Need to move on
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Need to move on
| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:18am |
Hi guys,
today is an angry day. My fiance and I recently just called off our wedding (just 6 weeks before the date). Well, actually, he called it off. Just a little background on this, we've been together for 6 years. He's got 2 kids, I got one. We have a lot of history together. He's the dreamer, I'm the doer...really, Type A personality, I make the money, I'm the mom, the housekeeper, the friend, the lover, etc etc etc. Our main arguments were always about money and his video game playing. Call me crazy but a 38 year old man shouldn't be wasting hours upon hours in front of an x-box. And the money. He's never made as much as me, but he had a hard time getting it through his head that I paid all the bills so stop asking me for stuff like a new car, flat screen TV, a home theatre system, paying for this, paying for that,etc etc. He said that I threw the fact that I make more money to his face all the time. All I did was tell him 'I can't afford this right now and if you don't have the money to get it, then we're not getting it.' I was being honest and really frustrated. He was there in other ways. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Despite all the problems, I knew that no matter what we would be alright. That was my back bone, my support system. It came to the point that I didn't care he made $10 an hour, I didn't care that he really didn't bring any money in. I just wanted him to be there for me, the kids, our home, our family. I knew he felt like crap about it, but I always told him and tried to show him how much I believe in him, how much I support him, and have faith in him, in us. I loved his kids, took care of them like my own, loved his family, and went out of my way, above and beyond to make everyone happy. We set a date in May and started planning the wedding.
About 2 1/2 weeks ago, he said 'I want to marry you but i can't'. I don't want to be Mr. ____ my last name. I want to move out and make it out on my own. But I still want us to continue dating, but I can't promise you what's going to happen - and I want to stay here till I find an apt'. I'm going to spare you the whole bid of my reaction. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried...and cried. Every minute I've felt a different way. I'm angry, sad, one day I want to be with him, another day I can't stand seeing his face. I asked him to move out, and I agreed to have the kids stay with me until school finished. I'm regretting that decision now because I can't get my apt in order until they ALL move out. He was supposed to leave last weekend. He asked me if he could stay another week, and I agreed. I don't see him packing anything up and it's really pissing me off! I don't want to fight because I know it will get ugly and honestly I don't want MY SON to see that. But he's still there, he's still acting like everything is alright, he still wants to have sex, he's acting like he's the f---ng victim! Just think of the kids...that's what he tells me. What about MY kid! what about my sanity! what about MY life! I can't live like this! he can't even tell me that everything is going to be ok. I don't like uncertainty. I like Plan A, Plan B, Plan C. To me, it seems like he's milking it right now, until he fnds his own place, God knows WHEN, living rent free, still having me cooking and cleaning. What the hell! I'm sooo angry today! How do I get him out without having this get ugly! 6 f-ing years! WASTED!
today is an angry day. My fiance and I recently just called off our wedding (just 6 weeks before the date). Well, actually, he called it off. Just a little background on this, we've been together for 6 years. He's got 2 kids, I got one. We have a lot of history together. He's the dreamer, I'm the doer...really, Type A personality, I make the money, I'm the mom, the housekeeper, the friend, the lover, etc etc etc. Our main arguments were always about money and his video game playing. Call me crazy but a 38 year old man shouldn't be wasting hours upon hours in front of an x-box. And the money. He's never made as much as me, but he had a hard time getting it through his head that I paid all the bills so stop asking me for stuff like a new car, flat screen TV, a home theatre system, paying for this, paying for that,etc etc. He said that I threw the fact that I make more money to his face all the time. All I did was tell him 'I can't afford this right now and if you don't have the money to get it, then we're not getting it.' I was being honest and really frustrated. He was there in other ways. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Despite all the problems, I knew that no matter what we would be alright. That was my back bone, my support system. It came to the point that I didn't care he made $10 an hour, I didn't care that he really didn't bring any money in. I just wanted him to be there for me, the kids, our home, our family. I knew he felt like crap about it, but I always told him and tried to show him how much I believe in him, how much I support him, and have faith in him, in us. I loved his kids, took care of them like my own, loved his family, and went out of my way, above and beyond to make everyone happy. We set a date in May and started planning the wedding.
About 2 1/2 weeks ago, he said 'I want to marry you but i can't'. I don't want to be Mr. ____ my last name. I want to move out and make it out on my own. But I still want us to continue dating, but I can't promise you what's going to happen - and I want to stay here till I find an apt'. I'm going to spare you the whole bid of my reaction. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried...and cried. Every minute I've felt a different way. I'm angry, sad, one day I want to be with him, another day I can't stand seeing his face. I asked him to move out, and I agreed to have the kids stay with me until school finished. I'm regretting that decision now because I can't get my apt in order until they ALL move out. He was supposed to leave last weekend. He asked me if he could stay another week, and I agreed. I don't see him packing anything up and it's really pissing me off! I don't want to fight because I know it will get ugly and honestly I don't want MY SON to see that. But he's still there, he's still acting like everything is alright, he still wants to have sex, he's acting like he's the f---ng victim! Just think of the kids...that's what he tells me. What about MY kid! what about my sanity! what about MY life! I can't live like this! he can't even tell me that everything is going to be ok. I don't like uncertainty. I like Plan A, Plan B, Plan C. To me, it seems like he's milking it right now, until he fnds his own place, God knows WHEN, living rent free, still having me cooking and cleaning. What the hell! I'm sooo angry today! How do I get him out without having this get ugly! 6 f-ing years! WASTED!

etsakonas, i understand where you are coming from. i was the principal breadwinner in my last relationship too and my ex- said and did similar things. sometimes it's hard for certain men to accept that they aren't the sole providers, and they want to be. they want to be able to take pride in the fact that they can do that. i think that was a major reason for my ex- to have an emotional affair and then leave me for another co-worker.
right now, it's okay to be angry. let yourself feel the full extent of the emotional rollercoaster that you are on. emotions aren't meant to be rationale. you really need to kick him out. it's not good for your son to see him day after day in the house when the relationship is on the outs. you are exactly right, he is milking it for all it's worth. it's up to you to cut the ties if you know he isn't sure about marry you. he needs to figure himself out first before he's even ready to commit to marriage.
have you thought of going to couples' counseling together? it may help work things out.
Welcome to the board etsakonas,
I don't even know where to start....but how did you guys make it to 6 yrs with the blatant incompatibility?