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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 12:03am |
I have a long-distance bf of 3 yrs now. He's wonderful, finishing his last yr of his undergrad, has a good job already lined up to start in the fall. The plan was to get an apt together in nyc- where he lives- once his new job started. But I'm confused.
His parents run his entire life, they finance him, pay for everything as long as he bends to their will. His family is asian, and they feel that asians are superior to everyone else. They don't want him marrying someone who's not asian. They don't like him dating a non-asian person, but they put up with it for now because they don't think he could possibly be serious about me. His dad knows about us (but doesn't "prefer" me as his son's gf), but his mom doesn't because she'd flip if she found out he's not dating a cantonese girl. When he told his mom he loved me, she accused him of being "an ungrateful son" and that she knows whats best for him and he just needs to end it. She thinks he has, but he just doesn't talk aboout me in the house.
He says he won't let his parents get in the way of us living together. I think differently. He says he wants to be married to me eventually, but I'm not sure. He's been procrastinating everytime I ask him to search for apts. We've gotten into arguments about it even, and each time he says "I'll change, I'll be serious about it. I won't let you down." And surprise surprise, he doesn't. I feel like I'm wasting my time. He has such potential, we have potential. The only way I get him to take a stance on things is if I threaten to end things. But I feel the only way i can make things go forward is to give ultimateums. And I don't want to do that anymore. He's the only person I have really, so it's not like I can break it off with him. He won't let me for one. But I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I hate where I am now in the midwest (how I got to be there is another story). I hate my job, I have no friends who live close to me; he's the only thing i have. I want to believe things will work out, but love doesn't pay the bills. If he decides to live with me, his parents will cut off his funds.
Which brings us to this upcoming week, me & my bf are flying to the west coast to meet my parents and younger siblings. My parents don't care about race or color. They're really excited to meet him. But I feel uncertain about "us" and where we're headed. It really bothers me that he's so intimidated by his parents. I'm so tired of talking to him about that, all he says is "yea i know" and he never does anything about it.
I'm so lost, I don't know what to do or think about him anymore.

chicago83...
Pianoguy thinks that if "you're a girl worth fighting for" (quoting the song lyric from Walt Disney's MULAN)....your b/f needs to deal with his parents along with his own insecurities BEFORE ANY MARRIAGE PLANS CAN BE MADE!
Sadly...his parents have already dismissed you as a potentially good wife (and Mom)!
You can spend your entire life trying to prove them wrong? And even if you think they're in your corner, there's probably going to be some sort of issue that will make you uncomfortable?
Having been briefly married to a lovely asian woman....whose family welcomed me unconditionally (despite the fact that I was an American and was significantly older than their daughter)...I can only suggest that you think about this VERY SERIOUSLY!
Some men (and it doesn't matter what their ethnic origin happens to be) just aren't comfortable choosing between their family and the women they wish to marry. Wouldn't you rather connect with somebody who CAN and WILL support you as a wife---without worrying what "Mom and Dad are thinking?"
Pianoguy