Need Some Moral Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Need Some Moral Support
4
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 3:08pm

I'll try not to make this too long-winded. Here's how it started: I met a guy whom I started talking with by e-mail. I had gotten to a point in my life where I'd had enough of men for awhile, so I determined that I was going to remain unattached and not fall for anyone for quite some time. Long story short, he won me over, and I gave in. I got involved and believed him when he said he wanted something with me. I didn't hold back like I should have and he got scared and bailed on me. Okay, fine, I knew my part of the blame and cut my losses and went on with life.

Fast forward to last week. Out of the blue, he called me again, saying he had been thinking about me. He had just found a letter I had wrote to him when we were seeing each other, and felt strongly moved to call me. He also wanted to see me last Sunday. Somewhat wiser after having been burned by him once, I told him that I was confused by his call and didn't trust it. I told him to go to Bolivia for the summer, and if he still felt the same way when he came back, we could go from there. I asked him how he got from being terrified of being with me to wanting to see me again, and he said he'd call the next day and we'd talk about it. Well, tomorrow has never come.

I know what was up; he thought he could sweet talk me into one more fling before he left for Bolivia and thought the letter was his way in. I'm sure my refusal to see him was not what he was expecting, so he bailed again. If he respected me like he said he did, he would have followed through on the phone call. He can't be depended on for little things, so he wouldn't be dependable on big things either. I know all of this because I've said it all to myself a million times.

But it's still gnawing at me; if I'm honest with myself, what I'm feeling is a cross between "how dare you insult my intelligence" and "wake up fool and see what you could have". So far I have stayed tough, but it's all I can do not to send him an e-mail giving him a piece of my mind. He's too self-centered to get it anyway, but I'm really angry that he reopened old wounds that had finally closed. But it does no good to rebuke someone who cannot see his share of the blame. The thing that has kept me away is my pride. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he can move me emotionally.

I need an intervention so I can keep on fighting the good fight and staying away from him. Help?

Cheri
starthrower68@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 11:22pm

Just stay away from him. No emails, no calls, no contact.

Part of learning life's lesson is learning not to give yourself away.

Time to get it back, starthrower. Ignore him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:54am

You are a model for how to handle break up contact: you stuck to your guns, listened to your sense, and not his, and didn't give in to what he wanted, focusing on what you wanted and deserved instead. Be proud as to how you handled the test you had been handed!

Tempting though it is to call him or write and say what is on your mind, you don't need to: he already knows how you feel and chances are, it was such a shock and slap in his face (and probly a blow to his ego as well) that you silenced him. He is probly waiting for you to call or write to ask why you didn't hear back - what he wants is to see or hear the emotional attachment again! - and not hearing from you is probly tearing him apart. Why ruin it by sending off a letter or calling, giving him what he wants?

Ego is most hurt by silence and the cutting of emotional ties - continue as you are doing with no contact, and you will continue to accomplish both. If he truly had any interest or concern for your well being, he would have called or written himself, and wouldn't be waiting for you to do so.

Contact with a partner after a relationship sours very seldom does anything to resolve remaining negative feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:46am

I'll be darned if he didn't call last night....I didn't talk to him because he called late and I didn't want the phone to wake me, as I had to get up early this morning to do my radio gig. He didn't leave a message but I know it was him because of the phone number. I have much better boundaries now; he'll either learn to respect me or go his own way, but that's his choice not mine. I have learned that there is freedom in recognizing I can't control others, but I can control how I respond to them, or if I choose not to. I don't think totally shutting him out is the right and Christian thing to do if he attempts to reach out, but he will be shown - if he hasn't already figured it out - that I will not be controlled, manipulated, or played with. I've got nothing to lose - I walked away once, I can do it again. It's his choice to grow into someone that I can be with or to stay as he is and I go my own way. I told him last time we spoke that I will be with someone who is my equal, and I won't walk behind or in front of them. A man will have to be able to walk beside me for it to work.

So we'll see what happens. I think I'll leave it and let him try me again if he's so inclined. I will be treated with respect and I will not chase him. It's that simple.

Cheri
starthrower68@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 8:04pm

It sound as though you are going about things in a very mature, controlled and rationale fashion, looking out for your own best interests, as you should.

When an ex comes back, I think we need to remember that talk is cheap - anyone can claim to have changed, see things differently and so on, but to jump back into contact without seeing proof of a persons words is always a gamble.

If someone truly wants to be with you, they will wait until you are ready to take them back, on your own terms.