In need of some advice
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| Fri, 09-30-2005 - 2:20am |
I normally lurk on this board and have for the past year and a half, I have posted a few times but normally I just lurk and try to glean advice and support from knowing other people are going through things like I am. But now I honestly find myself in between the proverbial rock and a wall. I do not know how to get over something I know I do not need in my life. I have tried in the past and I keep falling into the same trap. Here is my story....
I have been dating my ex for the past 3 1/2 years and through all that time he has never supported me. When I moved out of our apartment it was because he did something utterly disrespectful. He guilted me into having sex with him even though I had a migraine and even when I started crying and left the room, when I came back he didnt say a word to me. Not even the next day or anytime after that. He just acted like everything was normal and I ended up moving out because this was the last straw for me. A year before we had broken up and he begged me to come back, saying he was going to change, that we would get married, and things would be vastly improved. But they did not. I can think back on many times that he was not there to support me, such as the time my father died, I had a miscarriage, and he went to Texas for the week to do some business dealings with his cousin. Then there was the time he had some older lady living with him who he swears was just a friend but I was never allowed to be around when she was. Then there is the fact that he lives with his sister and nephew who just moved here from Pakistan, so culturally it is hard to get along with them sometimes. Then there is the time that I had to move him, his sister, his nephew, and myself with little to no help from him or his friends (who he swore were coming and never did show until I tricked them into coming. He was in England on business). I had a broken arm from the fall down the stairs 2 weeks earlier and I moved most of the things myself. These are just the major disappointments and do not even touch on the minor ones such as when he would choose others over me even though he "loved" me and I was the most "important" thing to him. So I broke up with him and started dating someone new 2 months after we broke up. This guy was all that my ex was not. He was sweet, sensitive, supportive but he had some of his own issues such as he just came back from the war in Iraq and has post traumatic stress syndrome.
Anyways I started thinking I wanted my ex back after I talked to him one day where he was being sweet (I just blew him off because of the new guy) and the new guy started freaking out because the medication he was on was not working for him. I broke it off with him and tried to get back with the ex. He said he had a hard time accepting me back because I left him and went and saw someone else. But we started to see each other again and sleep with each other again all the while, him telling me he wasnt sure because he was afraid I would leave but that I needed to fight for him. I wasnt even able to stay over at his new house because he said that he didnt want it to remind him of me like the apartment did once I left. He went to Ireland 2 months after we started talking again. He went on business and normally when he would go away on these trips he would always call me or e-mail me everyday. This time he did not. He was gone for almost 2 weeks and he did not contact me so when he got back I told him how very hurt I was and how I did not want to be treated like a quasi girlfriend. I mean before he left for Ireland he was asking me my ring size! He told me he decided to think while he was there but he did not have any further answers about us. I told him he had to make a stand. Meanwhile I had started talking to the other guy who has been very supportive of me and even went with me to my high school reunion even though we are not together. I told my ex that he needed to make a choice, to either work things out with me or let me go because the uncertainty was hurting me too much. He said he could not give me what I need at this time but he couldnt let me go either. So we decided to mutually to end it. But I cant let go. It hurts so much, even after all of the bad unsuppotive things he has done, I still want him and I still love him. I have this other wonderful guy who is willing to be all those things to me and is more compatible with me. The other guy has the same values as I do and the same views on relationships and life. I feel passion with him. I care for him a lot. He does things for me because he cares, like going to my reunion, even though we were not together and he was not going to get anything out of it. Neither of these guys know about the other, all though my ex does know about the other guy somewhat. He keeps telling me to go back because the other guy can give me what I need for my life. I need to know how to let go of my ex because at this point and after all these years I cant seem to do it, even though I care for someone else. I do care for this other guy and when I am with him we always have a good time.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi alexxia77,
I agree with the other poster; you should take some time away from both of these guys to figure out what it is that you really want.
The best advice I can give you is to find a good counselor so you can figure out WHY you are obsessed with a man who cannot and will not give you what you want and deserve. I would venture to guess there are low self-esteem issues involved, and the only effective way I know to deal with those is with a professionally trained therapist.
In the meantime, you might try reading some books to see if you recognize yourself in them:
Women Who Love too Much by Robin Norwood
Obsessive Love by Susan Forward
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody
Sheri
I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. Hearing affirmations of things I know to be true makes me feel better.
I know a counselor would be a good idea but I have never been very good at opening up to one before. I had one for 2 years during and after a mentally abusive relationship. I just was never good at letting the counselor in enough to help. I am unable to do that with my family and friends as well. I never seem to trust people fully even if I am paying them a lot of money for that trust. So unfortunate for me I suffer heedlessly on my own, which in fact, feeds my depression. I do take medication for my depression but lately it doesnt seem to be working as well.
I know I need to stay away from the ex. I know that he is no good for me, possibly toxic and that I am not being fair to this other guy, which only makes me feel worse because I do care for him and I want to be with him. He has helped me to put a lot of things into perspective even though he may not realize it, just with the topics of conversation he brings up. He is very supportive and makes me very happy. I left this one for awhile to try to straighten things out with the ex and everything else but I was still friends with him. Then one day I told him I didnt want to talk to him for awhile, because that was hurting me too and I ended up in more conversations with him, which only endears him to me more since he has been such a help through this depression I have been going through. I honestly believe that you can care and possibly love 2 different men at the same time.
I just wish I could forget about this ex of mine. I want him off my mind and out of my heart. I have never been in a situation where I just couldnt just turn it off and leave. Sure it hurts for the first month but then things are different. I do not know what it is about him but I seem to keep coming back for more.