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Need some advice
| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 7:07pm |
Recently, about 3 weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We had lived together for only 6 months, but we had been in an on again off again relationship for 4 years. This time around, he began to choose alcohol and friends over his own girlfriend. We have been broken up now for 3 weeks and seems like its getting easier...Since I was the one who suggested we leave one another. But now he seems like he is completely fine with it, telling everyone that he's single and ready to mingle and well because of stuff that is said like that, it makes me have off days and kind of stay to myself and cry. I'm usually a real strong person, but as he has moved on so quickly, he shows me that he really didn't care much about our relationship in the first place. I'm just curious does anyone have any advice for me. To help me move on. I understand it takes time, but what can keep my mind off of how horribly he treated me and look into my own future now. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know. Thank you!!

To help you heal faster, I'd ignore his behavior. It's possible that during yur relationship there were issues that may have been similar to the one that made you stop seeing him. Being on and off for 4 years means that there is something in the relationship that doesn't quit allow a good one. He has an addition and addictions take over a person's mind and behavior. Perhaps, the behavior that he's exhibiting now is one that he had before, so why be susprised with the news that he's ready to mingle now? It appears that he is free to enjoy what he likes...alcohol and friends. You were never a priority to him and that's why you broke it off. Let him be and enjoy the life he's chosen.
I'd focus on MY needs at this moment. Take care of yourself and don't look back. You know that the relationship was not a good one for you, as it didn't fulfill your needs.
juneabutt...
Pianoguy's only suggestion is for you is this:
Re-remind yourself of the reason(s) you chose to break up with the man in the first place. What he says to his buddies or to others who knew you both (as a couple) really DOESN'T matter!
You've moved on.
Don't waste your time worrying about the decision to break-up! You made 'the call' because you felt it was the only choice you had.
NOW CHEER UP!
Pianoguy
Well.....I first want to say congratulations for taking the step and breaking away from someone who wasn't putting you first. My ex did the same thing by putting liquor and his buddies before me and I put up with it and ended up getting dumped and heartbroken over it. Feel good that you made the first step in moving on to a better life. You are still in the beginning stage of a break up and it is going to take some time before you get your emotions back in tact but you will do it. It has been 4 months since my break up and I still have some days where the pain can be so unbearable but no contact and staying far away from his house and friends helps a lot. I am in the anger stage right now and I have been told that is one of the last stages I will go through during a break up so I am hoping my days will get better and better after this stage passes. Take this time and don't worry what he is doing or thinking (he is not worth it)and concentrate on YOU. You are a much better person than he is and one day if he is smart enough, he will realize it and see what he has lost.
Things that helped me move on is taking everything out of my house that he gave me or reminded me of him and trashed it all except the diamond necklace and that went to a pawn shop. I still have the computer desk and chair he gave me only because I need them both. I am also moving to another state and buying a house in a neighborhood that is better for my daughter and I and I can be closer to my family and friends. Speaking of friends, spend a lot of time with them rather they are married or single. They are going to be your biggest supporters along with family members. Lastly, take some time to yourself and "reconnect" with yourself as being single. You have been part of a couple for a long time and now you need to tell yourself that "I can be a whole person without being a half a couple".
Hope this helps and I wish you the best during your healing process.
Here's a few things to think about to help with the process....
Him choosing friends and alcohol is about his addictive personaility not about you. You couldn't do enough, be enough to change him, modify his behavior or prevent his choices. You are NOT less than because of his words, choices, actions or behavior.
He's rationalizing the break-up instead of feeling it. It's his coping mechanism. Eventually, his feelings will catch up with him OR he will continue to suppress those feelings. The ways he copes, the things he says, even his behavior has nothing to do with you or how he felt about you and the relationship with you.
I saved the following story that Pinky posted on these boards ages ago, hopefully, it will help you.
Think of your relationship like a big house that has been demolished. What do you do next? You can't live in the house any more! So you decide to clear up the mess (emotion), brick by brick, it takes a bit of time, but you liked living in that big house so you guess it's worth the effort. Then there's a big hole in the ground that needs to be filled up again. You start this process by making new friends who are happy to help you rebuild your new big house, so it's bigger and better than it was before.
Your ex has decided that he's going to build on top of all the rubble (denial), he/she can't be bothered to take time out to clear up all the mess. So off he/she goes, building on top of the old house. He/She acknowledges that the structure is a little wobbly but he/she says that it will do for him right now.
The storm hits. Guess whose house is still standing?
Your house is built on a solid foundation. His/Her house is a big fake "paper house", yours a big strong stone structure. Now tell me who's going to have the better future? It's up to you to decide.
Carrie
Be glad you broke up first, you got a head start on healing. I got mad once at my boyfriend's sexy messages from a girl, said, are you bored, do you want to start seeing other people? And made him drive me home at midnight.
I should have broke up right then. He cried and wanted to stay together and less than a month later he cheated on me, not by accident by planning.
I wish I had broken up when I felt him losing interest, instead of waiting for him to just become a jerk and hurt me. Ugh.
Imagine you are your boyfriend, and you have his ego. Of course you have to put a front on for the guys. You won't imagine how my ex bragged to his friends about his rebound sex, and then dumped the girl less than a week later. He was with me 10 months. Nuff said.
Guys will boast and look for ego boosts, just don't take it personally. What is he going to say, she dumped me, I'm a loser?
I MADE my ex break it off and in a way that was the only good thing. I didn't have to take responsibility and second-guess myself, and he can tell his friends he did it.
Whatever!
Hugs to you.