need to stop thinking he'll come back

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
need to stop thinking he'll come back
3
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 2:53pm

My head knows that he isn't going to have some revelation and all of a sudden want to be with me again.

But I keep making up all of these excuses for him. That he just wasn't ready - that he didn't want to hurt me by staying with me while he 'figured things out', so he broke up with me instead - that he is going to remember how much he loved me and that he won't want to let me go. (I know that this is not true!)

We dated for nine months. He broke up with me two weeks ago. It all just happened over an argument, and I took his things back to him immediately, got my things back, and that was that. We have had no contact other than him leaving me a note with my things telling me that he didn't want to hurt me - he felt that he was hurting me and he figured that by leaving the relationship he couldn't hurt me anymore, that he did love me but he can see why I didn't believe that considering his recent actions, and that I should call him any time I need anything at all because he would do anything in the world for me.

And I guess that him saying those things are making all of these thoughts run through my head thinking that he is going to realize he made a mistake and he is going to call me again. I know this isn't true, but my head won't stop thinking it.

It all sounds pathetic, and I know it isn't true - but some part of me thinks...well - he is the exception. I know, he isn't the exception. I am just posting to get support. He left, and he isn't coming back, and I need to figure out a way to get that through my head so that I can move on faster!

thank you

Avatar for digitalsolstice
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 3:13pm

I know what you're going through. It is rough, but you will be alright.

Just take some time to relax and get your mind off of things. Cry as much as you can, let it all out. Write your feelings down in a journal or diary. I know right now you can't think of all of the bad things versus the good. Right now you miss him and it's hard to think of anything bad. When the time comes, let it be known to yourself what was negative about your relationship.

Read, write, spend time with friends or family. Spending time with someone always helps you to get past some of the thoughts you have when you are alone. Post messages, ask for advice, use your resources to let your feelings out.

It's normal to think he'll call you or things might change. It is a kind gesture that he told you to call if you need anything. My ex-fiance said the same thing. Unfortunately, he hasn't answered my calls or e-mails. They need their time too.

Men are different than women. As hard as we try to understand them, the more we get confused.

I don't know what happened to really cause your breakup. If he had cheated on you, I would say it's a lost cause. My opinion is you do not deserve that. I am doubting that is what happend. How did things end?

Time will only heal your heart. It will take time to get over this. You'll go through grieving stages. First you'll be hurt and missing him so much. Then you'll be angry, then the anger will fade away. It just takes time and how you chose to spend that time will ultimately decide when or how you'll be able to get over him.

Get your mind on other things. You need to grieve. You need to hurt, but in time it will heal. Just go out to the movies, go out to dinner or lunch with someone. Stay the night at a friends house or spend time with your family. Do what you need to do to move on. Just do not start dating right now. That would only make things worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 3:46pm

Thank you so much for your quick response. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 11:20pm
Hi,
I have to agree with the not dating yet. When my ex and i broke up he immediately started dating a girl that was 20 years younger than him ( she 24,he 47). He said that she made him feel good but what he was doing was using her to stop him from dealing with us. Well it lasted 6 months and while she fell in love with him he could not committ to her and left her as well. He called me to tell me that he had made a mistake...moved out of her apartment into his own apartment... we saw each other for about a month and on July 10the he told me that he just wanted to be alone. I still think that he is seeing the girl but can't bring himself to be honest. I have since come to believe that we stay in love with the "memory" but not the person. You can't have a relationship based on memories. Unless two people are ready to work afte a break up things will not work......it may take that you both need to date other people and maybe sometime later in life you will try again or maybe you will not....Don't put yourself in a plastic bubble waiting....You can go out and date without making a committment to anyone.... just committ to yourself everyday that you will put yourself first and love yourself always.