need some advice please...
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need some advice please...
| Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:26am |
Hey Everyone, I am new to this message board, and really glad I found it because I need help, or at least some insight and advice I guess.
Ok, here's my story I will try not to make it too incredibly long, but here goes. I am have been in love with the same guy for six years. We have dated on and off for about two. He has been in the military for three years now, and he is almost out. When I first started dating him, we were crazy about eachother, and he was literally the perfect boyfriend. Circumstances outside our control, due to other people (long story) forced us to break up. After that we dated on and off until he joined the military,and then he changed so much. At first it wasn't so bad, he was definitely different, but then he went to war in Iraq, and it made him into a completely different person. He is severely depressed now all the time, and all he does all day is drink. He keeps telling me he can't "feel" anything, and he feels really screwed up because he doesn't care about anybody or anything right now he just feels numb. I have tried to convince him to get help, but he refuses and says he will be fine once he gets out of the military.
And I know it's the completely wrong time, but I still really want to be with him, and be there for him. He says he won't do a long distance relationship, and he can't tell if he loves me anymore or not. He says he just wants to wait until he is out of the military, which is in four months, and then we can see what happens. All that was ok, but then he came home for Christmas, and didn't call me the entire time he was here, just sat at his house all depressed and stuff (according to a mutual friend). But I ended up calling him one night, and he ended up coming over and staying the night. Then when he left the next day he just looked at me and he was really sad, and then I didn't see him again before he left town. And now he just isn't talking to me at all. A week after he went back home, one of his friends called on his phone, and said my ex was passed out, and his friend started telling me how messed up my ex is in the head right now.
I don't know what to do at this point, I wrote my ex an email and told him I am just going to leave him alone for the time being, and if when he gets out of the military he would like to see me, he knows how to get a hold of me. But in the meantime, I am left feeling completely crushed once again. I know it's my own stupidity, but I love him more than I can even put into words. I know he isn't a bad person, which is what everyone keeps trying to say even though they don't know him. He is a good person with a lot of problems right now. I just don't know how to get on with my life. I can barely function anymore. I can't even get out of bad for half the day, and everything reminds me of him. This has gone on for six years, believe me I have tried to move on so many times, but I am just incapable, and I don't know why. I feel like this is just meant to be for some reason, but at the same time don't know if it will ever happen.
I have even been put on antidepressants multiple times, but I have severe allergic reactions to them, and now I have nothing to help me.
I just need someone who isn't going to tell me I am stupid and he is bad person. That is what my friends and family say, and it doesn't help me move on.
Anyone that has some advice please help, I am at my wit's end.
Ok, here's my story I will try not to make it too incredibly long, but here goes. I am have been in love with the same guy for six years. We have dated on and off for about two. He has been in the military for three years now, and he is almost out. When I first started dating him, we were crazy about eachother, and he was literally the perfect boyfriend. Circumstances outside our control, due to other people (long story) forced us to break up. After that we dated on and off until he joined the military,and then he changed so much. At first it wasn't so bad, he was definitely different, but then he went to war in Iraq, and it made him into a completely different person. He is severely depressed now all the time, and all he does all day is drink. He keeps telling me he can't "feel" anything, and he feels really screwed up because he doesn't care about anybody or anything right now he just feels numb. I have tried to convince him to get help, but he refuses and says he will be fine once he gets out of the military.
And I know it's the completely wrong time, but I still really want to be with him, and be there for him. He says he won't do a long distance relationship, and he can't tell if he loves me anymore or not. He says he just wants to wait until he is out of the military, which is in four months, and then we can see what happens. All that was ok, but then he came home for Christmas, and didn't call me the entire time he was here, just sat at his house all depressed and stuff (according to a mutual friend). But I ended up calling him one night, and he ended up coming over and staying the night. Then when he left the next day he just looked at me and he was really sad, and then I didn't see him again before he left town. And now he just isn't talking to me at all. A week after he went back home, one of his friends called on his phone, and said my ex was passed out, and his friend started telling me how messed up my ex is in the head right now.
I don't know what to do at this point, I wrote my ex an email and told him I am just going to leave him alone for the time being, and if when he gets out of the military he would like to see me, he knows how to get a hold of me. But in the meantime, I am left feeling completely crushed once again. I know it's my own stupidity, but I love him more than I can even put into words. I know he isn't a bad person, which is what everyone keeps trying to say even though they don't know him. He is a good person with a lot of problems right now. I just don't know how to get on with my life. I can barely function anymore. I can't even get out of bad for half the day, and everything reminds me of him. This has gone on for six years, believe me I have tried to move on so many times, but I am just incapable, and I don't know why. I feel like this is just meant to be for some reason, but at the same time don't know if it will ever happen.
