Need to Rant; would like some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Need to Rant; would like some advice
3
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:11pm
Hey there anyone...

I'm not any different than anyone else going through a breakup. So far it's lonely, it's depressing- pretty much overall just sucks. I'm going to give some background on what's going on with me- and am open to any advice..........

I dated a guy - I'll call him "Jake" when I was younger (21) after coming out of a terrible 2 year relationship with a guy I'll call "Dan". The beginning part of my relationship with "Jake" was pushed to the brink numerous times due to my issues with my previous relationship. Even resulted in "Jake" cheating on me becuase he was assuming I was still sleeping with my ex (and I wasn't). But, I wanted to make it work with "Jake."

"Jake" was everything I'd ever wanted in a guy- tall, handsome, charming, chivalrous, sensitive> blah blah blah- the list could go on :) We dated; and brushed very close to marriage during our 3 year relationship.

Our relationship didn't work out for numerous reasons. The biggest being I thought "Jake" was far too emotionally detatched and pretty much just placating me. So, being the ever self gratifying person that I am- found the solice in another man; I'll call him "Tony".

I hurt "Jake" very badly with our breakup. We parted ways somewhat badly and he eventually left the state.

I dated "Tony" for 4 years. Our relationship was tumultous and sometimes abusive.

It's over as well- and I've never looked back. All the while though, "Jake" and I kept in touch via email and phone. After being single for about 6 months after my relationship with "Tony" ended- "Jake" came up to visit. The long weekend was wonderful. Both sides agreed it was like he'd never left- we'd talked things over (about the "Tony" issue) and decided since both of us had "grown up", maybe we'd like to give us another shot, even though he was living in another state. We made the concessions for long distance relationships and saw each other as often as we could over the last year.

He claimed he "loved me". He said it on his own from the airport in Florida when calling to let me know he'd made it safely home from his 3rd trip here. Plans were made to have him come back here to be with me. Marriage was discussed again. Things were progressing smoothly.

Then a trip here 3 weeks ago changed everything.

The trip began as any other had- we were VERY happy to see each other; we saw his family and mine. We enjoyed each other.

But night 2 into the vacation- a bit too much alcohol had "Jake's" tongue wagging. To make a very long story short- he started berating me about me ex "Dan". It went on for hours. He acted incredibly wounded, he was very emotional. He was crying about how badly I'd hurt him. Stunned, to say the least- I attempted to rectify the situation in any way I could- I tried to speak rationally, I tried to console, I apologized.

It finally ended and the next day when he was sober, we tried to talk it out.

Now without the alcohol induced courage, he went back to himself- more guarded and detached- which I promptly pointed out as being one of the issues on why we had broken up 5 years ago...It seemed like the prior evening was not going to be something we could get over.

I would have liked an explanation on how if all of these feelings were so valid- why didn't they ever affect him before- for why would you start planning a life with a woman (again) if you truly felt she'd hurt you that badly?

I gave him the chance to fix it; or in better terms- allow him to work with me to fix it. He wouldn't. He claimed there was "too much history there and he didn't think he could". I explained to him that he could do anything if it was important enough to him- but since I obviously wasn't important enough to work on/for/towards, I told him> for my own sanity that when he got on the plane this time- it had to be goodbye- no more calling and "keeping in touch" this time- for since he didn't trust me; he didn't deserve me. He said fine-

We haven't spoken since.

I'm feeling very emotional about this. This was the "man of my dreams" to be corny. I'd been planning a life with him (this time as a mature 28 year old woman, not as a marriage crazed 23 year old girl).

I haven't been able to "reach out" to anyone about this. I am the "strong" one in my group of friends> and even thought I'd like to talk to someone about it, they all suddenly seem to be very self involved in their own lives and don't pay much attention to the fact that I'm hurting.

Thus, I'm venting to you :)

I want him back. My heart aches. But my head is saying that he might reject me based on his foolish pride and I'd be hurt even more.

Suggestions?

Oh- sorry it was so long- and thanks for being interested..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:58am
Forget about him.

You love a man who has already cheated on you and then blamed you for his choice to be unfaithful. Even if he did assume you were sleeping with your ex, that still didn't give him the right to go out and cheat on you in retaliation. Nevertheless, it sounds like he has a set of very warped values to me. Do you honestly want to be with a man who obviously believes in "payback" or playing "tit for tat"?

Beyond that, history has repeated itself in that one of the very issues that led to your break-up five years ago, has once again contributed to another break-up (whatever doesn't get resolved almost always resurfaces at some point in the future).

You gave him the opportunity to work things out with you and he chose not to. You told him it would have to be good-bye and no further contact. So far, he has chosen to respect your decision.

The best thing you can do in this situation is move on and find a man who will be faithful to you based upon his own core value system, not upon "if you'll be faithful to me, I'll be faithful to you. But if I even *think* you're cheating on me, I'm going to cheat on you."

Take care and be strong.

Heymum







iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:11am
Thanks HeyMum- your advice was very sound and logical.

And I do know that what you are saying is entirely true.

I have logic and reason on my side here in the reasoning for choosing to end it, but that doesn't make the hurt go away any faster.

I'll get over it, I was just wondering if an unbiased 3rd party was seeing something I wasn't.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:50pm
The "too much history" thing seems like a cop-out, but speaking from experience, it really can be hard to overcome. My ex and I broke up once before the last breakup, and there was a lot of unresolved anger/bitterness/sadness associated with that first breakup. My ex was very understanding, he wanted to do anything at all to work it through and get past it (including letting me hit him : ), for being immature and passive-agressive by pretending everything was great and then suddenly running away). Of course, it usually takes 2 to cause any relationship problem, so we both had apologies to make and feelings on the other side to soothe. We really did talk and try to work it through. But, when he let me down again, and I was contemplating breaking up with him over another issue, all the old pain and loss and sense of betrayal from the first breakup came back to me, it was like this echo of unresolved feelings from before, and I am sure that that contributed to us breaking up rather than working it out this time. Sometimes, try as you might, you really cannot let some things go, even if you think you've gotten past them. I was very surprised to be feeling that way, I thought I'd long ago forgiven him, but it's hard to really forget, and you can be surprised and overwhelmed by unresolved hangups from a prior time. I'm sorry you went through it, I'd say it's probably not his fault or his intent to hurt you by getting hung up on the old breakup, but it may be out of anyone's power to resolve.