need some advice
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need some advice
| Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:16pm |
Hello everyone,
I have been just a spectator here for the last week and a half. I have actually just sat here and read through all of the posts and found some comfort after reading some of the responses. I have recently gotten out of a relationship, (recently as in 2 months ago, I guess it's not that recent.) Anyway we dated for a year and a half when I was 19, we broke up because we just were too young and still needed to see what else was out there. A year and a half later he came back into my life and we dated for more than 2 years. I can't even say bad things about him. We broke because after two years he wanted to do his own thing during the weekends. It was weird, he always talked about marriage and all of that stuff, and I was always hesitant about all that. When I finally started to feel like that's what I wanted he started to change. Now when I look back I do see he changed a lot, but when I was in it I didn't even see it. After he sprung the whole lets do our own thing on the weekend, I said if that's what you want then we have to break up and he agreed. I know it seems so simple, but it hurt so much. This guy who said all of these wonderful things all of a sudden changed one day. I always thought we were too different, he never worked hard for anything in his life, he settled for a low paying job and always spent time dreaming about what he was going to spend his next paycheck on. I argued for over 4 years with my family, because they felt he wasn't good enough for me, but still I overlooked ALL of his faults and thought "but we love each other!" Well I guess I can definately be an idiot at times. Now, I'm here, totally not over it, I know it's the right thing and know we will never get back together because I will not let it, (then again I said that after we broke up the first time), nonethless he's still in my mind. I'm ok at times, I think to myself, I have a good job, good family, am going to continue to get my masters, have these plans to buy a beach house, then I think what's wrong with me that he wouldn't want to be around. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do think that it's not fair, I was going to settle for less even though I don't deserve it. It also doesn't help that now that I'm finally stuck on not talking to him and getting over it, he calls me all the time. I don't get it! It's like I'm fine one minute and then he calls, I even went as far as deleting his number from my phone and keeping my phone away from me when I'm home, but when I go pick it up to call someone his number is there. Why is he doing this, I guess he wants it all, or just keeping me around so that when he changes his mind I won't be too far!? - I don't know! What do I do, I try to think of negative things he did, but he really has never done anything bad to me, actually quite the opposite. Well I'm sorry, I just went on and on. I know what I have to do, but how do I do it without thinking of him, or being with him or having everything in my house remind me of him. He also lives two houses down the street, so it's not like I can avoid him forever.
I definately welcome any advice I receive. Thank you for taking the time to read this very long and confusing post.
P.S. I wish everyone a very happy New Year!
I have been just a spectator here for the last week and a half. I have actually just sat here and read through all of the posts and found some comfort after reading some of the responses. I have recently gotten out of a relationship, (recently as in 2 months ago, I guess it's not that recent.) Anyway we dated for a year and a half when I was 19, we broke up because we just were too young and still needed to see what else was out there. A year and a half later he came back into my life and we dated for more than 2 years. I can't even say bad things about him. We broke because after two years he wanted to do his own thing during the weekends. It was weird, he always talked about marriage and all of that stuff, and I was always hesitant about all that. When I finally started to feel like that's what I wanted he started to change. Now when I look back I do see he changed a lot, but when I was in it I didn't even see it. After he sprung the whole lets do our own thing on the weekend, I said if that's what you want then we have to break up and he agreed. I know it seems so simple, but it hurt so much. This guy who said all of these wonderful things all of a sudden changed one day. I always thought we were too different, he never worked hard for anything in his life, he settled for a low paying job and always spent time dreaming about what he was going to spend his next paycheck on. I argued for over 4 years with my family, because they felt he wasn't good enough for me, but still I overlooked ALL of his faults and thought "but we love each other!" Well I guess I can definately be an idiot at times. Now, I'm here, totally not over it, I know it's the right thing and know we will never get back together because I will not let it, (then again I said that after we broke up the first time), nonethless he's still in my mind. I'm ok at times, I think to myself, I have a good job, good family, am going to continue to get my masters, have these plans to buy a beach house, then I think what's wrong with me that he wouldn't want to be around. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do think that it's not fair, I was going to settle for less even though I don't deserve it. It also doesn't help that now that I'm finally stuck on not talking to him and getting over it, he calls me all the time. I don't get it! It's like I'm fine one minute and then he calls, I even went as far as deleting his number from my phone and keeping my phone away from me when I'm home, but when I go pick it up to call someone his number is there. Why is he doing this, I guess he wants it all, or just keeping me around so that when he changes his mind I won't be too far!? - I don't know! What do I do, I try to think of negative things he did, but he really has never done anything bad to me, actually quite the opposite. Well I'm sorry, I just went on and on. I know what I have to do, but how do I do it without thinking of him, or being with him or having everything in my house remind me of him. He also lives two houses down the street, so it's not like I can avoid him forever.
I definately welcome any advice I receive. Thank you for taking the time to read this very long and confusing post.
P.S. I wish everyone a very happy New Year!

You should really give thanks to God for having given you the brains and heart to learn what you have at such a young age. I am serious about this. You have so much time to get over things and date and get married and have kids one day. Maybe that doesn't make you feel better now, but one day it might.
Anyway, one thing that I have learned about men is that most (about 98% - this is my number not related to statistics) aren't ready to get married in their 20's (is your EX close to your age?). So please don't fall into the trap of hearing him say things you want to hear instead of things he means. He is young and so are you so date others, see what happens. At the end of the day, family, who has an objective view of the person you are dating, will have smart opinions about them. So you are right to have listened to them.
