Need some advice please
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Need some advice please
| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 1:48pm |
Hi everyone, I am new here, my first post actually. My boyfriend broke up with me on Monday. Let me give you some background. We have been dating for 3 years and 8 months. When we started dating I had just separated from my husband of 18 years. We separated in Febuary and my boyfriend and I started dating in April. I have 2 grown children, my son is now 21 and my daughter is 20. My marriage was horrible for the last 10 years and my kids blamed me for the break up because I am the one that wanted out of that relationship. I was having a hard time with my kids when I started seeing him, so I kept the relationship a secret. I got divorced a year later and still kept him a secret from my kids and family. We would always hang out at his place, I told them I was with "friends". We took trips and again I told the kids I was with "friends". He never pressured me to let him "into my life". The last few months have been difficult, I have been working 2 jobs the whole time we were dating and I hardly ever see him except on weekends. I found out from a friend that he was having lunch with another woman. When I confronted him about it he said they were old friends, they had known each other for many years and still keep in touch. He claims nothing happened and then he tells me that she is going through a divorce and they have been confiding in each other about their relationships. I was having a hard time with this friendship of his and him keeping it a secret from me then he brings up the fact that he is a secret from my whole family and has been for over 3 years. There is also something else, I am 9 years older than him, I just turned 45 and he just turned 36. He has never been married and has no kids. He always told me that he never wanted kids and now he is saying that as he gets older he feels like he is missing out on that. The reason he broke up with me is because of the age difference and because I won't let him in my personal life and because I can't seem to get over the friendship with the other woman. I told him that I would let him into my life and bring him to my family and tell them about our relationship but he says the age thing is the biggest factor right now. He said that sometimes he feels as old as me and he feels like he is missing out on being young. He now claims that we don't have that much in common anymore and that we are both moving in different directions. He is a wonderful man and my best friend and I feel so bad for what I have done, I wish I could go back in time and make things different but it is too late. Thanks for listening, it helps just to type this out.

What really concerns me is that you did jump into a relationship right after being separted from your husband. What you probably should have done is took some time to yourself. Being with someone for 18 years is a long time and hoping into another realtionship before your divorce was final isn't something I would have done. I was divorced 3 years ago (we were together 10 years) and after my divorce I took a year and half and did nothing but concentrate on me and my daughter and stayed out of the dating scene. I am glad I did because it made me a stronger, more secure person. Hiding your relationship from your family is not a good thing and I think that is another reason you should have taken some time to yourself. Honestly, I can't blame your ex for breaking up with you if you kept hiding your relationship with him from your family. I don't buy the age thing but please take this time and work on yourself and be happy with yourself before getting back into the dating scene.
My advice may sound harsh but it helped me.
I think everything that has happend, I'm guessing that he wanted out and didn't know how to tell you, and now you've given him the excuses he needs to get out of it (age, female friend, your kids)....
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
That is a great book and I read it just days after my ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago without warning. I still pick it up now and then and read some chapters when I am having a hard day. Like you, I wasn't in love with my husband when I divorced but I was very much in love with my ex-boyfriend after the break up. Some days felt like the pain would never go away but no contact and time does heal the heart. Cry as much as you want because that does actually help the healing process.
I really wish you the best and take a lot of time to yourself right now. You will be a much stronger person for it.