need some help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
need some help please
4
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:08am

well last night i got a surprise form my boyfriend, well now ex boyfriend. He said we are two different people and i don't understand that one because we've been happy for 10 months now. he went to say how he's so busy with work and school((which he goes to part time)i'm busy myself i work full time and go to school full time but always make time for him. anyway,last night he was unsure about dumping me then he said he just wanted to be single again how can you have a realtionship when one person wants to be single so he tried to say oh we aren't broken up tonight and i'm not gonna dump you tomorrow but what the hell am i suppposed to think when he says he wasnt to be single again, and that i make him feel guilty whenhe wants to go out with his friends which i don't know where that is comming from i gave him 40 bucks to go out with the guys last weekend.He's also stressed because he had to get a new car and money is going to be tight as far as us gpin out well in his words going out for dinners and breakfast i said that's nota problem that's not why i love him. and i said i cnan pay for things here and there going out wise.evertime i think of an answer to some problem that he brings up he seems to throw something in my face then he tells me how much he loves me and cares about me and asks if we can just take a break i don't know what the hell to say,do or even think about all this and advice would be appreciated.

~~~jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:24am
Okay to be totally honest it sounds like he is breaking up with you, but trying to not feel guilty about it and hurt you. Men can be pretty cowardly when it comes to this sort of thing (hense the popular "I'll just be an ass until SHE dumps me" approach). So what are you going to do? You said it yourself, you can't be with someone who wants to be single. So really you've got two options. You can either chose to be strung along by this guy in constant audition for the roll of his girlfriend, or you chose to move on to someone who is into you enough to not want to see other people. Me personally, I don't WANT to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me. I'm not about to lower myself into attempting to convince some guy that I'm the woman for him--if he doesn't know with out a doubt that there isn't anyone better for him than me, I've got too much self respect to waste my time. So should you. You deserve nothing less than a guy who knows with out a doubt that you are the best thing to happen to him. You deserve a man who gives it all up to be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:47am
Well said! That is some of the best advice I have heard in a long while and I am going to apply it in my situation. If he doesn't want to be with me I am not going to waste my time trying to change his mind. Life is just too short and to precious to waste one someone who can't act like an adult!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:55am

ok jen...i dont mean to be harsh but since when is it his decision on weather or not he wants to be single or not?

here is what i would say to him......it is MY choice to NOT be with someone who does not know what he wants.....end of story...and move on...it will be the best thing for you.

do not give him the power....if he thinks you will let him come and go at will that is exactly what he will do.....

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:24pm

I also agree with what has been posted, he is trying to dodge and deflect from the real issue of what is going on with him. It sounds like he does want to break up with you, as hard as it seems, it much worse to be with a guy who is unsure of the relationship while you try to fight for it. It is better to have him let go of it altogether and eventually you will move on and be happier for it.

It is nothing you did or didn't do as a girlfriend, it is simply something he is feeling and he is the only one who can deal with that. As for you, I would advise you honestly to go ahead and break things off with him point blank, as hard as that will be he has told you he wants to be single, take that to heart. Despite anything else he is telling you to the contrary or stringing you along with, he has already told you exactly what he wants and a life with him being single cannot include you in it.

I know this is hard but you do and will find a guy who does not have these doubts about being with you. To me this situation is like pulling off a band aid, better to get it over with quickly than to have it drag out slowly and painfully :(