need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
need support
9
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 2:35pm
I was with BF for 7 years. He has broken up with me 3 times this year. I see a pattern back in November of 04 he was talking to a woman and I think he wanted to pursue her and he left. He was back in a matter of a couple of weeks and I never questioned. I know because of his phone log. Then in March 05 I saw a couple of calls to him from this same woman and within a week he was gone again. I dont think anything ever happened with them because a friend told me he was out and called her to meet him and she showed up with her new boyfriend. I also noticed the calls stopped. He ended up back with me 2 months later saying he was not willing to give up what we had. Now fast forward to the present. He told me he was not happy in our relationship. He felt he didnt love me like he used to and that he didnt want to spend quality time with me. I asked if he wanted to break up and he had said no and he thought it was a phase he was going thru and wanted to work it out. 3 days later we had a very small issue and I feel he used it for an excuse to leave and he moved out. I was doing really well this time moving on and being positive. We have been broke up 3 weeks now. I did have a feeling he was talking to someone before he left and I did see a couple of suspicious numbers on his phone bill and did call and yes they were both women. Yesterday a friend of mine called me and told me he had a new girlfriend. I had the feeling that he was seeing someone but now that its confirmed I am not doing so well. I need to figure out a way to get back to the positive frame of mind. And how can he leave me for someone he had only known for probably 2 weeks before he left? He came over Monday to get the rest of his stuff that was at my house and he asked for a hug which I did hug him and he did say he hadnt had one of those in a while. He held me very tightly and I could tell he missed me. Not 10 minutes after he left he called me and said he was hopeing that I didnt answer my phone so he could leave a message and I said do you want me to hang up and you can call back. He said no and then proceeded to say if I ever need a one night stand call him. He said he would be home that night and told me to call him. I told him I was not going to call that he needed to call me if he wanted to see me. I also said that I dont need anybody but myself and that I wanted not needed him in my life. He also mentioned that he should not have come over and should have sent someone else. I think after seeing me he was missing me. He also said he could just drink himself to sleep. I asked if that is how he is handling things and he said pretty much. I have loved him more than anyone in my life and I was his first relationship, first love but we wanted different things in life. I am older and want to find someone that is more secure in life that I could build a future with. He wanted kids which I can not have. I dont know if him and his new gf is considered rebound. I know he loves me with all his heart but the problem is our differences in life. I think I am just looking for some outside advise on this sitution. I appreciate any advise weather I want to hear it or not Thank you Martha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 3:15pm

hi martha, i don't think there's anything i can say to make you feel better except that I too am going through a difficult time...i'm very sorry for your pain and you are not alone. i know it's sooooooooooo difficult to let go of someone who you loved/still love so much and spent so many years together, building a life/future together...BUT when someone tells you they don't love you anymore...what can you really do? we all know we can't make someone love us, and sometimes it sucks......that oneday you're both so in love and suddenly either one or both of you are not "in love" anymore...who can really explain love....sometimes it could be a phase(it was in my case...i was your ex...somewhat), and sometimes i think if both parties are really willing to look at themselves and they're open and really do want to make things work, then i think it can work...but it didn't seem like your ex wanted that. he kept leaving you for other women/woman....that does not seem like the actions of someone who is ready to work on their "self" or relationship.

your break up is really fresh..only 3 weeks so it's so understandable that you are still hurting...and yes, you might have been doing well these past 3 weeks until now/recently, but the healing/letting go process isn't always going to be forward and uphill, you're going to move backwards at times and fall downwards on a spiral, it's only natural...not that that will make your pain go away, but atleast you'll know this is normal...you just have to allow yourself to feel the pain and just go through it......."your emotions are the pathway to your soul" read that in a book...and my fav...that another poster on this board posted..."The only way out is through"....if you try to fight these horrible painful feelings, you may find temporary relief, but it will come back even stronger, so better to deal with it now as hard as it may be...and healing isn't just about feeling the pain/emotions, or time...those ofcourse all play a factor, but there's work that needs to be done...that's the only way to true healing/growing/letting go.