I have even been put on antidepressants multiple times, but I have severe allergic reactions to them, and now I have nothing to help me.
I just need someone who isn't going to tell me I am stupid and he is bad person. That is what my friends and family say, and it doesn't help me move on.
Anyone that has some advice please help, I am at my wit's end.

I do NOT think you are stupid. and I do NOT believe he is a bad person. You are both just going through VERY difficult times. I think you were right to give him his space, when he needs you he will call. And if not, theres nothing you caan do about that either. But the milirary must be very difficult, if he cant feel or is numb. That makes me think of girls going through a break up. You feel numb. and like nothing matters, but you get over it. In time. He may just be having a very very hard time right now, and because you havent been able to be there for him ALL the time, he may feel like you arent the person to go to anymore. But you have to make sure, that when he comes home, your there for him. Maybe he doesnt need your life right now, maybe all he needs is your friendship and if it becomes more than that again thats Great. But you cant push him, and you cant push yourself.
If he was certain of his feelings for you, then it would be easier to tell you what to do. But since he is numb and confused and "messed up" in his head, its difficult to decide what to do. Theres always a chance that he`ll come back to you, Love you. But if he doesnt? Then what. You have to decide if YOU are worth it. Will you put yourself through all of it just to find out in the end that he doesnt Love you? I dont know what to tell you, only you can decide whether you want to hang on or let go. Whether you are going to be there for him when he comes home. And only HE knows whats best for him, and maybe right now the best thing is for him to feel numb and confused. Maybe thats his way of dealing with it. I dont know. Ive said everything I could. Whether any of it was of any help I dont now...But remember, you are NOT stupid, and he is NOT a bad person, no matter what ANYONE says.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this! We all know what heartache feels like here, so BIG HUG!
The thing that I wanted to encourage you to realize is that YOU can't save this guy. I certainly don't think he's a bad guy, but the depth of his depression is alarming. I think it's important for you to be there for him, but PLEASE PLEASE realize that he has to WANT to fix himself. He has to WANT to get help; you can't force it on him. I just don't want you to beat yourself up over his problems...because, as I think you know, they have nothing to do with you.
As far at the military aspect of things....I'm surprised he isn't getting counseling from them...I actually thought that was mandatory. One of my best friends has been to Iraq, and I've heard a lot of the same things from him as you're talking about with your guy. The things that my friend saw over there...and had to deal with...he would tell me that he HAD to just go numb. I know that the experience changed him A LOT...so much so that he will never be the same in many ways. BUT, with couseling, and TIME, I promise that does get better.
Anyway...like I said before, I think that it's important for you to be there for him, but try to let him come to you. If you haven't heard from him in awhile, I'd say in this case, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to reach out to him every now and then, see how he's doing, and encorage him to seek help in any way he can. If you really want to get over it, I'd say try the whole no contact thing, BUT, I really can't in good conscious tell you I think you should do that...because I wouldn't in this situation, for what that's worth. I just have such a heart and respect for men that have been damaged by war...it really strikes a chord in me. But please don't take his silence or inability to convey feelings right now make you feel rejected. I know it's hard NOT to, but I don't think that what's going on with him right now reflects at all how he is feeling about you. Give it some time, and be strong!
Heya gurl!
You seem miserable...I felt like that when I had a fight wit one of my male friends...first upset, then angry, then plain crazy....but the whole time i felt LOST...
I'm only 13, but i think i can help you out...
This man was in a war...of course he changed! Suppose yourself seeing soumbody die...or get shot...maybe a friend? Or maybe he feels bad because he shot sumbody...it could be driving his sanity nutz and his conscience might be eating him...chances are, it is!
He's not a bad person!
Get that out of your head...and u r an ANGEL!!!!! Every man should pray for a gurl like u!!! U can love, u have patience...ur gr8.
If you've read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, you'll see that men figure out themselves by breaking away...but when he finally works things out, he'll come back to you - thats a promise!
For now, try leaving him alone BUT being wit him at the same time - dont force anything. You can offer him to stay with u while he's here. Does he push you away if you hold him or kiss him? Try doing that...tell him you love him and that you are always there for him and that he can talk to you about anything (I know this may sound cheesy - and a lot of ppl say this, but when you KNOW for SURE there is the option, it calms you down). You've been patient for 6 years...you love the man...and there is no reason to move on. Wait out these four months and then you have your man back. New & Improved!!! ENJOY!!!!
ALSO - remember...if you are his, he is yours. If he returns your feelings (and works that out in four months, when he will be back), he will tell you that..just you let him know that YOU love HIM...and he'll come around.
I've got my fingers crossed for you, I'll pray for you, and you can e-mail me bout anything - keti2609@yahoo.co.uk
*GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!*
Katie
Your guy is suffering from Combat Stress, some folks still refer to it as PTSD,