You can't say anything bad about your boyfriend now, but it doesn’t mean you will be happy with him always, right? When we are young, opposites attract us; as we get older, we look for others who are more like us because it works out better that way. I was 20 when I started seeing my EX and we stayed together for 12 years. I can't tell you how the difference in personalities, value, morals, everything has turned us around. Now we are no longer together. I think we both knew we weren’t the ones for each other but since we loved one another, we stayed together. This brings me to my next point. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. It is an important element but along with that, a good relationship needs: trust, honesty, good communication, similar morals and values, and compatibility to name a few.
Of course he calls you. He probably cares for you as he would for any other good friend. I'm sure he misses the friendship if not more. Don't wait for him to do anything bad to convince you that you shouldn't be together. It sounds to me like you already know this but need some validation.
As you have read, no contact is the best policy.
Dear Miss Marina,
Sweet girl, I feel your pain. Even though this hurts like a you-know-what, be thankful. I know that sounds a bit nuts, but you just got out of a wrong relationship. He's just not the right one for you. He may be a great guy with a good heart and loads of potential, but he's just not the one for you. Be thankful that you can see that now. It must be so difficult to have him calling all the time and living so close. Ouch. You are doing the right things. Stay strong. Give yourself time. Keep looking ahead and moving forward. You, beautiful one, are on your way to a Master's degree and a beach house! You have a great life in front of you, and no doubt there is a fantastic man waiting there for you. But, you won't be able to see him if you are looking back at the wrong guy.
While it might sound extreme, don't rule out moving to another part of town. Really. Change is a great thing. And you never know what fabulous surprises can come from it. With a new place comes a new phone number, right? ;) Two birds...one stone. It's not running away or avoiding him, but more of a move forward and the opening a new chapter in life. If a move isn't possible, paint your apartment or rearrange the furniture so you feel like you are coming into a new wonderful place. Remove the reminders and fill those gaps with happy new memories. Your friends and family will help you with that.
Good luck in getting over him and my very best wishes for a happy new year filled with joy, success and lots of love!
Cheers,
Sandra
Author, A GIRFRIEND'S GUIDE TO GETTING OVER HIM
Dear Smilingal,
Thank you so much for replying! I know you are right in everything you said, it's just hard to really feel better even if you know you are doing the right thing. I know you are so right when you wrote, "love is not enough", even though I knew that when I was in the relationship it was so easy for me to just focus on the we love each other stuff. I know I will be ok, but even though I try to stay positive there's always something in the back of my mind. It also doesn't help that I have a voicemail he left last night on my phone but I don't want to hear it. If I listen to it, I think I probably will call back and so I figure that if I don't listen to it the feeling will go away. The truth is, is that I don't want to talk to him, because it won't help me. At the same time, I feel like what if I needed to talk to him and he didn't call me back. That would break my heart. Well I think I just answered my own question... it's not about him anymore, and I shouldn't depend on him for anything. (You asked if he was my age, he's going to be 24, and I'll be 25 in a month.) Again thank you for the support, I know years from now I'll think back on this and hopefully be happy.
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for those kind words. All I can say is... I know you are right, I feel like that's all I can say to everyone but it still hurts. I guess that's part of the whole healing process. I don't know if I would go as far as moving just yet because I think that would stress me out more, but I did get a puppy and am going to try to just go to the gym and hang out with positive people. On the outside I can put up such a big front, but honestly I'm just tired of feeling like this, and I know he's not. He does his own thing and is living his life as much as he can, atleast that's what he says on most of his voicemails he leaves me. I feel ok most of the time, but sometimes it all comes down on me.
Anyway, thank you again for replying and I like what you said about looking forward and not back or I'll miss what's coming.
Have a great night.
Dear Miss Rina,
Hang in there. The pain will get better. Here are the 10 Steps I wrote for getting over him:
1. GET OUT OF HIS HEAD - Don't try to figure out what he's thinking...chances are even he doesn't know.
2. DON'T LOOK FOR ANSWERS BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS - Love is not logical, so trying to figure it out is nearly impossible.
3. DON'T HONOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH PAIN - Don't try to equate how much the relationship meant with how badly you are hurting.
4. DON'T PICK THE SCAB - If you keep poking at the booboo, it will keep hurting and won't heal properly.
5. ACCEPT THE TRUTH - The truth is that relationship wasn't the right one, and the truth is you will find one that's right.
6. HARNESS THE POWER OF "SO WHAT?" - So what if he seems to be moving forward? So what about him and what he does? He's part of the past. Look on to the future!
7. KNOW YOUR WORTH - You are worth more than feeling terrible. You are worth grandly celebrating!
8. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR POWER! - Don't make the late-night, three-apple-martini phone call, or send "The Letter"...email or otherwise.
9. LEARN THE LESSON, LOSE THE REST - This will truly set you free. Be grateful for what you learned...and you will never make the same mistakes again.
10. MOVE ON - Whether that is dating again, or taking a class or vacation you've been meaning to, move forward with your life. There's a whole lot of good out there waiting for you.
"The Ground Rules" of A GIRLFRIEND'S GUIDE TO GETTING OVER HIM are posted on the Single and Dating section of iVillage. Read those over, too. They help remind you that you are the priority in this. And this isn't about being right...it's about you being happy.
I wish you well, and hope your heart will heal quickly. I can't wait to hear about the next great chapter in your life! I really hope you have a truly great weekend.
Cheers,
Sandra