots of reasons to be drawn to each other, I think you are a robot if you don't start caring about it "working out"--whether that means continuing to have this person in your life or advancing together toward a new stage of your relationship.

I'd say I'm running on the Covey approach - start with the end in mind. And I'm sure you can relate to this because almost everybody knows someone who took this position....."I don't want to be divorced" and as a result the person tolerates infidelity, financial bankruptcy, emotional abuse, perhaps pysical violence - because the "status of divorced" is not what they can accept. That means that "marriage" is an entity they're incomplete without - but it really doesn't matter the standards or enhancement/destruction that "being married causes me". I'd never want to go there AGAIN....so I start with the end in mind.

When this stops being what it is in my life - an enhancement....I'll stop being involved with them. That doesn't mean that sacrifices, efforts, and involvement isn't the reality in the present, but it's not done to "get a future" or "based on what we'll have"...everything I give and do and involve in is "because of what exists". But I'd inflict the pain of disassociation on myfself for my long-term good, before I'd continue pursuing short term, situational based potential gratification to my long-term detriment.

This analogy might work. Some people live life on the defense. They're on the defensive team of a football team. Their job is to "give up no ground". It's to keep the other guy from "scoring". But in a defensive stance in life - you never succeed in terms of winning at anything. You're not trying to win - you're simply trying not to lose.

In trying not to lose by keeping the other guy from scoring, you're constantly in response to them, but never in proactive action in taking the ball to the your end of the field. If you watch football, very occasionally you'll see a defensive tackle get his hands on the ball, while it is technically in possession of the other team. That man takes that ball and runs with it - without a plan because this wasn't in the plan.......towards his end of the field. As far as he gets is great all the way is great, but as far as he gets, the offensive line then steps in, takes possession of the ball adn begins aggressive pursuit of the end zone and a score.

To live life defensively means that you believe you'll only get waht you need - by teh mistakes or involvement of others in your life. Defensively is a terrible way to approach life in general because it insights fear......but it's a destructive way to view "being in, or having, or getting" a relationship. It means there is no you in the game to consider or meet halfway - there is just you on the field, trying to get interaction and attention, and possibly score by default of their mistake occasionally.

To live life from the offensive position means you know your goals and purpose, you know why you need to do this, and "doing thsi" wahtever it may be - will bring you personally acclaim and fame as you have defined it. You then see everybody else on the field that is on your team as someone to block adn tackle for you so that you make the end zone, or to pass the ball to so that your team scores and wins....and you see the opposing team players as people to be avoided if possible, or sailed across if not possible to avoid. But you're "getting where you are supposed to get" - that is your mindset.

Relationships in an "offensive stance" by both parties have you on the same team. So you have the same goals and purpose - sometimes one of you has the ball while the other scores or vice versa while the other blocks the opposition from getting to you...but both of you are working towards the same goals, with one another, because your abilities and values are similar.

In my dating experience, I took the following attitude.......Clark Gable was caught paying a prostitute for her services while filming Gone with the Wind. The judge asked why he was paying for sex, as he was sought after by at the time the world's most beautiful leading ladies. HIs response is classic....if it is true...but it's classic nonetheless because it embodies dating. "I wasn't paying her for sex your honor. I can have sex with any woman I choose. I was paying her to go home. I seem to have trouble getting any of them to do that without pay."

So in dating.......you're not being wined and dined becuase "you're so remarkable" - you're being wined and dined becuase your companionship on mutual terms is desired. That companionship from anybody would be desired no matter what on the part of the man involved. HE wanted "a date" - not "you". Why there is payment required in order to have your companionship is that your standards don't have you hanging out and hooking up for instant gratification. YOu're not being paid for sex.......you're requiring that he pay for the pleasure of your company because you won't lower the standards to "hanging out for free."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com