need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
need some advice
14
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:25pm

I was dating this guy for about six months and everything was great. We never had any problems. Our schedules were rough, but he always made it a point to come and see me. We live a little less than an hour away from each other. Then a week ago he broke up with me out of nowhere. He was recently laid off from his job and I know he was stressing about that. His reasons for breaking up were that he needed to focus on getting a job and that he couldn't be in a relationship right now cuz he didn't know when or how much he would be able to see me. He said he wanted us to still talk on the phone and text each other. He also said that he wanted to see me still and that he hopes that once he got everything settled and worked out, that things would go back to how they were. The next day he called me and said he missed me and he would try to see me in a couple days. The day after that I called him and texted him to find out if he was still coming out here. About twelve hours later he texted me back. All it said was "i cant come out there tomorrow." I asked why and he never responded. So the next day I spent wondering and it drove me crazy. I kept calling him and texting him. Finally he called me back. He was mad that I called so much. Which I was out of control, I know. That feeling of wondering and not knowing was making me crazy. He said the same things he did when he broke up with me a week ago. He told me that if we lived closer even that we would have never broke up. He said that right now he needs to focus on my job and he needs space to do that. Space? To me that sounded like he was trying to let me down easy. So I kept persisting him to tell me if this was it for good. He said he hopes not but that for right now we can't be officially together cuz he does not have much time and feels like a jerk when he breaks plans with me and that its not fair to either of us. We had plans to see each other the next day and he said he would let me know because he was mad that I was acting crazy calling a million times.

The next morning he texts me and says he can't come because he got a job interview. He also said he would try to come out here in a few days. So I texted him back with my schedule for the week. He never responded.

I called him an hour ago and he didn't answer. I left him a message asking how the interview went and to call me when he got my message.

I am making myself crazy over this. It seems like he is blowing me off. Then I dont know what to think cuz he went on for so long about how that wasnt what he was trying to do. Every time I have talked to him in the last week I asked him was he trying to let me down easy and he kept saying no. He said if he felt like that he would absolutely tell me.

What should I do now? I know I should not keep contacting him, but I am so confused.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board girlwonder26,


I think you will find the following interesting reading and it should help you:


When he asks for space (aka, "a break")

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:58pm

Let it go. Some men just aren't good at multi-tasking and it seems he is one of them. I truly believe that if a relationship is right and meant to be, he would find a way to do both (job hunt and be with you) but he's not doing that, so you need to assume it's over and move on. He may or may not come back after this issue is resolved, but if he does, you'll have to consider whether you want someone who turns away from you at times of adversity rather than towards you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 3:11pm
Yeah i think the same way that if it was right he would find a way to do both. That is what I would tell my friends. Somehow I can't convince myself of that. If he would have just said that this is it, we are done, then it would be easier. I feel like he is leading me on and it sucks.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 3:23pm

Well, if that is the way he typically handles things, he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it--I'm sure he thinks, oh I can focus on her once I get my job situation settled, she'll just have to wait. So I doubt he is intentionally leading you on.

But if that's not acceptable to you, it's not, and I don't blame you one bit if it's not. But it's up to you to decide your boundaries and enforce them.

It would be one thing if you'd just started dating but 6 months into it, your bond should be more solid (IMO).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:46pm

Sigh.

Myspace Codes

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:55pm

Some men truly ARE capable of doing both and if that's what I or the OP or anyone else wants, then it's not wrong. We all get to want what we want, even if that means the dating pool is smaller than it would be otherwise.

I'm seeing someone right now who was going through this (he started a new job yesterday) and while he got really down about job hunting and being flat broke, and he did pull away a BIT from time to time (but never for more than a day), he never stopped letting me know I was important to him and sharing what he was going through. That's the type of guy I want and I don't think that's a bad thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:01pm
Thanks for the replies. I agree that he needs to get his stuff sorted out. I just don't understand why he won't return my calls. we had plans for this whole weekend to go away with some friends. The day we officially broke up he said he still wanted me to go. Then a couple days ago which was the last time i talked to him he said he wanted to see how this week went first. So now i managed to get this weekend off of work, and don't know whats going on yet. I would obviously love to see him but i don't want to sit around all upset if i dont. When do you think i should make other plans if i dont hear from him? i dont want to wait til friday, but im praying i wont have to.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 10:33am

I would make a "Plan B"--what will you do this weekend if you don't hear from him or if he changes his mind about you coming with him? Once you decide that, then you'll know how soon you need to implement that plan.

But honestly, do you really want to accept crumbs? I would let him get his stuff sorted out without you. If and when he decides he's ready to be in a relationship with you, then you can see how you feel.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:39pm
Well he sent me a text last night that said...nothing is up, i have just been really busy for two days. will call you tomorrow sometime.......So now i am pathetically attached to my cell phone waiting.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:42pm

Ok, so now you will have a chance to see if he will do what he says he's going to do. If he doesn't call today, then you'll have your answer and you can make other plans for this weekend.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this--it's no fun waiting for a call!

Sheri

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