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|Tue, 10-08-2013 - 8:24pm|
Please help me to see my situation clearly and to find a path that will lead me to feeling better. If it weren't for the connection I have with my children, I would feel nearly desperate with loneliness, even though by most outside measures I am a capable woman.
I have been married 30 years and at times my husband and I have had great differences and difficulties as a result. Up until about 2001, we had nasty skirmishes over his substance abuse and partying. Then at about that time, I put my foot down and told him that I would leave with our precious two little girls if he didn't stop the partying. Thank God, he stopped those troubling behaviors and kept our children out of the associated risks. Regardless, our difficulties did not end there.
My husband seemed to resent me being the paryt-pooper, at times acted openly hostile about it all and also made apparent a level of indifference towards me. I had inklings I should end things with him, but not only would it have been complicated, I feared my husband would return to the habits that could harm our daughters. I stayed, we re-connected somewhat. But then I became re-acquainted with my first love of 28 years earlier. I considered a romantic affair with this man, but despite some heady emotions I declined. Out of a sense of honesty and fairness, I told my husband about this other man. Right or worng, my husband blew his top and then proceeded to publicly shame me by accusing me of all sorts of vile things with this other man. My husband later apologized and once again we stuck it out as a couple and a family. We are a good family, but certainly things could be better. My husband and I are codial with one another so there's little dissension that the children have to deal with.
But here is the crux of the matter... From about the time I re-connected with that other man (now out of the picture long, long ago), my husband's pride seems wounded (I'm guessing that is what is going on, but I can't be sure because he won't talk to me--believe you me, I have tried many, many times) and my eyes have been opened to another sort of man. For the past almost seven years, there's been no warmth, no intimacy, no sex in my marriage. We tried counseling. It helped on the day to day task level, but not on the emotional level.
I am and have for a long time been away from my home and children weekdays from 6:30 in the morning until 6 or so in the evening due to work, exercise and errands. In the evening I have taken care of the children. My husband is home usually a little after 8 p.m. from his job and workout (he goes to work at about 11:30 a.m.--yes, his days are considerably shorter than mine). Due to our schedule, I've lost contact with any friends or other social outlets. I AM ALONE, LONELY, AND SAD IN MY MARRIAGE AND ELSEWHERE.
Now, with the youngest daughter graduating from high school in a year and a half, my husband is planning a retirement -- I don't know if it's his or ours. He inherited some money and wants to sell our home and use the equity to purchase a less expensive home several hours away and fully fund this retirement. He's searching for this new home without my input. He can't answer what the financial plan -- let alone health care plan-- is for me. I am four years younger and now age 55. I do earn about double his income.
Should I follow my husband on this retirement path? Should I stick it out alone?
What is the path to companionship, happiness, and security?