sometimes love just isn't enough....as much as many of us want to believe that love is the answer...it's not. there are so many factors that play into the success of a relatonshiop...you both may love eachother still very much, but it seems pretty clear to me that you seem pretty clear that the two of you can't be together atleast right now because of the different stages you're at...so the only thing is to let go, although i know that is very difficult to do, especially after 7 years.....i'm still trying to let go and heal and my break up was a year ago, so i think you're doing just fine for 3 weeks.

i wish i could give you and myself and many others on here a magic pill to make the pain go away....but since i haven't discovered that yet...you will be in my thoughts and prayers....at the same time it's good we haven't discovered that "magic pill" because then we would all miss an opportunity for self discovery and growth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 6:50pm

Men swing into new relationships easier. Women tend to hold on to something longer and harbour more emotions. It's the nature of the beast. Mine went to a new fling the NEXT DAY.

Here are some sites shared here that I LOVE:

"Knowing When to Move On: How to Get Over an Ex": http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_19_100/ai_79477098

"Breaking Up is Hard to Do":
http://technicianonline.com/story.php?id=011248

"So You Think You're Over It":
http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/are_you_over_it.html

"10 Tips to Get Over It":
http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/theas10tips.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 6:52pm
Thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me. I am pasting what you said into my journal. I am just having a rough spot and I really do know what I need to do I just need people like yourself to remind me. I have visited these boards for the past 9 months when all of this started. I have learned so much from helpfull people like you
Again thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:30am

i'm glad i could help even just a tiny bit. these boards helped/still helping me get through a rough time too...i just wish i found these boards a lot sooner.

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:45pm

Oh my gawd! Your ex is acting very much like mine. We were together for three years and we have been broken up for over two months. He said the same thing to me,that he is just drinking when he gets home from work to numb the pain. He said he is hurting but does not know what else to do. He said he feels like he tried but nothing worked and that we just don't belong together. We are both 36 and I am the first woman he asked to marry him. We felt very deeply for one another so trying to understand why we didn't get along better has been very confusing for me. The only thing I can put my finger on is that we went to fast, we moved in to soon and didn't give each other time to work out the bugs. It could also be that he had unrealistic expectations and once we got heavy into the relationship he realized he couldn't contend with the struggles of being involved in a relationship.

java

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 5:42pm
Same here, my boyfriend and I were inseparable from day one, we went from best friends for a year to boyfriend and girlfriend in one night and just figured why wait since we were already friends and lived together for 9 months thereafter, not realizing that being pals and living together are two totally different things, that it would soon become clear that just because I was friends with his mom before hand doesnt mean she is to be my new future mother in law, when we start a new relationship and the rush of it all, you dont think clearly that hey, maybe this is moving a little too fast and maybe we should slow down, he eventually did get to that point 6 months later, but i took that as an I want to see other people, get rid of you and over reacted, began following him, checking his phone , etc to the point he just got fed up and actually did start seeing other people saying, if he was gonna be accused of it everyday, he might as well do it, so my best friend became my worst enemy in a night just as a friend had become my lover over night. It still hurts that I acted that way, that now I lost a friend and even though I know it was too much too soon, that even though we were friends, there still shouldve been a dating period because the guy you were friends with is not the same as the guy he turns out to be when you live with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 7:31pm
I'm sorry you're going through this......but his behavior would concern me greatly. I couldn't stay with him and go on that roller coaster ride anymore. Best of luck. I hope things work out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:06pm
Ok so a friend just called and felt the need to tell me that she heard him talking on his cell phone, (she works with him) telling some girl he would be over shortly, blah blah, I asked her why she felt the need to tell me this and she said she thought it would help, show me that I made the right decision, that he probably was with someone else while he was with me if a week later hes telling another girl he'll be right over. So I just went in the bathroom and threw up, needless to say, that isnt something i needed to hear while I am still in the I cant believe its over stage, people can be so stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:44pm
I'm so sorry, that was insensitive of her......